Help Me Pass Through This Wilderness Of Despair  

TTigerAtty 63M
3769 posts
3/6/2006 10:44 am

Last Read:
4/23/2006 12:49 pm

Help Me Pass Through This Wilderness Of Despair

As I have thought about my time blogging on this site, exactly 5 months as of today, I realize that I have normally attempted to maintain a happy, cheerful, joking kind of attitude, mood and tone to my postings. I usually post jokes, sports related information or just goofy stuff. And perhaps I have even been guilty of trying to create a kind of cyberfacade of myself, always appearing happy-go-lucky, optimistic and cheerful, never down in spirits, depressed or fearful of what the future might bring.

I'd like to share with you a prayer that I wrote in the winter of 2004 as I watched my late ex-wife deal with terminal cancer. I ran across this prayer recently while cleaning out my desk.

What are my reasons for sharing this very personal story and this prayer with you at this time? Two-fold: (1) to reveal to you a side of myself which I have not heretofore revealed to very many fellow bloggers and (2) to perhaps help any fellow blogger who may be going through their own personal dark time of despair. If my story or my prayer can help just one other person right now, it will have been worth my time to tell it.

Some background information: My ex-wife had been diagnosed with colon and liver cancer in late August of 2004. It was a terminal diagnosis and the attending physicians gave her only 6-8 months to live. An experienced and dedicated nurse of 30 years, she knew full well her situation and that her odds of surviving were infinitesimally low. Nevertheless, for the sake of my daughter, then not quite 21 years of age, she bravely fought the deadily disease, undergoing surgery first followed by various types of chemotherapy. After an initial hopeful period, it became clear that nothing seemed to be producing the miraculous results we all hoped and prayed for.

So, what do you do when you are watching someone go through such a terrible, slow death sentence? Someone whom you once loved very much and someone whom you realize you still love?

I prayed a lot. I cried a lot with our daughter. I supported my daughter in her decision to rearrange her college plans and attend a regional university in our hometown rather than going on for her junior year at the state university in Columbia, MO. We had to do some last minute scrambling, but we were able to get her tuition money and apartment lease money back and then get her enrolled in some classes locally so she could live with her Mom and be of support and comfort to her during her treatment regimen which followed without any delay.

And after I had helped with all of my daughter's arrangements, I had even more time to think and reflect. You know, that's the time when you reflect back upon all the good times and you regret the times when you said or did something that created pain in the relationship. Well, I sure did a lot of reflecting and thinking. And, I felt helpless, unable to do something to change the situation we now found ourselves in.

So, that's when I sat at the computer and composed a prayer. It was the only thing left that I knew to do. I was at the end of my rope. These words and thoughts helped me to get through that terrible period in my life. It helped my daughter. And I'd like to believe it was of some comfort to my ex-wife during her last days on this earth.

If you are going through some very dark times or if you have a loved one who is going through a time of deep despair, I hope these words of prayer will be of some comfort ....

O'LORD, help me, I pray, pass through this wilderness of despair;
And be with me to comfort and sustain me in all my travails and tribulations.
Help me, I fervently pray, to walk in Thy Word and cleave to my Faith.
Be with me now even as Thou surely was with Thy children in the Sinai.

O'LORD, let my heart be filled with neither apprehension nor fear,
But rather, fill my spirit, my soul with faith, hope, courage and love.
Remind me that it is not my own will but Thy will that shall be done,
And grant me the peace of this understanding as I pray unto Thee.

O'LORD, as I have come to know that the rainbow follows the storm,
Let me also believe that happiness and joy shall follow after despair.
Strengthen my faith, direct my life and be with me in my darkest hour.
As light follows darkness, so too let tomorrow be brighter than today.

O'LORD, as the flowers of spring followeth after the cold, dark winter,
So too grant me faith to believe that I will pass through this dark time.
Help me, I pray, that I may be hopeful and optimistic about my future,
That I may radiate a cheerful countenance despite my current troubles.

O'LORD, as with the children of Israel, I know Thou art testing my faith,
That this dark time in my life will pass if I will only continue to believe.
Help, I pray that in the face of this test, my faith will remain steadfast,
That by passing through this place of desolation, I will become stronger.

O'LORD, help me, I pray, pass through this wilderness of despair;
Lead me through this dark time of my life sustaining me in all ways.
So that when I have passed through to the other side and a better time,
I may understand how my faith and trust in Thee, O'LORD, has grown.

My ex-wife did not survive the colon and liver cancer. She passed on from this world to a better one in May of 2005 at an age of only 51. She celebrated Mother's Day and my daughter's 21st birthday on Sunday, May 8th before passing on less than two weeks later. She was laid to rest on May 25th, what would have been our 31st wedding anniversary had we remained together. She faced her terminal illness with inspiring courage, peace, dignity and grace.

My daughter, God bless her, is doing just fine! She's a senior at the University of Missouri - Columbia. She will need an extra semester to graduate, because she was not able to take three required senior level courses in sequence. She's a little bookworm like her Mother and is carrying a 3.9/4.0 GPA. She will go on to graduate school and work towards a PhD in clinical psychology. We don't know where yet, but it will likely not be at Mizzou. The time she spent at home with her Mother was so important in helping her deal with her Mom's terminal illness and premature death.

Copyright © March, 2006 by TTigerAtty

non illigitimae carborundum

RailBaron2 55M

3/6/2006 4:31 pm

TTigerAtty, Thank You for the Prayer & for shareing.

LadytoPleaseYou 65F
5447 posts
3/6/2006 8:21 pm

A beautiful and loving tribute to your wife.

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?

clevergirl4U 59F

3/6/2006 8:49 pm

I am new here, so have no preconceived notion of who you are. But it is apparent from this post that you have loved, and continue to love, deeply. Not a small thing ...and thanks for sharing.

ohsodelicious 58F
1922 posts
3/6/2006 10:21 pm

TTg...OMG....I’m having trouble seeing my keyboard thru the tears...such a poignant tribute to your late ex-wife. Thanks you for sharing. Heart wrenching, yet beautiful!

Hugs and well whishes {over the next couple of months}you'll be in my 'prayers'...OhSo{=}

PrincessKarma 45F
6188 posts
3/6/2006 10:29 pm


The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

TTigerAtty 63M

3/7/2006 5:10 am

Thanks to everyone who dropped by to leave a comment! As all of this was happening with my ex-wife, I was very concerned about my daughter losing her Mother. It was good that she transferred to our regional university for two semesters. In that way she was able to be with her Mom everyday, giving care and comfort. They were able to take a short vacation trip to Florida, but by that time, my ex was really getting weaker and so the trip was kind of hard for her. I am so proud of the way my daughter has handled all of this. She has a lot of good memmories of her Mom and she will never have feelings of guilt because she didn't spend lots of time with her Mother in the final months of her Mother's life. I hope this story and the prayer can help someone in some small way.

rm_magnet4u22 50F
18406 posts
3/7/2006 8:53 am

Thank you for sharing that. Your daughter is very lucky. I, too can relate very well.


TTigerAtty 63M

3/7/2006 9:03 am

scarlettsflame - So nice to see you back! Thanks, I'm lucky to have such a sweet daughter! I'll jump over to your blog to visit with you!

[blog magnet4u22] - Thanks for your kind comment! I take by your comment that you have lost someone close too. *HUGS*

WillowWhispers2U 57F

3/7/2006 4:13 pm

TT - A beautifully written expression of your love for your ex-wife and your daughter. Thanks for the wonderful prayer and for sharing your thoughts and memories, painful as that surely must have been for you.

Whispersoftly5 53F
15176 posts
3/7/2006 6:17 pm

Thank you for sharing this personal story with all of us Tiger. Everything I hear or read about your daughter (and your loving relationship with her) is inspiring. I'm sure everything both you and your daughter did during this sad time was so meaningful to ex-wife. And I'm glad your daughter will not/does not have regrets.

I also appreciate what you wrote for selfish reasons - as you know I have a brother living with me who is terminally ill with AIDS and some sort of cancer in his lungs. Difficult to know what to do sometimes and reading what you wrote helps validate for me I'm doing right right by him, myself and my family. Thank you sweetie.

Kisses and hugs - Whisper...

TTigerAtty 63M

3/8/2006 7:11 am

WillowWhispers2U - Thanks for your supportive comments! I guess by experiencing pain personally, we are able to help others when they are going through the tough times of life.

[blog jaynbuck] - I appreciate your words of support, and I can tell that, because of your own life experiences, you can very much relate to what people and their loved ones go through at the end of life.

lioness860 - Thanks for your comment and God bless you as well! I hope that you and your loved ones never have to suffer with any form of cancer!

Whispersoftly5 - I didn't know your brother also has lung cancer. I am so sorry. You have most assuredly done the right thing by taking him in to live with you! I am sure he appreciates your love and support! And, I am equally sure that you will never have any regrets!

BigGirlzRSweet - Thanks for your comment sweetie! Life cycles between joy, happiness, boredom, pain and despair. I guess we all need to be prepared for it, because we will surely all go through the cycle or circle of life. A big bear hug back to you too!

rm_Bct2Esi 52M/51F
1375 posts
3/8/2006 2:41 pm

{{{{Tiger}}}} I hope you dont mind but I copied this, not only for my best friend. I think this poem would help here. I also copied this entire thing for all in my family to read

This was beautiful, thank you for you

You are a blessing and a god send

hugs and smiles...also through tears

TTigerAtty 63M

3/8/2006 4:25 pm

[blog Bct2Esi] - Hi sweetie! Very kind comments! Of course I don't mind you copying this to pass on to someone else! I hoped that our story and the prayer I wrote in a very dark time for all of us in our family, might help someone else going through a tough time. Since that dark time and more and more through participation on this site and, I suppose, with the benefit of a half century of just living, I have come to realize that we are all bound together by our common humanity. Thanks for your support!

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