That time of the month?  

SxyCrazyCool 39F
633 posts
11/27/2005 12:31 pm

Last Read:
5/28/2007 2:51 pm

That time of the month?

It's amazing how the biological clockwork thingie works..

I'm on the pill. Cuz if I'm not I get my period very irregularly and it hurts like hell. Sometimes I'd even bleed for 2 weeks with a two week break until it'd start allover again. And now its all better. Every month three days. No pain.

No physical pain anyways. Instead of the physical pain I have a monthly week of soul-pain. It took me a while to put 1 & 2 together, but now I know that as soon as I've taken my last pill the down-days begin. My mind wanders.. I hurt. And I cry.

The pain is indescribable. It is not physical pain, although I can feel it in my body..
It feels like there's a hole in me. A big black gaping hole. And it feels like home-sickness. That is the only way that comes close to describing what it feels like.. I've had it for years now.. almost as long as I can remember. I'm still not sure what it is that I'm home-sick for.
After my (one and only serious) boyfriend went away, the feeling came back and grew. Back then I thought it had to do with my country; I was sure I was born in the wrong country. And it was my destiny to travel the world until I found that place where I belong.. I went to a couple of places.. stayed here and there for a longer or shorter period of time, and whenever I was away the feeling was away as well. Right now I think it just went away temporarily because I had all these new impressions to process. And then when I got back home it used to feel even so much stronger.. And it convinced me more and more of the fact that I didnt belong here.

Holland is the country of rules. It may seem to the rest of the world that we are so tolerant, so free and that there's room for everyone here. [although our the tolerancy that we're famous for seems to have shrunk to a minimum the last couple of years together with a large growth of violence & drug(/alcohol)-use] But our country hangs together by rules.. Social rules and laws you have to listen to, or else! Forms you have to fill out, letters you have to send, etc etc. Of course everything is a choice and you can also choose not to do it, but then the shit really hits the fan. And I am a person.. I hate obligations. I hate it when other people tell me what to do and how to do it and especially when to do it! I will do whatever I want.. WHENever I want it!! ..And that is an impossibilty here. That, among other things, made me think that my homesickness derived from this feeling that I didnt belong here. There had to be a place where everything would be better and easier.. Hahaha omg .. yeah everyone who know's me would say I'm a very naive person.
Anyways.. life happened and I grew and learned and now I know that my location has nothing to do with the homesickness..

And then my 'guide' gives me a book. Written by Don Miguel Ruiz.
And I would like to quote the text that I read when I first opened the book.. (plz 4give my poor translation)

The Magic Kitchen

Imagine you have a magic kitchen in your home. In that magic kitchen it is possible to have any kind of food from wherever you want in the world, and as much as you want from it. You never have to think about what you're going to eat, cuz everything you wish for is right in front of you. You are very generous with all that food and you share it unconditionally with others, but not because you expect anything in return. Whomever comes to your place, you feed them, just for the joy of sharing your food with other people. Your place is always full of ppl who come to eat in your magic kitchen.

Then one day someone knocks on your door. You open it and there is a person with a pizza in their hands and he says: "Hey! See this pizza?! You'll get it from me if you let me controll your life. If you just do as I want you to, you'll never starve cuz I'll bring you a pizza every day."
Hoe do you think you will react? In your own kitchen you can have the same pizza every day--even better! But nonetheless this person comes up to you and offers you his pizza
IF you treat him right. You start laughing and say: "No thanx! I don't need your food, I got plenty of food of my own. You may enter if you want and eat what you want to eat and I dont expect anything in return. So dont think I'll do what you want me to do. No one can manipulate me with food."

Now imagine the opposite situation. Several weeks have gone by in which you hardly had anything to eat. You're absolutely starving and you don't have any money to buy some food. The person with the pizza is at your door and says: "Here's some food. You may have this and every day again, if you do as I tell you." You smell the food and you can hear ur stomach rumbling. You decide to accept the pizza and to do what the other wants you to do. You eat the pizza and the other one says: "You can have more of this, but you have to keep doing what I want you to do.."..

You have something to eat today, but you might have nothing again tomorrow, so you agree to do what you can in order to have some food. You can become a slave of the food, because you need food, but don't have the money to buy it. But after a while you start to doubt. You think: How can I survive without my pizza? I can't live without my pizza. Imagine my partner were to give the pizza to someone else.. [/] my pizza!

Now imagine that we're not talkin bout food, but bout love. You have an abundancy of love in your heart. You have love, not just for yourself, but for the entire world. You have so much love that you dont need anyone else's love. You love unconditionally, with you there is no
if. You are a love-millionaire and someone knocks on your door and says: "Hey, I got some love for you here. You can have it if you do as I tell you."
What will be your reaction if you're full of your own love already? You'll laugh and say: "Thank yo, but I dont need your love. I have the same love here in my heart, even more of it, and I share my love with others unconditionally."

But what happens when you hunger for love, when you don't have all that love in your heart? The guy at the door says: "You want some lovin'? Well you can have it as long as you'll always do what I tell you to do." You hunger for love and you taste a little bit from it and you'll do anything to make sure you're gonna have it. You can even be so needy that you'd trade your soul for some attention.

Your heart is like the Magical Kitchen. If you open your heart you turn out to have all the love that you need. You don't have to beg others for love; "please give me love, i'm so lonely, i'm not good enough for love. I need someone to love me, someone who proofs that I'm worthy of love." We have this love in our own hearts, but we don't see it.

Can you imagine all the drama and suffering people creat because they believe they don'thave any love? They hunger for love and when they taste some of it, they get hooked. They become needy and love becomes an obsession to them. Then there's the next drama: "What will I do with my life if that other person leaves me? How am I supposed to go on living?" Junkies can't live without their dealer and for that little bit of love they let someone else take control of their lives. They let others tell them what to do, how to dress, how not to dress, how to behave, how not to behave, what to believe and what not to believe. "I love you
if you behave like this or that.. I love you if you let me control your life. I will only love you if you're good to me. If not, you can take a hike"

The problem with people is that they don't realize that they have a Magic Kitchen in their hearts. All the suffering excists because long time ago we closed our hearts and we cant fell the love thats in there anymore. At a certain point in our lifes we became afraid to love, because we went to believe that love isnt fair. Love hurts. We try to be good to someone, but we fail. We already have a couple of relationships behind us and several times our heart was broken. To love someone again is too much of a risk..

We have so many judgements on ourselves, there's no posibillity to love ourselves. And if we can't even love ourselves, however could we share it with someone else? When we get into a relationship, we get selfish because we became dependent. It all revolves around our
I. We are so selfish that we want that the one we love is as dependent on us as we are on them. We want "someone who needs me" to justify our excistence, to give us the feeling we have a reason for living. We think that we're looking for love, but we're looking for "someone who needs me", someone we can controll and manipulate.
There is a battle of power going on in human relationships because we're programmed in a way that we have to fight to get attention. What we call love ~someone who needs me, someone who cares for me~ isnt actually love, but selfishness. How could that ever work? Selfishness doesnt work, because there is no love. Both who are involved hunger for love. In the sex with eachother they taste a little of the love they crave and they get hooked. But then come all the judgements. All the guilt. All the drama.
Then we go look for good advice concerning love and sex. There are piles of books written that could all have the title: 'How to be sexually selfish'. The intention is good, but where is the love? The books arent about leaning how to love, because there is nothing to learn about love. All that is needed is already in our genes, in our nature. We dont need to learn, except that what we make up in this imaginary world. We are looking for love outside ourselves, while we have a lot of love in ourselves and love is all around us. But we can't see it because our emotional being is no longer tuned in to love.

We are so afraid to love because we think it isnt safe. The fear of rejection is big. We pretend to be different than we are and try to have our partners accept us because we can't accept ourselves. But the problem is not our partner rejecting us, its us rejecting ourselves because we're not good enough. That is what we
believe .



HedonisticGuy69 47M
90 posts
11/27/2005 4:47 pm

Very well put, I have never had any problems understanding your english and you apologize too much for it. In fact, there are many here or in N. America that express themselves, much more poorly in English or otherwise.
Insightful and wise, if you have adopted this then you are light years ahead of so many


SxyCrazyCool 39F

11/28/2005 2:45 pm

*grin*.. well I'm not there yet, but I'm on the way..

About my writing,, it's not that I think my english is bad, but it's about that I can't express my thoughts and feelings the way I would in my own language and that frustrates me. I have a lack of vocabulary to be able to really say the words (in english) that arise from my brain..
It's annoying, cuz I know exactly what I want to say but in the translation it just all sounds a bit different from what I actually wanted to say..


HedonisticGuy69 47M
90 posts
11/30/2005 10:44 pm

Well so far I haven't had any problems in the interpretation but now wish I knew dutch so as to better understand the nuance of what you have said to what you actually wanted to


rm_26candles 39M

12/30/2005 5:06 pm

Now there's some interesting thoughts- nice quote


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