SunneyOne 45F
2146 posts
1/31/2006 1:28 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm


Honesty is something that gets much more important to me as time goes on. I used to be a good liar. I could lie to my parents about where I was going, what I had been doing. I lied to people at school about how “experienced” I was. I lied in class and said I studied. And then as I got older, I couldn’t do it any more. There were more exaggerations and omissions, than outright lies.

I have been on a journey of self knowledge and betterment, more so over the last year than anything. I want to be the best me that I can. And I want to know who that person is, to understand the why’s of why I do things, why I feel things, why I respond in certain ways. I want to know what my defense mechanisms are and how to drop them. I want to become my true, authentic self.

Why? Because I think that offering anything less than that to a lover, friend or partner is not enough. They won’t have all of me, or the real me. And because I think that to truly have honest and open relationships, we have to be honest and open with ourselves first. I’m getting better at it. I hate to feel like I’m lying, holding back or hiding something from those I care about, and will eventually get it out. Even the hard stuff.

In the past, being honest about my feelings and thoughts hasn’t gone well for unknown reasons. It seemed that my honesty was met with rage, with rejection or with something less than acceptance. Pavlov’s dog; when the results of honesty met with less than favorable reaction, the honesty was even harder to do. But I have realized that even if my honesty isn’t reacted to favorably, the only way I can be true to myself is to be honest with myself first, and then with those I care about.

In conjunction with this, I am a very emotional person, very sensitive. I don’t hold grudges. I feel things deeply and as a result am often caught up in sheer bliss and laughter, or overwhelmed to the point of tears, be they happy or sad. Being able to show these emotions is a form of honesty that I am learning to deal with as well. Being able to express my feelings, even with the emotions, that is what I want, what I need. I want those close to me to know me, to really know me, who I am. It’s important to me. And likewise, I want to know them in that way.

Today, I was able to open up to someone, to be brutally honest about my feelings and insecurities and thoughts. It wasn’t easy. But they stayed, and listened, and let me hash through all these feelings until I had expressed every bit of truth that I needed to. And when I had finished, I was surprised to see that there was no nuclear reaction. There was no rejection. My honesty was met with sincerity and warmth and understanding. It was the most amazing thing. And like Pavlov’s dog again, it only reinforces the action. But this time, the action being reinforced is something healthy and good. I can’t explain the lightness, the feeling of being able to get that out in something safe and secure, so wonderful. The bond I have with that person is so much stronger, just from being able to make myself more vulnerable by expressing truth.

Just some thoughts, some ramblings, dear readers. Take from them what you will, use what you can and disregard the rest.

SeductiveStudent 33M

2/1/2006 9:10 am

I'm glad your finding yourself and being the "best" you. I just wanted to say it sounds a lot like the attitude I came to college with. I hope everything turns out the best for you, and I wish I could be at that level. While I made a conscience choice not to lie, I don't say everything there is to say, which saves me from a lot of drama.

fantasylover_05 63M

2/2/2006 6:48 pm

Very well put Sunny!!!

It seems to me you are well on the way to self discovery and honestly and openness!!!

It is a difficult road sometimes... but once you progress along that road it gets easier and the self-confidence and self worth are amazing.... you find that people (at least those that matter) not only don't reject you but embrace you.. plus you realize those that do not embrace you are not worthy of you!!

Thank you for sharing.... I am on the same road of self discovery and openness

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