Diary of a Mad Women  

SilkenKiera 39F   
393 posts
3/27/2006 12:10 pm

Last Read:
4/17/2006 9:20 am

Diary of a Mad Women

Today is the very type of day that most people try their hardest to avoid. Most people put into terms such as crawling back under the covers. This weekend I've been battling my inner demons as well as trying to kick an inner ear infection. An ear infection accompanied by vertigo, for extra fun. I know that I'm moody and I can be complicated sometimes, but how I'm feeling now is something I haven't felt before, yet it has a familiar tone. Truth is, shitty days are usually the bastard child of a shitty weekend. Have a good weekend and Monday is a walk in the park. Have a shitty weekend, and Monday you want to walk a short plank into deep waters. I'll let you guess what kind of weekend I had.

The more pressing issue that I have is more of an inner problem. You know, the same old thing, who am I? Where am I going? What to I project to the world? I can tell you that this has always been a problem of mine, one that I have never really resolved. I need to come to terms with my self so that I can move on. It's paralyzing me, and making me indecisive. I know that I have joked here on my blog about how proper I can act from 9-5 and after six I'm a freak. I'm starting to get to the point where I am so over me. If you all will indulge me this, I need to dump my brain out for a minute;

My Karma is shot, my depression is starting to kick in for no reason, I'm complacent with my job, my mother irritates me when she never did before, I still haven't paid my Visa bill in full, I'm liking the Vodka a little too much, the pills for my ear infection aren’t working, the heat in my apartment only comes on when it's warm out, I haven't figured out if I like the Carmel highlights my stylist gave me, that cost me $170.00, I thought I would be more powerful by now, I thought I would be wealthier by now, I thought I would have a house by now, I thought I would have my grad degree by now, I want to buy a brownstone today, tomorrow I'll want a farm, I keep thinking about my ex, both of them, I was in shock when I stepped on the scale at the doctors on Friday, I feel like my life is not in order, I'm too old not to have order, I'm too young to really worry about it, I never switched my 401K, from my former employer, I want to lash out at everyone, I may still owe state taxes from last year, I can't remember, I don't want to complain anymore, I'm wasting my energy.

The list above represents 1 /100th of what is actually in my head today, or everyday to be honest. Like I have said before, I wish I was less intelligent, more naive. Naive people are happy, not only don't they care, they don't know that they are supposed to care. Give me strength

TrapsTomesSteed 43M
202 posts
3/27/2006 1:36 pm

"We all come to cornerstones in our life that we sit back and take stock of where we've been and where we are going.
For some, it's defeating and for others, it's a challenge."

ShayeDK hit the nail on the head. It's a very true and appropriate statement. Sooner or later we all pause, assess where we've been, where we're going, and how fast we're getting there. I can only encourage you to take it as a challenge and not let it become self-defeating.

Everyone is different, but here's what I do when I feel like things are starting to spin out of control. First I clear my head, if only briefly. Most people have "stuff" they do that totally takes their mind off of just about everything. For me it can be anything from a video game to a round of golf. Then I treat it like work, believe it or not. I'm an engineer - a problem solver by nature. I take the first thought that comes along that's nagging me, and I fix it. Is everything an easy fix? Of course not. But if you start with the more easy, controllable tasks, it gives a sense of accomplishment and progress, and de-clutters your mind for the more difficult ones.

Will this work for you? Maybe, maybe not. But you really sound like a very bright girl and I'm sure you'll find what works for you. Just dig your heels in and use that brain. Don't wish you didn't have one.

SilkenKiera 39F  

3/28/2006 10:52 am

~ ShayeDK
~ zomgz

You are both very right. Looking back over this post with a good night's sleep behind me, I can see my impulsiveness. For me it's hard because I see so many people that seem to have it all together. Not so much monitarily, more like inner peace. Everyone has troubles I know but everyone seems to me to handle them better than I do.

In time I know that I will hit my stride, I have in the past. However, I will always need friends like you to set me straight!!


TrapsTomesSteed 43M
202 posts
3/28/2006 5:32 pm

Glad a rested mind helped you regain some focus.

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