System Failure- The Deadbeat DAD theory  

Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
3683 posts
7/12/2005 3:31 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

System Failure- The Deadbeat DAD theory


Caught between sadness and anger and why, WHY, WHY!!!
I don't even know how to begn this story because I am that pissed off about it and it takes a LOT to ge me pissed..
When my ex-wife and I separated, primarily due to her belief that I was doing things that I wasn't and she has since apologized for, for all of you doubting manbashers out there.
I was taking care of my two little boys. Getting their clothes ready the night before for school, washing,ironing. Walking them to school in 3 inchs of snow because during our divorce proceedings we lost our 3 cars, a building that housed our businesses and a ton of other things. Getting their baths done, their hair, homework, etc. I have done the single dad thing and give props to any woman out there that is raising their kids with or without a man, but dammit, its time that the system AND Women, give back a little bit more to the MEN (Let me say that again...MEN) that are actually involved in their childrens lives and are doing the best that THEY can in order to provide for their kids. I'm getting real f'ing sick and tired with people just assuming that because you have a penis that you are the one that has to be at fault. Or because you're a guy that you are not expected to be shit, and are just going to be a deadbeat because you are male. There are a lot of both sexes out there that ain't doing what they are supposed to do. I Love my kids and I don't need a f'ing cookie from anybody, because I'm doing my job. I also don't need the f'ing pre-conceived diatribe that ... "Oh, she's the mother" or "Oh, because she's a woman" dropping down like that automatically makes anything that she does right.
F That. If you do wrong, YOU ARE WRONG. No matter what sex you are. No matter what color you are. I have proven time and time again in front of courts, Her,her friends and family that I only speak the f'ing truth and only wish for success for MY kids.
I received a number of verbal and even written apologies for the assumptions and reactions of various agencies, who have thrown speed bumps in the way of my progress, just because they assumed that I was like "The OTHER FATHERS"
I'm getting sick of fighting assumptions. For any woman that has a man that is doing his best by his kids, Sometimes, Tell him THANKS. Not because he shouldn't be doing his best by his kids, but because of the so many males that are NOT. The ones creating a f'd up situation, not only for other men, but for kids and for women. Because it damn sure ain't that pretty and easy for a woman to be raising kids alone either. Every now and then take a moment, A special moment and let them know you appreciate them. Dinner, blowjobs, massages...That is icing on the cake and extra stuff. NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Get his attention, Look him in the eye and verbally say... "I really appreciate what you do for our kids." Because they could have fallen in the black hole trap that society and some of our fine state and local agencies put out there to hinder them. My ex-wife has been asked on several occassions, "Is it okay for the dad to come?"
Who The F#@k gave anybody the audacity to ask a dumb a$$ question like that? They are my Kids. She didn't have them by herself. Fortunately even though my EX and I have our differences, that is not one of them and even she will tell them,
"Why the H#ll shouldn't it Be?" By the way, The EX has said to me that she appreciates me being there. Not exactly when or the level of understanding that is needed, but I appreciate the fact that this is one argument that She and I don't have. Don't let players,idiots and deadbeats F'up how you treat REAL MEN. We don't deseve that and should not always have to be understanding that somebody ELSE did something, so we have to deal with bad treatment.

TopFisher 64M

7/12/2005 5:12 pm

Don't do no good to get angry, no wait, I take that back.

It's beyond time men get angry about the way society is treating them.

Some wil take such as being angry, ok, fine, but the reality is that things are no longer balanced and for sure not fair to men at all any longer.

There is a fellow or two you need ot prattle with about this issue, write me I'll let you know where they can be reached.

Oh and huge congrats on taking care of your family!


NoodleFrontity 58M
9 posts
7/12/2005 5:28 pm

Guys haven't cornered the market on being deadbeats and neither have women on being the responsible parent. I know this first-hand. Maybe that's the key. The only way society is going to let go of the stereotypes is by experiencing the responsibility & lack of support for themselves. But, having been there myself, I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Am I ever glad my kids are old enough to take care of themselves now.


Fallic40 54M
1858 posts
7/12/2005 5:37 pm

You couldn't have stated it more eloquently. I get the pleasure of dealing with the state of Oregon - truly one of the worst states for being a single father. The underlying assumption here is that every divorced father is a useless piece of crap only intent on avoiding responsibility at all costs.

I have two daughters who come and go between my home and my ex's home as they please or as they need: fuck the state saying that I can only see my daughters for two days every two weeks. My ex and I disagree on many things - but not on our daughters: they come before anything else.

It is always a mindblowing situation for other people when I show up to school events with my ex and her new husband. We attend parent teacher conferences together and I am always invited to family functions by the ex's side of the family. I have a good time joking around with him and I still enjoy being around my ex and her family. Perhaps, I am in a minority - but I believe in behaving as I was taught a man should behave: honour, dignity, responsibility.

My oldest daughter is now starting to date - and the rules are simple - both dads meet the guy. Both dads approve the guy. Neither of us are men to be trifled with.

However, being tarred with the same brush as everyone else, does not only piss me off, but really hurts me to the core. I even have a dead beat ex brother-in-law who if I catch up with him will get tossed a beating because of the damage he has done.

When women see the word "DIVORCED" next to a guy, they are so quick to judge that I no longer list it - instead I just say "single". Divorced is considered to be a dirty and obscene word when it has the word "father" with it.


jonnymanwhore 45M
1 post
7/12/2005 6:16 pm

Dear god I am glad that somebody else out there is going through what I am. It makes me want to slap the crap out of people that automaticly assume that because I am divorced, with two kids, that it was ALL ON ME! I take pride in caring for my children because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO!!!!! Unfortunatly my EX is Bi-Polar, which to the courts only means that somehow she deserves custody of our two children with sparse visitation for me. I take every opportunity to see my kids and when I am with them I pay attention to THEM not watch TV play on the computer etc etc etc. I have so far sold my car, cashed in my savings bonds, drained my bank account and taken on a third job so that I can pay for lawyer fees, court costs and of course my child support, which I am 2 YEARS paid on currently. Even with all that, the fact that I too have a penis seems to be an inhibiting factor, I feel for you man. LET THE REAL MEN OF THE WORLD UNITE!


__Huntress__ 56M/59F

7/12/2005 6:58 pm

Believe me when I tell you that this is a two-way street ... the system fails "parents" in general who are attempting to do the best they can under difficult situations for their children. I work in family law ... I deal with custody issues on a daily basis. It is heartwrenching! I cannot begin to tell you the horrors I've seen ... as we ... the ignorant turn our lives over to a judicial system that - more often than not - truly doesn't give a damn.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
7/12/2005 10:19 pm

Topfisher, Thank you and I will send you an e-mail. There are a couple of organizations like dads rights and A.D.A.M. that have done a little, but I am really on the verge of starting an organization just as vocal as ACT-UP or one of the orgs that have fought for Gay rights, because its for damn sure they have been lobbying in the political arenas and there are things happening. There are laws out there that can be used and there are definate voices that can make themselves heard. It is way past time.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
7/12/2005 10:26 pm

Noodle frontity, thank you for sharing. I too would not wish that pain upon anyone.
I know some will say that I am blowing things out of proportion, but I think this situation is just as epidemic as aids. I'm pretty sure that the stress and anger, depression and sorrow has probably caused a few actual deaths and I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I swear if the research were to actually be done on the damage caused by these simple everyday, overlooked circumstances. I guarantee you it would be of epidemic proportions.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
7/12/2005 10:35 pm

Fallic, I envy you in a way. My ex's first boyfriend after our separation turned out to be a crackhead. He's dead now. Her girlfriend that she hung around, her husband was a drug dealer, He's dead now. Shot in his home, thru the front door in front of his wife, new baby and her daughter by another man. My kids could have been right there with them. Any of those babies could have been hurt or killed. Her latest boyfriend is a jehovah witness, which, whatever religion a person practices, that is their right as a human and as an american, However our kids were raised Christian for the first 10 years plus of their lives, everyone in their families on both sides are christians and now suddenly, because she has a new boyfriend she wants to have them go to bible study in the jehovah witness faith. Which I personally have some very tragic experiences with that particular faith. To each his own, leave my kids out. Date who you want, Leave my kids out. Needless to say, don't bring any one around my kids, because I have a right as a parent to know who is going to be around them AND their background. On top of that. I'm involved in their lives, I'm raising my kids with their mother, whether we are together or not and there will be no other opinion being drilled into my kids heads. Just is not going to happen for me. I don't trust her choices.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
7/12/2005 10:43 pm

Jonny, I don't know if you have joint custody as I do, but if there is medical mental issue, such as being bi-polar and if it has been diagnosed, my suggestion would be to document various instances and circumstances that may prove harmful or detrimental to your children and have a lawyer present them to the courts in order to get FULL Custody. If the situations are Truly dangerous and the courts do nothing, file a law suit against the state for reckless endangerment of a minor and send notification to every newspaper, radio and television station you can find an address or e-mail to in the united states.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
7/12/2005 10:48 pm

Huntress, I especially appreciate your comments here. Being involved in the legal system and being a woman. I'm not just talking crap about these situations, they are actually happening and as you have verified the heartwrenching situations that you see daily.
Thank you for visiting Sizzle's world.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
7/12/2005 10:55 pm

Thank you to everyone that commented. I truly feel that something must be done. Sometimes I feel helpless, as I'm sure many men do also. I pray that God either gives me the strength to help make a difference in this issue or ponts out the person that I should support. I don't have the answer yet. I don't look at myself as a Martin Luther King or Ghandi or any of the very brave and faithful souls that have confronted various issues, but at the same time I sometimes feel like I'm being placed to push this forward. I know I can't do it alone. I don't think any one man can with all of the odds stacked, but I would also be extremely hurt and dissapointed if all the men facing these types of issues and things didn't come forth on some type of level inorder to change things. Especially if I were to go beyond just trying to change my personal issue.


CuriousKitty675 43F
365 posts
7/13/2005 9:05 am

Sizzle Darling, you're right. REAL MEN, need to be commended. Unfortunately there are too many jerkwads out there that are too selfish to think of thier children first and themselves second. And in the term jerkwads I mean both sexes. All the money grubbing, petty women out there give divorced women a bad name too.

I think we need to divide the world in 2 seperate halves and put all the real men and women on one half and the jerkwads on the other so they can have thier little petty squabbles and drama (after they have been sterilized of course) and the real people can live normal happy lives and raise happy children. Because no matter what, it's the child that comes first.

All you real men that posted here know this:
Despite any of the BS drama you are going through or will go through in the future, conducting yourselves the way you do and having the integrity to set a good example will not go unnoticed. When your children are old enough to understand the complexities of the situation they will be so proud of you and love you all the more for it. That in itself is the ultimate reward.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
7/13/2005 1:59 pm

Thank you curious. I really feel that there needs to be some type of reform and looking at individual cases as just that, individual cases. There needs to be more research into what is going on these houses, instead of just the assembly line divorce, child support, visitation. Kids need more than that.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
7/14/2005 7:45 am

Thanks for visiting Katey. I'm not sure about the highest government office and the platform, because their are so many people that have no clue about the pain being caused to people. Then again with divorce rates up their might be enough people to do this. I was in a highly emotional state when I created this post and now it is beginning to take a life of its own on. There definately needs to be something done and as the ideas keep coming, I do plan to follow up somehow. Would appreciate you and anyone else supporting when that time comes. Thanks again for the visit.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
7/14/2005 7:57 am

Hi Anika. You are so very right. I have explained to my ex, that I will KNOW who is around my kids and I deserve to knoow as a parent. As far as the PPO, they can be contested and removed, if their is no valid reason for it and as far as the full child support. My suggestion is COUNTERSUE. She is causing emotional duress. If child support was enough during the period where more than one child was on it, then it should definately be adequate to handle one child. Also any and all pictures, etc. that he is getting or taking in order to prove his points or protect himself should be done by a licensed private investigator. The same private investigator that should dig up any and all background information on "the interloper". Secondly, if the PPO is not removed, He can report to FIA re: his visitation and she will just have to drop the child off and pick up. As long as there is no threat to the well being of the child, there isno reason why he should not be able to see his daughter. Tell him to document each time that she denies visitation and cll the office repetitively until they do something about it. She can wind up in Jail for not following a court order.


rosegoddess21 33F
11 posts
8/8/2005 6:30 pm

I tend to agree with the belief that most men really do want to have an "active role" in their children's lives, even though I have just ended a relationship with my son's father, who can't stand responsibility.

I still keep hope that men like you truly do exist, and it is comforting to learn that you really do care for your children.

My father left when I was 1 year old. Saw him for 2 hours once when I was 7, and haven't heard from him since. My 4 other half-siblings haven't heard from him either throughout their lives. He wants nothing to do with me, because I was the "bastard child" that screwed up his marriage. Excuse me, but I had no intention of being born. That was my parents' choice to do what they did. I don't harbor resentment against him as much as I did as a child, and just my luck, I married a man JUST LIKE HIM.

My ex husband never wanted the responsibility of a child to begin with. He now has 2 kids and doesn't contact either one of them, yet swears he loves them beyond all else. Bull. If you really love your kids, you contact them, write a letter if you can't visit, send a card, SOMETHING! My father did so until I was 7. He then reasoned that if I wanted to see him when I got older, I would. I thought I had done something wrong, had made him hate me...(Men, pls, if you don't want the responsibility of children "popping" up, use condoms and any other preventive measure you can. Preaching to the choir, eh?)

It really hurts children when their parents fight, split up, etc, especially if their father seemingly disappears. I thank God that there are still fathers on this Earth that care about their children like you do.

My son's father doesn't care as long as I don't have another man that my son calls "daddy". He did the same with his 1st child, and ended up being forced to sign over his rights to his daughter. He does not play an active role in either of his children's lives, yet has his girlfriend's 3 little girls calling him "Daddy"!!! WTF?!

I keep thinking that someday he will realize what he is doing to his children, just as my father did with me & my siblings beginning all those years ago up to this day.

For all those dads out there who do their "job" and stick by their children's sides, BRAVO! You damn well deserve a round of applause, and you dad's who are single dad's...well, hell...you've got my appreciation right then and there. I am a single mom, and I know what it takes to start young, give up everything you once valued (IE freedom) and give absolutely everything to those children. They depend on us to be ADULTS, not kids ourselves.

As a friend of mine once put it - "True deadbeats are simply children raising children. They don't know what to do, and most are scared off by the responsibility, thus hurting their innocent child in the long run."

Would that it were a perfect world...

PS, in response to your comment on Jehovah's Witnesses...
I know there are stories about extreme JW's hurting others, seemingly insane, etc., and some are so zealous at a first meeting they turn others off to the religion immediately, with ppl thinking they are just nuts. These ppl are the ones who make the JW's look so bad.

Think about what you said earlier, Sizzle. "I'm getting sick of fighting assumptions." Basically, you're talking about being lumped in with all of the assholes that give men a bad name. JW's are also fighting assumptions. There are those who get on the extreme side in their interpretations of the JW belief. The majority, however, are truly sweet and caring people.
I myself am not a JW. I do not understand a lot of what they believe, however I have JW's in my family, and they have become some of the most loving, unassumptive people I have EVER known. They get doors slammed in their faces simply for saying who they are. Sounds familiar on the dating front, eh? Just don't judge others by what you think you know about them. Get to know the real person, and you may very well be surprised.


Sizzle364
(Juan S)
53M
2642 posts
8/15/2005 1:14 pm

Rosegoddess- Thank you for your visit. That feeling of "well, if they want to see me when they get older they can" is a feeling that I fight daily. It stems from not wanting to deal with the bull the courts and the ex puts you through. The games that are played and just wanting to not go through the pain of it. Nothing to do with the actual kids. At least in my case. So far I have won that battle. I stay involved irregardless. With no outlet right now to assist with the pain.

As to JW's, my feelings stem from an incident when i was younger. A girl. A young friend of mine was in a horrible accident. The doctors could have saved her life, they felt, if they had given her a blood transfusion. The parents refused because of their belief. She Died.
Jehovah Witnesses do not believe in the transference of blood. This is not an assumption.
Jehovah Witnesses do not celebrate Christmas and other holidays. My kids were raised with this tradition from both sides of their family and to TAKE away something that brings them together with their family...I'm sorry. I don't agree. Especially for the sake of it being what her new boyfriend is into. Who WILL not be a part of my childrens lives, no matter what and probably won't be around her for very long either.
As to the slamming of doors...Most people don't go to someone's house unless invited or at least being in the list of people allowed to pop up. So when there is a door knock, just as you burnt dinner, or the dog threw up on your new couch, you're about to have sex, you just finished having sex, the baby threw their food across the room onto your new TV, you're sleeping in on your only day off from your midnight job...and its 8 in the morning...It can get a little annoying. To my credit I haven't been rude or slammed a door yet, but I keep thinking about ust walking to the door nude, just to give them the idea that they might be disturbing me, by popping up unannounced.


islandgirl_702 55F

8/27/2005 10:22 pm

I understand the frustration caused by the stereotypical attitude about this issue. I firmly believe there are wonderful, nuturing, and devoted fathers in this world. Unfortunately, through our governmental statistical studies thes men are in a group of minorities. It was a step in a right direction when the non-profit organizations "FATHER AND THEIR RIGHTS" was created. It does take time but this will NEVER be an issue that will ever be resolved. It is frustrating when your own honor is attacked. Like every other issue that cannot be defeated (i.e. prejudicy against race, sex, origin, etc...) I just take the attitude...Ah F'Y clean out your own skeletons instead of trying to analyze my situation! We will never rid the world of ignorant, bored, and malicious people like that but we can sure look at them as if they have shit on their nose.


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