Enter at your own risk  

Sweetgenie_girl 42F
326 posts
4/6/2006 11:14 am

Last Read:
8/26/2006 9:54 am

Enter at your own risk

So if you’re in a happy mood, I don’t suggest reading the following. I’ve been feeling blue for the past few days and whenever I feel like this, writing is the only thing that helps.

So yesterday I cried. I don’t cry often because for one, I hate feeling that vulnerable plus it causes breakouts on my face (I know I’m vain)…I was talking to my mom, and she was asking about my friend Carrie. Carrie and I have been friends since we were 12 and have been inseparable since then. We went to the same high school, same college and for a while even worked at the same places. I can honestly say that since we’ve been friends, we’ve talked to each other every day, even when I was living in Toronto and she was in Montreal. But in January, we had a disagreement and haven’t spoken since then. Everyday, I keep telling myself that I should just pick up the phone and give her a call but then my evil voice inside says “why isn’t SHE calling you?”. When my mom told me to put my pride aside and apologize to Carrie, I told her that I didn’t think I could do that, after all, it wasn’t all my fault. My mom then told me that this is something I have done all my life: put my tough attitude forward and shut everybody out. She told me that even as a child, if I were mad with my parents I could go on for days without speaking to them. My mom and I once stopped talking to for almost a year. With my dad, it lasted 3 years and I haven’t spoken to my brother in 2 years…You see the pattern?

I know that my mom made that comment without malice, it wasn’t her intention to hurt my feelings, but after our conversation I just broke down and cried. She is totally right. I’m pretty good at dismissing people. I’ve been able to convince myself that all I need is me. I’m an INDEPENDENT woman. I rarely open up to my friends. In all honesty, this blog is probably the most truthful I am about my feelings. I never allow people to see my weaknesses because I always feel like they will use it against me. It’s been maybe 5 years since I’ve been in a relationship because men cheat, men hurt and men leave. I’ve never said “I love you” in any of my relationships.

See for me the goal is always the same: get out before getting hurt. The thing is I’ve been putting on this “though chick” mask for so long that I don’t even know what’s underneath it anymore. I don’t know how to be vulnerable, how to honest with someone or how to even be happy with someone. I don’t know how to allow another person to be part of the enhancement of my life. I know something feels broken but I don’t know how to let someone fix it. Because I’m so used to doing it on my own. I’m going to turn 30 soon, and it just feels like it’s too late now.

I realised yesterday, that despite my denial, this attitude isn’t working for me. What’s the point of accomplishing such great things in life when there’s no one to share the successes with? I can’t even use words to describe how lonely it feels sometimes, partly because putting it into words means acknowledging it.

Posting this is probably one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to do. As I’m writing those words, I’m still debating feeling that vulnerable in front of you all.


DIVISION77 41M
8337 posts
4/6/2006 12:13 pm

I know it's hard, but you need to let a man see you for all your vulnerabilities in order to truly enjoy a relationship.

It's reciprocal. You have to put yourself out there to be hurt in order to feel the gratification that comes with unconditional love.

That is the price for the pleasure.

You can stay the "tough girl" if you want, but any man who truly wants a partner to love who can love him in return will not respond to that.

DIV

"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur


OctaveMirbeau 42M

4/6/2006 1:47 pm

Go ahead, jump, dive in, ... enjoy! You may get hurt, it happens, has happened and will probably happen again. But you're only got one life to live.

Aim for the moon, always. If you miss it, you'll still hit the stars.

Live your life, beautiful. It's worth it. Don't let it pass. Call your friend, tell her how you feel. Don't wait for her to make the move.

Open up yourself a little. Fight your fear. Daily. It has worked for me, I don't swim in regrets anymore...


Sweetgenie_girl 42F

4/6/2006 4:12 pm

DIV,

Thanks for stopping by and the wise words...your thoughts were honest and sweet.

I'll let the "sweet" girl shine more!


alex_200mm 58M
4960 posts
4/6/2006 6:09 pm

Genie,

thanks for showing us your vulnerable side... even if it has to be done in this semi-anonymous way.

I have to agree with DIV. You have to expose yourself if you want anyone to expose themself to you (and no, not THAT way)! You may get hurt... or you may get greater joy than you thought possible.

Just my hackneyed philosophy,

Alex xo


DIVISION77 41M
8337 posts
4/6/2006 6:36 pm

    Quoting Sweetgenie_girl:
    DIV,

    Thanks for stopping by and the wise words...your thoughts were honest and sweet.

    I'll let the "sweet" girl shine more!
It's not something you can just say, Genie.

You have to feel it in your soul.....in the depths of your essence.

Internalize and feel it. It goes alot deeper than words.

The "sweet girl" is the real you, the "tough girl" is the outer shell, the defense mechanism that pushes people away.

Hail Mary.

DIV

"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur


smileguyqc 54M

4/7/2006 7:19 am

Hey Genie I hope writing this all down helped you to think things through a little. I didn't find Tea till I was 29, it takes time to find the right person and longer still to recognize them. Even after you get together with the "right" one its a constant battle, adjusting, accommodating, trying to work it out but its worth it.

Warmest hugs,
Hope you work it out


qyxx 61F
3334 posts
4/7/2006 2:23 pm

Hi Genie....I can truly feel what you are saying because I have gone thru the same process at a later age. All I can say is that it is good that you realize these things now. I too hope that it helped that you put this in writing. I also hope that you are able to work through all your issues and recognize them, rather than suppressing them, burying them deeper, in an effort to project this "tough" exterior.

Its gonna be alright!!

Q.


Sweetgenie_girl 42F

4/10/2006 5:08 pm

    Quoting OctaveMirbeau:
    Go ahead, jump, dive in, ... enjoy! You may get hurt, it happens, has happened and will probably happen again. But you're only got one life to live.

    Aim for the moon, always. If you miss it, you'll still hit the stars.

    Live your life, beautiful. It's worth it. Don't let it pass. Call your friend, tell her how you feel. Don't wait for her to make the move.

    Open up yourself a little. Fight your fear. Daily. It has worked for me, I don't swim in regrets anymore...
Octave,
Those are beautiful, encouraging words! And very appreciated as well.

I know this won't happen but I know I have to make the effort to open up and trust some more...

Thanks for stopping by.


Sweetgenie_girl 42F

4/10/2006 5:14 pm

Alex,
Exposing myself!?!?! Oh no, I could never do that! And isnt't it illegal...oh wait...not that kind of exposing, you say?

Smileguy,
I envy you and Tea. Anybody putting a smile on my face, will certainly be worth fighting for.

qyxx,
Thanks for the nice words. You're a kind and lovely lady. So it encourages me a lot.


DCEbony
1586 posts
4/13/2006 11:19 am

Sweetgenie -

Thanks so much for sharing.

I wouldn't dream of offering anything in the way of advice because I spend a good deal of my time hiding behind jokes and smart comments. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you wrote. (Maybe you and I are long lost relatives!)

Anyway, as much as I've tried, there have been a couple of men that have gotten past all of the defenses I've put up. Although it can be scary, it can also be a wonderful thing.

I have total faith that you'll find what you're looking for - when you're not looking.

Take good care, my friend.


rm_gars514 38M

4/13/2006 1:46 pm

It takes some courage to take a few steps aside and consider the situation. Dont worry about the future: 30's are the new 20's.


Sweetgenie_girl 42F

4/13/2006 2:51 pm

DCEbony,

Seriously, you and I are "soul sistas"... But you're right, no doupt I will find something wonderful when I least expect it...hopefully by then my walls will tumble down

Gars514...
I know who you are!!!! ...it's good to see you back. I've missed you! I hope all is well!


rm_Xtasy71 47M
22 posts
4/29/2006 9:55 pm

Hi Sweetgenie_girl,
Please don't worry-things will work out and don't be too discourage. You will find someone special soon and shouldn't rush into it. You will know when you find the special and right guy for you when you least expect.
Keep your head up high. Follow your feelings on love with your heart and instincts. You will still have lots of time.
To tell you a story for my own background-never had someone special in high school, cegep or in university. It took me past my 20's and by accident one night.
Keep smiling and I know something wonderful is going to happen soon.


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