AstirRelicLatah 65M
1288 posts
9/3/2006 9:33 am

Last Read:
9/6/2006 11:24 am


I went to a wedding last night and while I was there I realized there have been very few weddings that have made a lot of sense to me. I thought that this was true both about the ceremony as well as the reception. In fact, I think I would prefer a funeral to a wedding, but more about that later.

Wedding vows always seem silly to me. First, the religious leader of your choice tells you what to say and then you hear the groom and the bride repeat, mostly in a very soft and questioning voice. Second, the vows themselves seem silly, at least to me. The vows talk about honoring and loving for ever…rarely is there a mention of being best friends or helping each other to grow.

In my mind, successful marriages are those where the partners help each other grow into the people they can be. The successful ones are those where the partners are best friends and actually like to do things together….not everything, but enough that it’s actually fun to hang out with your spouse. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where those things are talked about in the vows.

Instead of a religious leader running the ceremony, I would like to see the people getting married sit down and have a conversation with each other about what the other means to them, what they are willing to do in the marriage and what help they would like, if any from the people witnessing the marriage…and, that is what the invited guests should be doing, witnessing the marriage.

The way we normally sit through weddings we are spectators in a ceremony that has little meaning, at least to me. I’m much more interested in what getting married means to the couple than hearing them recite vows that I suspect also have little meaning for them.

This brings to the subject of funerals and why I prefer them over weddings….Yes, it’s sad to see a loved one leave this world as we know it. But, at funerals, people talk about what this person meant to them and meant to the world. Although sad, I find this much more satisfying to participate in than witnessing a wedding where nothing real seems to be happening.

This also holds true for the reception. Where did we come up with the stupid little things that happen at receptions? Again, I would love to see the couple make the toast…they could talk about their love for each other, what that love means. They could also talk about the guests and how they added to the happiness in their lives and how they could help continuing adding to that happiness.

For me, this would have much more meaning than what happens now….it also might help cut down the size of these things…you would think that gee, I have to say something about this person in a meaningful way…Do I want them at my wedding? What an interesting thought…

I’m curious. What are your thoughts about weddings? Do they make sense the way they’re usually structured? If you would like to see wedding changed, how would you like it down? Just curious…oh, thanks for reading and letting me rant again…*grinning widely*

JuicyBBW1001 55F

9/3/2006 9:53 am

I have never been married and doubt that I ever will at this point. To me it seems that people are being more disposable. Meaning that they are always looking for greener pastures and if they find it they move on.
I am beginning to think that the polyamourous lifestyle might not be a bad choice for me because I am one of those kinds of people who believes that even if you can't be lovers in a physical sense you can still be intimate partners with many. Just something I am wrestling with it.


AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/3/2006 11:11 am:
I actually think marriage is fine...but I would like the ceremony to be a little, ok a lot more personal...we should celebrate the beginning of a life together at least as well as the end of a life...just my opinion. thanks for stopping by.

wickedeasy 68F  
30897 posts
9/3/2006 10:44 am

at my wedding i quoted a poem and everyone gasped - but my soon to be husband laughed out loud. at the reception, all the food was made by friends. the music played by friends. the flowers gathered and arranged by friends. after, we had a snowball fight and a friend broke my nose with a direct hit . not a lot of ceremony but a lot of fun.

i like a good irish wake - stories and whiskey and dancing. a celebration of a life lived.

i don't know that i believe in marriage per se. i believe that two people can partner in life and form a unit that works. yet there is also part of me that enjoys the ritual of publicly stating your commitment -

grrrrrrr - stop making me think - it's Sunday for goodness sake.


You cannot conceive the many without the one.

AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/3/2006 11:14 am:
I actually can't think of a thing I would rather do than make you think on Sunday. *grinning wildly with fingers crossed behind my back.* Your wedding sounds like the type I like, a good old fashioned brawl...

I guess that means you also don't want to think tomorrow because it's labor day. LOL BTW, your post today caused a lot more thinking and pain than mine...this is just an observation about ceremonies that makes no sense, yours is just a tad more serious..if you're interested in getting a depressing web site on the subject, let me know...Happy Sunday...*grin*

sophia4u2no 50F

9/3/2006 11:09 am

I agree with you, when i got married, we had issues because i wouldn't say forever, i can't promise forever, because i don't know how long forever is, of course, hindsight is 20/20, as it turned out i only got 3 years, i would have preferred forever, but thanks to George Bush and his lovely war, I got 3 years.

I do have a great friend who believes in one year commitments and renewing the commitment each year, he has been with his partner for 22 years now, so there might be something to be said for that.

Thanks for sharing the thoughts.


AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/3/2006 11:50 am:
I don't the know the details but Shrub is not a friend of mine either...or our family for that matter. You can read more about that in other posts here.

I guess recommitting is a good thing to do...My rant on this particular post is letting your wedding getting hijacked by social norms that make zero sense.

BTW, I read a few of your posts and they're very, very good. I'll be a regular visitor. Thanks so much for stopping by.

silverhawk762 52M/48F

9/3/2006 11:19 am

We were married by a judge, and the ceremony was held in the divorce court. We've both sworn that we're never going back, so one of us has got to die.... You're right, though. More attention is paid to the bride's dress than whether or not the vows are going to be honored. It's kinda sad, and you're right about funerals being more realistic... At least everyone knows whether or not the funeral will last!!!! {=}

AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/3/2006 11:54 am:
Yea, it's sad that most vows are not honored...I frankly don't even remember what we said..My point is that I would like a wedding to be as personal as a funeral...let others come up and speak about the people getting married...have the people getting married have a connection in their ceremony with everyone attending...for me, at least it would be much more interesting and meaningful...thanks for stopping by.

wickedeasy 68F  
30897 posts
9/3/2006 1:48 pm

send the site - seems i'm stuck on thinking now that you made me start

You cannot conceive the many without the one.

rm_shannee2006 53F
3355 posts
9/3/2006 3:24 pm

Interesting post. I have always thought you were right about weddings. In a Wiccan wedding, each guest gets an opportunity to offer a blessing on the couple as well as with Lakota and the Sufi ceremonies that I've seen. The receptions afterwards are usually loose, relaxed social affairs. I had my wedding in a camp ground group space. It was great fun...and I posted my wedding vows recently. I've had many people comment on how much meaning they hold over the years. We chose thos vows and were already living them using that annual marriage idea already we knew they were good vows when we made them official with our friends.

Thoughtful post skier. Hugs!

You haven't written any erotica in awhile...hint hint hint...LOL!

WE quit whining you loving thinking. You can't resist it. LOL!

Yup...this juiciness is from me....


AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/4/2006 3:57 am:
I've seen your vows and I do like them. I also like the two addendums that you had. For those of you whow want to see them you can go to [post 491971] to see it.

ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
9/3/2006 4:06 pm

Yes I have found that funerals are more meaningful and real than weddings...archaic vows that would best be suited no where...I needs to be allowed to be more real...more personal...So many fret over the cost the caterers the lists and all the "stuff" yet..not many do anything to change it to a more personal and real celebration. Thanks Skier...always thoughtful posts *smiles*

AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/4/2006 3:59 am:
Ah, I really didn't get into the reception in this post....they are at least as ridiculous as the least in my opinion. I just find it strange that we do such a poor job of celebrating weddings.

rm_aWench4U 62M/62F
741 posts
9/3/2006 6:37 pm

When I got married in the 70's, the thing to do was write your own vows so that they were personal and did have meaning. We took several months to write our vows, which we based on some of the common themes running through the many books we read. Our vows spoke of being each other's best friend, growing and changing together and supporting each other even through failures. Unfortunately, even personalizing the wedding vows wasn't enough to make the marriage last. After 29 years (well, 31 if you count the time before the wedding) of being together, we ended up like half of American couples, divorced.

I do like your idea about greater "audience participation." I recently attended my niece's wedding and got to see a bit of that. Her husband is from another cultural back ground, and part of their tradition is having about ten percent of the guests, randomly selected, propose a toast, or ask a blessing, and then the couple responds in like manner. That requires that they know something about their guests. At this wedding, there were over 400 guests, which meant about 40 were selected. The toasts were scattered throughout the reception and it really made it an event to remember.

Remember the past but do not dwell there.
Face the future where all our hopes stand.


AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/4/2006 4:01 am:
Wow, 400 people at a head is already starting to hurt. *grin* My point really wasn't about marriages lasting it's about the intention you have when you get married and stating that intention for the world and yourself to hear....We let too many people in society speak for us. It would seem to me that at our wedding, we should at least speak for least this once. I would like to attend the wedding you described, it would at least hold my attention.

catkit13 67F

9/3/2006 7:11 pm

what a great thought - a meaningful wedding! i'm going to copy your post, cut out the identifying factors, and send it to my beautiful niece and her wonderful man . . . maybe they'll incorporate some of your ideas into their ceremony.
as for funerals, i've gone to far too many in the past several years, many people who died too young, for the wrong reasons, for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, for so many wrong reasons and, interestingly, i'm very surprised that i'm still alive at the ripe old age of 56 - if i'd known i was going to live this long, i'd have taken better care of myself (do i thank henny youngman for that? don't remember)
bye for now,

AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/4/2006 4:04 am:
Cat, if you had taken better care of yourself, look at all the fun you would have missed out on. *grinning broadly* I wasn't advocating funerals as fun places to be, but I was making a point about them being way more real and meaningful than weddings. I would like to see weddings be even more meaningful than funerals. I also would like to see this be a societal norm. Now, that could cause some interesting social change....what do you think.

missana 59F
42 posts
9/4/2006 2:07 pm

ive been to some really stupid funerals....and some really beautiful weddings...and vice versa...

we got married mostly, cause i didnt want to have to lie to my mother...

the real ceremony, was when he had me tattooed with his mark.....the real vow we made is...fear will not stop us....

more important than the wedding, for us, was the first anniverary...smiles

AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/4/2006 5:56 pm:
I wasn't so much making a value judgment about weddings versus funerals as the lack of thought and intimacy that most weddings I go to have. I like your vow. smiles back.

sophia4u2no 50F

9/4/2006 4:35 pm

My father used say " it doesn't matter who you are, the number of people at your wedding or your funeral will still be decided by the weather" lmao, he was a case. Sophie

AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/4/2006 5:57 pm:
That's probably true. We had thirteen people at our wedding and we had a chance to connect nicely with all of them....It also was a snowy crappy day, but the dinner we hosted was wonderful...except for a whiny sister in law, but that's another story. *grin*

bipolybabe 56F

9/5/2006 8:53 am

My ex-husband and I chose to have a small event, surrounded by our close circle of friends, and we invited them to support us in making our marriage work. Unfortunately, we didn't keep inviting them in as we faced conflict. I believe that lack of support for couples who are raising young children is one of the worst things missing in our culture. Gone are the extended families, the communities where your neighbor would keep an eye on your kids for a few hours and you'd keep an eye on hers. Now, we're all so busy rushing to and fro, working more hours than ever before. And for what?

I think we need a reinvention of what "family" is. Thanks for letting me rant!



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AstirRelicLatah replies on 9/6/2006 11:26 am:
You're welcome to rant here anytime. We are lucky in our community in that those support systems still were around when are kids were younger. Must be part of living in rural Vermont. And, I do agree we need a reinvention of what family is.

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