Lonely and stupid!  

Sweetgenie_girl 42F
326 posts
12/27/2005 1:05 pm

Last Read:
8/26/2006 10:55 am

Lonely and stupid!

Ever held on to someone you knew didn’t deserve you, because it was better than being alone?

Someone once told me that loneliness will make you do stupid things. I’m now finding out how true this is. I just spent an hour chatting with someone, I don’t really care for, just because, I was bored and lonely. I realized that I keep this person in my life, because the rare times I spend in his presence bring me temporary relief from my lonesomeness. I don’t have feelings for him. Actually, most of the time, he irritates me. I also know he doesn’t care much for me, except when he feels horny. He makes an effort to keep in touch with me on a regular basis. He panics, if he thinks that there is someone else in my life. He’s always the one initiating contact, calling me on the phone or contacting me when I’m online, always leaving me with the false hope of something more developing between us. All this, so I stay around for when he needs me. But, outside the occasional sex rumps in cheap motel rooms, he shows no interest of wanting to be with me. I hate that about our situation, yet I’m still there. Everytime, we part, I always tell myself that this is the last time I will see him. Yet, like an idiot I keep going back to him and end up hating myself when it’s all over. Oh, I must admit, sex is mind-blowing! He’s the first person who made me experience multiple orgasms. That’s unquestionably the only good thing out of our relationship. My best friend keeps telling me to just accept the fact that he’s just a fuck friend but I just can’t. Yeah, there’s fucking alright but no friendship.

Part of the reason why I can’t accept this is because, when we met, he wasn’t like that. Quite the contrary, he was charming, interesting, funny, and adorable. I could actually see myself falling for this guy. We hung out a lot together, we talked on the phone for hours and we enjoyed each other’s company. And then sex happened, and it changed everything. Suddenly, my nice guy turned into Mr. Not-So-Nice-Anymore. He became distant, uninterested and boring. Our conversations now consist of yes, no, maybe, ok…I know, it’s just a matter of me walking away. Having him in my life doesn’t change much except that occasionally I get to have sex. Big deal! We don’t even have sex that often and when we do, it’s because, “he’s” in need.

Yet I stay. Why? I just don’t know. I mean I don’t want a serious relationship from him. But I’m a 29 year-old woman with a healthy sexual appetite and constant urges. So I do want more than the occasional, random sex from him. Part of me, keeps hoping, he’ll realize he’s got a good thing going with me, that he’ll want to offer me a more constant companionship and that he will start caring about my needs. But there is the “sane” part of me, who knows nothing of this will happen and that I deserve better than what he’s offering. My best friend also told me that maybe I’m kidding myself into thinking that I don’t want a committed relationship. She thinks that there is no such a thing as friendship with benefits because there is always one person in the relationship who’s not getting what they want. And that clearly, when it comes to Mr. Not-So-Nice-Anymore and me, I’m the one suffering.

What about you, what is your whole take on “friendships with benefits”. Giving that men and women are so different, is this possible? What does it take for both persons to be satisfied?

LeopardLatte 63F
84 posts
12/27/2005 2:03 pm

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that
love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always
mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and
presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your
defeats with your head up high and your eyes ahead with
the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child and you
learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's
ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get
too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own
soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are
strong, that you really do have worth and you learn and you learn.

With every good-bye you learn.

Perhaps it really is time to say good-bye instead of calling
yourself stupid? It's OK to say you're lonely, but it's not OK
to call yourself stupid - because you are not stupid.

You make choices. Forget about the "friends with benefits" in regards to this man. He is not your friend, but if you can handle him as a
great "F**K", well go for it! If not, it is time to say good-bye so
you'll be open to say 'Hello' to someone new!!! And trust me, there will be someone new!!!

Kutka69 50F

12/27/2005 2:04 pm

Sweetgenie, you are being too hard on yourself, you aren't stupid, everyone wants to be loved and have someone in their life that cares what happens to them! As for your friend, he is only doing what you are allowing him to do, if it doesn't feel right, and by the sound of it at the time it is the right thing to do but afterwards you have regrets, then I think you would be wise to face up to the fact that you do want more than the occassional romp and should let him go his own way. I would assume his attitude changed once he slept with you because for men the hunt is what turns them on, once they have captured their prey it isn't so interesting anymore, sort of like a cat, chases its prey, plays with it and then discards it when it.

My advice to you would to be get comfortable with being alone with yourself, that isn't the same as loneliness, we all occassionaly experience that but once you enjoy your space you will be better equipped to reach out and find what you want.

You can only do what feels right for you and if it is the occassional romp then so be it, just face what it is, that and nothing more. Good luck

WhiffAminoNames 53M
145 posts
12/27/2005 2:52 pm

Genie, sweetie,
My heart goes out to you.

I can't say that I have been in a relationship similar to what you've described, but I HAVE stayed in a relationship that wasn't what I really wanted because I didn't want to hurt the other person by ending it and because I didn't want to be lonely. Delaying the end only made it harder. And I've been lonely nearly every day since.

It seems to me that you do know what you should do with this relationship. I think you know what it is and that it isn't going anywhere. That seriously disappoints you and you are lonely because you miss who that guy used to be to you, even though the guy himself is still there.

If he has other needs beyond what he is getting from you (companionship, kinky sex, love) then they are being filled for him some other way, so he doesn't need YOU to fill them. He is only putting enough into you to keep you around for what he does need (extra sex).

So what needs do YOU have? Can you fill them another way? Can you continue with the status quo with him while looking for someone else to meet more of your needs? Would you be happier with a clean break or with stringing it out for the sexual release? Only you can answer those questions (which is of course why you posted here, you want more feedback and different perspectives to help you answer your own questions).

The one piece of solid advice I can give you is this: Do NOT think that you can change him or that he wil change on his own if you do X, Y, or Z. The only thing you'll find in that direction is even MORE disappointment.

This man is not your friend, friends care about the happiness of their friends. Stop thinking about him that way.

I wish you the best of luck,

Sweetgenie_girl 42F

12/27/2005 7:38 pm

LeopardLatte: I'm so glad your my friend. You always have the right words to get me to acknowledge my feelings...You're the "awesomest"!!!

KutKa69: You are so totally right: People do treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You are also right in assuming that his attitude changed with sex. Heck, I can pinpoint the exact moment-right after his 1st orgasm!. And thanks for the good luck wishes.

Sailorboy: "Delaying the end only made it harder" => so true!!! "This man is not your friend(...)Stop thinking about him that way." ==> Double-true! Kind of put things in perspective when someone says outloud what you've been thinking inside! I should focus my effort on someone who will give me what I want. Thanks much for the wise words...Say, if you ever come to Montreal, I can show you the best "attractions" in town

alex_200mm 58M
4960 posts
12/27/2005 11:01 pm


I have to concur with all the above comments. He's using you for what he wants. If you're not comfortable with what you are getting out of this "relationship", such as it is, either you have to change your views... or dump him.

I know, easier said than done. I think we've all been in relationships that have passed their "best-before" date... but if it's making you so unhappy, you deserve better. Far better.

So lose him, and the false hopes. Someone out there will be what you're looking for, and in the course of the hunt, you'll no doubt find plenty of friends... many, I'm sure, with mind-blowing "benefits" as well!

Good luck,


smileguyqc 54M

12/28/2005 6:57 am

Hey Sweetgenie, I really can't add much to what the others have already said. Just want to emphasize.... never call yourself stupid! You’re an incredibly thoughtful person. We all do things that we look back on and in retrospect wish we hadn't. You take what is best from every experience you have and move on trying to make better choices. Of course it’s possible to have relationships were sex and friendship coexist but only when both partners are sensitive to each other’s needs. Doesn't sound like this guy is into that. Of course he panics when you hint that you might be finished with him. He most likely figures that he has you under his thumb, he's in control, he's getting what he wants and he doesn't have to put out a whole lot and he wants to keep that. Genie it's not working for you so chuck it.

homme_514 38M

12/28/2005 10:47 am


You have already gotten good advice from your readers.

From what you wrote, it seems that you are already aware that your relationship with this guy is coming to an end. Do not be hard with yourself. You are a clever woman. You deserve someone who will take care of you. And this guy does not seem to be that someone. You describe him as "distant, uninterested and boring". That's not the person you are looking for.

Regarding the sex part, I would be surprised if there was only one guy who would allow you to experiment multiple orgasms.

I have no experience with "friends with benefits". In a committed relationship, the two do not always get what they want at the same time. I must admit it is true. Look at all the married people who are on this site, including me. But I guess thats just part of the deal when you are committed. You know you will not always do and get what you want. I mean im ok with that. Its just that I believe that there is more in life than just do and get what you want. There is mutual support, there are common goals, there is a shared vision of life. And I truly believe that this is more important than just getting laid when you want. Well look at me, Im talking too much.

Let's get back to you. What are your options?
- Go on with this guy and enjoy orgasms and be frustrated with the relationship itself. It seems that you cannot stand the situation anymore.
- Stay alone and get a dildo : you get frustrated because cock is better and because your dildo wont have much conversation. This can only be temporary.
- Stay alone and have other friends with benefits : same as first option if you dont get to have a good relationship.
- Find another guy who will fuck you great and whom you will have great conversations with. And you never know but you might end up committed, which is not so bad (as awkwardly described above). Well I would recommend this option even if it can take time.

I dont like it when you feel down. I want the happy and smiling Sweetgenie back again!

Sweetgenie_girl 42F

12/29/2005 8:13 pm

Aaaaaaaaaawwwww!!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!! Reading your comments makes me feel so much better. I like the support I'm getting from all of you!

Alex: Thanks for the comments. And I'll keep my eyes open for friends with "mind blowing benefits"!

Smileguyqc: you are the sweetest! It's good to have a male perspective. Thanks

Homme514: Option 4 sounds like the best to me. Even if it takes time, there's gotta be a guy on this earth who's funny and smart, and who can "fuck me great"!!! I'm gonna be on the lookout

LuvnSex4Lifetime 69F

2/7/2006 4:34 am

Hi SweetGenie Girl,

Just wondering if you've been able to end it, yet? I hope you've gone ahead and done it. Your friends have given you fantastic advice. You are not stupid. You don't like to hurt feelings. But, some people will use that quality aganst you. Just remember that what you say does not kill a person. Just say no to an invitation from him. If you've got to have some release, just say 'it's been real, Sweetie' and leave with no intention of coming back.

You have to get rid of the old, to make room for the new. Get rid of him and ask the universe to fill his place with someone much better suited for you.

All the best to you.

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