Love, Loss and Rebound  

SincereSiren 43F
47 posts
6/13/2006 10:34 pm

Last Read:
7/31/2006 5:05 am

Love, Loss and Rebound

A comment on my last post got me to thinking about love and marriage and my views on such things.

I want to start by saying that at no time in my life (that I can recall) did I ever entertain the notion of a prince-on-a-white-horse-fairy-tale life. It just wasn't going to be that way for me.

My mother was a single mother and she busted her ass to support me- my life wasn't like my friend's lives and I knew that early on.

I know I don't need to spend years in therapy to find out why I am who I am, my past clearly defines such things.

1. My father rolled out when I was too young to remember how he ever would have smiled at me with love in his eyes.

2. My mother dated a long string of useless men. Most were nice enough I suppose but all were as broken as she was. I've never seen my mom in love but once and that was with a man she never had a relationship with - or at least not a relationship that I saw aside from she talked about him a lot and I met him only once.

Combine these two things and is it any wonder I'm cynical about love. Oh, I know I've felt it. I'm still feeling it daily in a very sad, lost forever sort of way. I know that I know how to love, I just don't seem to be able to get the who to love part right.

I, much like my mother, seem to be sucked in by the broken ones. Why? Because I'm very good at fixing things, I'm very good at making someone feel comfortable in their own skin because I am very comfortable in mine. I'm a good listener, a good cuddler, a good fucker... I'm very good at fixing low self esteem.

I feel like I always get these guys who are rather needy; each in their own and generally only in that one way, be it sex or companionship or an open, unjudgemental ear or someone to watch a game with - whatever. Once that need is filled to overbrimming it seems like I'm left behind.

Feeling used is horrible and thinking of it that way is rather horrible too since I do get something out of it or I wouldn't allow it to continue, right? This last guy has really just fucked my brain raw. Almost as though I haven't had closure with it. Alas, I think someone simply saying they don't want to be with you is enough closure but I want...

I want... what?

Revenge for feeling lied to and used. Want him to hurt as much as I have over the last few years. Retribution because I feel like his life was unaffected and mine is upside down.

I want a lot of things, including wanting our seemingly easy friendship back.

But I know these things aren't meant to be so I don't know where to put the energy that my brain is spending obsessing about it all.

The easy answer is as one of my friends says, "The best way to forget an old fuck is with a new fuck."

She's a classy one, I tell ya. Love her to bits.

A distraction.

So last week I drove out of state to meet a guy I've been crushing on for years. We already had friendship, admitted attraction, distance and the easiness that comes with lost of long discussion as well as shared secrets. The problem? He's married.

So now I really am that girl; I'm not sure how I feel about that. Neither he nor I pretended that it was going to be anything more than one night of meeting. I don't think either of us was really sure or prepared for anything more than meeting to happen. But it did and as expected, our friendship is fine. We still flirt like deprived bunnies and we still have real conversation about the world and philosophy and blah blah blah...

Yeah, it fixed nothing. I need a more permanent distraction

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