Over?  

SilkenKiera 39F   
393 posts
4/4/2006 2:43 pm

Last Read:
4/17/2006 9:16 am

Over?

First of all, I would like to begin todays post by thanking the following people for lovingly taking the time to share their thoughts and great advice to yesterdays post;

Kelli4u2dew
synn74
tamethytension
Loosetooth
ShayeDK
zomgz
imdbst2323
blueguy1051

Your words have meant so much to me. I have read and re-read all of your comments and have taken them all to heart.



firestarter665 44M/40F

4/4/2006 4:21 pm

Sweetie, I meant to comment on yesterday's post, but the kids were calling. I have told my husband from the get go that if he is not happy in this marriage to tell me and I will do the same for him. Happiness and communication are the biggest parts of marriage for me and I feel that if those two things don't exist in a marriage then the marriage should not exist. Personally, I would try to talk things out before doing anything that I might regret and see where to go from there.

I am not sure how to answer your question, but I did want to share my thoughts on the matter. I wish you the best!


rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
4/4/2006 5:18 pm

I don't know how to answer your question. By the time I left my ex, I hated him. Of course, it took me years before I even questioned my marriage. It went down hill very, very quickly.

I think that for now, you're going to have to stick it out. I don't know you very well, but from what I read I don't think you would be comfortable abandoning him while he's down. Once he gets back on his feet, re-evaluate and see how you feel. Some people find that a trial separation can help them sort out their feelings.

It really seems as though you need some time for yourself. Are you able to separate your dissatisfaction with him and your dissatisfaction with you?


docdirk 49M

4/4/2006 9:05 pm

Kiera, I am so sorry that I chose to take some time away from here while all this was happening. Then again, I hardly have any advice worth offering. After all, I just turned 37 and have never been married. I know, deep down, that I do not have what it takes to commit to something that big, that prolonged.

But you did. Something inside of you was convinced that he was the one. And, from the very first time I read your blog and profile, you guys seemed to be happy, healthy and enviable. Is this just a rough patch, or is this an insight to a future with more trouble than it's worth? Obviously, only you can answer that.

From reading your last few posts, it seems that a lot has happened over a very short period of time. When things steamroll like that, tensions are raised, nerves are frayed and frustarations boil over. My guess is that things seem much worse than they really are at the moment. For both of you. But even on that I hate to conjecture.

Please keep the "big picture" in mind. Believe that these tough moments are temporary. Think about how, a year from now, you can have a good laugh - or a stiff drink, and put it behind you.

Of course, that could be the worst thing I could say. Like I said, I'm really bad at giving advice. I am, however, a very good listener. If you need to bounce some stuff off a male perspective, lemme know. Blue Hens Unite!!!

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...


mangomamiCT 43F

4/4/2006 9:29 pm

When they are not the person you want to call first . good news or bad .Thats how I always know it's time to go .


TrapsTomesSteed 43M
202 posts
4/4/2006 10:32 pm

I'm glad that the people posting are having a positive effect and helping you through this rough patch. It's pretty amazing to see people who've never met bond and help eachother in such a way.

Regrettably, I don't know how to answer your latest question. I admit that anything I say about it is going to be conjecture. I have never been married. Not even close, really. I can only imagine what you are going through. But allow me to two thoughts for the evening.

The first is communication. There can be no progress without it. I think you need to somehow bring at least some of these thoughts you're having into the open. Otherwise they will keep eating at you from the inside. The most difficult part about that is how to start it. I think that's something only you can know. But remember that communication doesn't have to be confrontational.

The second is for you to continue being strong. There are lots of people who just throw their hands up and quit at times like these. Don't take the easy way out. Most comments on your blog seem to have some very good insight and ideas. I think you and your husband owe it to eachother to keep trying to work through this right now with some of those thoughts in mind.

Whatever you decide, I urge you to take your time and look at it from as many perspectives as possible. And get some rest. Tomorrow is always a new day.


blueguy1051 61M

4/4/2006 11:59 pm

My question remains, how do you know when you are married to someone you should have just stayed friends with?
------------------------
When all you can think about is how miserable you are instead of how happy you are. Marriage, job, whatever.

And you're welcome. Good luck.


Loosetooth 42M
1148 posts
4/5/2006 4:15 am

While I mulled this over I got through so much music on Itunes. You have added a bit more information this time, which has changed my perspective a bit.

I reckon that this situation will have you properly mixed up. So the first thing you have to do is not get down on yourself (I dunno whether you suffer from this). When things are going to the shit the tendancy is to feel as though you are a wrong'un, 'what I am doing....I do not want to hurt him...' that kind of stuff. Well you ain't doing nothing new, nothing that no-one here has not done before, will not do again. There is no higher morality in love, all you can do is try to act as honourably as possible and hope that that is enough. People will always be hurt and that is something we just have to accept. Only by taking care of yourself can you be true to your husband. Your first responsibility is to yourself. If you start acting in a certain way because you do not want to hurt him, then you will storing up hurt for him in the future. Good intentions rarely have the stamina to see out a marriage. So stop thinking about him, hard though that will be, become blinkered it will make you look like a hard nosed cow but it is for the best for you and him.

There is good news and bad news here. People always think that these things are difficult, however like most things that are difficult the difficulty in the execution and not in the ability to perceive the problem. No-one here will be able to answer the question as you have asked it. It is too personal and depends on factors that the ordinary blogger cannot know. Variables such as your character, his, your history (both your version and his - remember truth in these situations is subjective - which links back to there being no higher morality). But for me, as you have written it, I think that the thing is quite simple, but the decision you have is difficult, a difficulty that your humanity will make harder.

You are so down on yourself. Your description of yourself is painted in broad negative strokes. This has been going on for some time and has become mixed up in too much. There are so many avenues I have written in an attempt to unravel this a bit more but it always becomes too protracted and I think that you will fall asleep before I have finished. I have decided to go for brevity and if you have any questions then you can contact me seperately, so from now on this thing will make me seem gruff but I am just trying to get it all in.

People will always tell you have difficult this shit is. It is not. More often than not these things are writ large across the sky in front of us. Ask yourself any question and your gut will answer immediately, whether you choose to recognise the answer or allow logic to kick in and start an argument is your choice. It is just the difficulty of the involvement with someone elses emotions and the execution, of what has to be done, that makes the whole thing hard. Simple truth is always recognisable. All you have to do is ask yourself and really want an answer and your first response will be the one. Ask yourself now. Deep down a reply will come back and you will know.

Asking if your marriage is over is the wrong question, anyway. Here is why. Are you still with him? Did it feel over when you passed the salt over the breakfast table this morning? So no your marriage is not over, there is some distance left to run. Yet if it was going well would you be asking the questions that you are asking? No. You would be in love with him and if anyone suggested you were not then you would react angrily.

So to answer your question, no your marriage is not over, but it is not going well. But then you knew that. The question you are actually asking is am I pretending to love a man in a marriage that has become a sham? or should I end this marriage as I do not feel the same?

Well your negative self image tells us that you do not feel good, but is that because of your marriage? Sometimes the human brain can find fault in something which there is none simply because it cannot find fault elsewhere. I once bailed on a relationship with a girl I loved because of similar sentiments, months later when I realised it was a problem with myself not her, she was gone. So be sure that you have a problem with your marriage and not yourself, it would be a tragedy if you changed your marriage only to find that it was your career that was getting you down, or simply boredom at how comfortable you had become.

You do well to think of the situation in terms of paths. Remember that a path can be travelled in two directions. It may well be that you have gone in a different direction to your husband, but bear in mind that you may encounter something on your path that will make you want to run back towards your man. It is as likely as anything else.

Other than that. Yes I think, from what you said in the above entry that you at the beginning of the end. Now the question is what are you gonna do about it? Is there anything worth saving or is it all a big fuck up? Do you want to get back to where you were or would happiness return if you changed a few things in the relationship? Or do you just want to get away?

I generally do not think that you should spend more time thinking too much about this though. You have done enough thinking and know that things are not correct. That is as much as you need to know for the moment, the issue of whether the marriage is over will be settled with time. Therefore you should now think how you are gonna execute that change. Sitting there worrying about whether this is the correct thing to do or not will not help at all, it will just get you deeper into that negativity that you have bedded down with too much recently.

Whatever the answer to these questions the thing you have to do is sit down and talk to the husband. You do not need to tell him everything you have told us, indeed to do so would be a bad thing. But he does need to know the bare bones of the situation. Then you and him can talk about the options.

The quick answer: you cannot remain static if you are not happy. Now do yourself and him a favour make sure that the problem is what you think it is and if it is then act. But be sure that you are fixing the correct problem.

Remember if you have ask yourself is something is working that is usually an indication that it is not, if it were then the question would not be relevent. Will you ever know if you made the correct choice? Yes but only with time. Right now just be kind to yourself and act in a way that allows you to look your parents in the eye and justifies their pride. You are cool man, you are doing better than you think.


rm_ohsolustful 59M
859 posts
4/5/2006 9:34 am

Tough question!!! The answer lies in your heart. Try not to be so hard on yourself or Him. You are both going through rough times right now. Talk it out, communicate your fears and concerns to Him. If it was meant to be, things will work out and you will both work as a team and get through it. He must have some great attributes if you even married him to begin with, so give it a chance, try and be supportive, and remember I doubt if you could possibely have been a better person before, You have grown into the wonderful lady you are now and I doubt you went backward to do that, Try and smile, lots of laughter helps too, sounds like it's time for a getaway weekend for the two of you. Best wishes and regards to both of you....


shispook 48F

4/5/2006 11:49 am

I aint read any of this, just wanna stick me oar in and say

OI LOIKE yer pic on this post...

I won;t go into why I like it, but if I mail ye with me addy will you send it to me?

Or even give me pointers to the site on the web....

Best Regards

Shi


shispook 48F

4/5/2006 11:50 am

Oh and good luck with whatever it is xxx


rm_Synn74 43F
1206 posts
4/7/2006 2:43 pm

I see alot of myself in you...
But as we both know only we can answer our own hearts
I like you love my husband but I do not like the person I have become during my 7 yr marriage... only I can change the direction...

remember you're not alone



I welcome you to the House of Syn...


Become a member to create a blog