too long  

SoljerBlu 40M
134 posts
1/22/2006 1:18 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

too long

I apologize in advance for this one. I usually pride myself on my conciseness, but I think it will take me awhile to get to the point on this one. I have not had much to say here lately.. I have logged in and read and 'looked' (damn, so many nice, sexy women here!), but I have not been in a mood to communicate. Some times in your life are like that.. ups and downs that make the theme park roller coasters seem tame. Hey, every hitter gets into one of those slumps where you just can't hit that little white, spinning, dancing, diving, curving, inside on your fists, 100 mph fastball... if you let get to you you'll fear it forever.. all you can do is stand in the box and take another cut at where you think it'll be this time! And.. the next time you smack that sucker into the stands... all is right with the world again. I know everybody hates them sports analogies, but too fuckin' bad. I grew up as the son of a head football coach and athelete, and even though I was always too tall, skinny, slow and weak to match him, I still was on those fields, courts and gyms giving it all I had... and learning all those dumb cliche lessons that have kept me from blowing my brains out these many years... when the going gets tough, the tough gets going! Suck it up and go! True desire can prevail over better talent! nauseum... none of that helps a lot when the 'blues got you by the throat'.. and now you get to the core of me... all of my friends eventually get to the point where they say "shut the fuck up and just play your guitar" When I get so fucking down that I slip into Frank Zappa's F-sharp runs... they all shut up too! and my own soul can actually soar above my self-pity and loathing... and I can again just live in the moments between a 5/4 and a 9/8 dissonance... I know that's more esoteric than you want.. but it's still part of what I'm kinda trying to get to.. even when I play, I will tease you.. and myself.. to limits that test patience... (does this explain my five marriages?)... but when I get where I'm going with this, it will be a reward that's different evry time I work my way to the good stuff.. (does THIS explain my five marriages?) Sorry about this commercial plug, but last night I went to a concert at the State Theater in St Pete to hear.. and watch.. Jerry Outlaw w/ Bogus Bomp... now that Frank Zappa is dead, Jerry Outlaw is the best guitarist on the planet.. they do Zappa's music.. which is some of the best music ever recorded... Anyway, my own frustrations at my ability to really play as good as Zappa or Outlaw always leads me to the point where I throw my guitar in a corner and refuse to touch it with my inadequacies... and when I do this same thing with a woman I love... it's when I always dig my ax out of the corner and simply cry through my fingers at what I've done to fuck up again... and I type this today with bloody fingers.. because I have again tried to find that flaw in my soul that will not allow me to be what I feel.. and I have failed again with my fingers.. and I only fear that I have simply failed again with my heart and soul... which brings me again on point. I have been here long enough that I have seen almost everyone here go from heaven to hell and back again... is this simply the 'human condition'?... I understand that I can write this shit on any number of sites... but here has an edge of intelligence and creativity with that touch of love, sex, desperation, satisfaction, heart and soul that I find only in the music of my soul.. not in my fingers.. they are not good enough.. I guess I can only hope my heart and soul and sexuality can get better than my fingers on the fretboard... and I find so many ways of looking at... and seeing.. the intensity and depth of love and sex here.. that I think I will stay here for awhile in hopes that I can learn more about this than I was able to learn watching Jerry Outlaw last night............ If there is any woman in St Pete who feels a need to rescue a lost soul... there is one bloody-fingered lost man in need of rescue.
I am truly beginning to love many of you here. Thank you for enduring my depraved ravings.

SoljerBlu 40M

1/22/2006 8:39 pm

Thank you Huny. This world is brutal purgatory in our search for heaven..... I ain't quitting!

StreaktheFreak 39F

1/23/2006 7:04 am

i certainly do not see any of this as depraved and having the ability to express these things does not make them any easier to deal with...but would you rather keep these things in your head? most of the time i can not seem to express things that i feel at the time, months later it comes out and more than once someone has said to me, looking back, if i knew we would have been ok. going off on my own little rant i will stfu now

SoljerBlu 40M

1/24/2006 3:24 pm

Thank you 'sweet' and 'streak'. You're right that it does help to know someone's out there, and might even care. My life has always been a roller coaster, and I'm eagerly awaiting the next 'up' cycle.. just hope I can hang in there 'til it gets here.. Lenny

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