Some people are just sick....  

SigEp4U 43M
112 posts
3/7/2005 8:35 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Some people are just sick....

Well yesterday was another one of those days where it makes you wonder WTF? No… it’s something different this time… it has nothing to do with my wife… and in a way nothing to do with me. When I say nothing to do with me, I mean that this is not my problem… I can walk away from it so to speak, but it has definitely touched me.

Before I began talking about this though I want everyone to know that normally I am pretty non-judgmental about people and how they choose to live their lives… each to their own… so to speak. With that being said, I do not know if I can write about this subject without being judgmental. I really hope I can do justice to my feelings in writing about this.

My wife and I have been helping troubled teens for quite some time… it was just a calling for us so to speak. It wasn't anything really formal at first… just a teenager in the community that needed help and that we felt sorry for. One thing led to another and by the time of my wife's affair it was not unusual to have ten or twelve teenagers in our house coming or going. If they needed a place to stay for the night… there was always a bed open… if not they were welcome to the floor. I guess things just sorta spread by word of mouth, one teenager talked to a friend who was in the same sort of situation, so on and so forth. Free food… always something to do… a place to get away from it all… it must have seemed like a dream come true for some of the kids.

Why did we do it? I don't know… my best guess is that we were crazy… but in a way it was a real blast.

Having a house full of teenagers that have an endless supply of energy can keep anyone young at heart. On top of that we formed real bonds with some… no, that's not right… with all of the kids that came and went. Each one had their own personal demons… and our house was just a place that they could come and get away from it all. Of course the parents were always notified when their kid showed up on our doorstep… that was just one of our rules.

The sad thing was it seemed as if most of the parents were all too happy to have their child gone. Some of the kids would actually stay for a week at a time and I do not believe the parents would have cared if it was a month.

With my wife's affair however, all of this came to a screeching stop… how could we provide stability for these kids when we couldn't even provide it for ourselves. The kids took it very hard and in fact some of them are still having a hard time dealing with it. They ask all the time how we are doing, if we are making any improvements and when they can start coming around again.

That is just background so that you can understand how some of the things that happened yesterday came about.

My wife was gone yesterday… so I was home alone with my son. The doorbell rang about 11:00 AM and I went to answer the door. As I got to the door I saw a car pulling out of our driveway and leaving. Standing in the doorway was one of the girls that I had come to grow very fond of over the last two years… in fact she is probably my favorite.

She is a very beautiful girl… I am sure that all of the guys in her class have a crush on her. Despite her circumstances she is normally full of life… she is on the varsity cheerleading squad and has the personality to match it.

As soon as this girl came through the door, before her ride had even gotten all of the way out the driveway… she burst into tears and just grabbed me and held on. I didn't have a clue about what was going on… so I just held her for a little bit. She finally calmed down enough for me to ask her what was going on.

She was quick to open up… and since I knew a lot about her history it didn't take me long to start asking the right questions.

When this girl was eight years old… she was kidnapped and molested. When this girl was fourteen, her dad was arrested and convicted for molesting her little sister. That was two years ago, she is now sixteen going on seventeen. Her dad is still in jail

This girl lives with her mother and her step dad. Every time that the girls grandmother, her dad's mom, takes her to see her father in prison her mom throws a fit. Yelling at this girl for even wanting to go see her father… especially after what he did to her sister. This girl is torn between her loyalty to her mom and her love for her father. She still loves her father in spite of everything that he has done… which is understandable.

On Saturday this girl was suppose to go visit her dad in jail and her mom refused to let her go…

I brought the girl into our living room and I sat down on the loveseat. She asked me if I would hold her and I said sure. She sat down beside me and just wrapped her arms around me and cried. My son could tell that something was wrong and he climbed up into my lap. I finally got her calmed down enough to talk and she scared the crap out of me… she said, "I have issues"

I said, "I know" as I thought she was referring to everything that was going on in her life…

She said, "No, you don't understand" and she rolled up the sleeve of her sweater and there were cuts all up and down her wrist. She told me that she was so upset about everything on Saturday night that she wanted to hurt herself… it wasn't that she really wanted to die… she just wanted a way to let the pain out. So she had taken a straight razor and cut herself.

I know some of you probably won't understand this… but I can relate. I know how it feels to have so much pain and frustration built up inside of oneself… and then not know how to express the pain.

We talked most of the afternoon… and she got to the point where I had her laughing about everything. She slept on our couch last night, and this morning I took her to school. I also told her I was going to call her counselor and set up a new appointment. She needs to talk to someone who knows a lot more about how to deal with this kind of stuff then what I do… I am just a soft shoulder to cry on.

All of this is leading up to what I really want to talk about, what I thought about all last night and what is still on my mind….

Out of fifteen girls that were staying with us on a semi-regular basis… nine of them had been sexually abused. Statistically speaking, in the United States, one out of every four girls will be sexually molested before they turn eighteen.

Now I am not talking about consensual relationships, because I realize that sex between a sixteen year old girl, and a twenty-five year old man happens consensually all of the time. I am not condoning that, but just saying that I recognize the difference. What I am talking about is sexual contact by force, manipulation or intimidation.

It is sickening… I have seen what the long term affects are. My heart aces for these girls. How can a girl, like the one that I comforted yesterday, have any clue about how a man should treat a woman. To her… sex is something that a man takes because he is stronger and because he has physical needs that demand a release.

I have also seen how this goes a long way towards making these girls feel as if they must perform in order to maintain the love that they desire from the person sexually abusing them… which carries on over into their dating relationships.

I have seen how this makes them feel… that if they don’t put out for their new boyfriend… that the boyfriend will just leave and not love them. That the only way that they can be loved is if they meet their boyfriend’s so called needs. That’s a bunch of bullshit. What about these girls needs…

For the girl that I talked to yesterday… sex is not about love or about her desires. It is about force… and someone else's need. I do believe that this girl can learn to work through the problems that this sexual abuse has brought upon her. At the same time I also believe that deep down at the core level it will affect her to such a degree that it will always color how she looks at men, relationships, and even herself…

I am afraid that it will affect her for the rest of her life.

To see these girls and to know how bad they have been warped ticks me off to no end. It's not fair, it's not right… and there is nothing that I can do about it. The only thing that I can do now is try to be there for them. Of course this is hard to do now because of my marital situation. In general I just try to be their friend. I try to reassure them that they are special and that they do deserve the love that they so desperately want.

I know that this sounds funny/perverted… a thirty year old man… friends with a sixteen year old girl… but I really do look at these kids as if they were my friends… or maybe I see them as if they were my kids… all I know is that I have a lot of love for all of them.

Something else I know… I might not have been there to prevent anything from happening to them in the past… I might not be there to prevent something from happening to them in the future… but so help me if I ever catch anyone in the process of actively hurting one of my girls… there is going to be hell to pay.

This is where the judgmental aspect comes into play… I have absolutely no use for anyone that can willfully hurt a child in this manner… they should be castrated.

Pissed, twisted and bent…

SigEp4U


rm_greedycat2 65F
46 posts
3/8/2005 12:49 am

Oh how I wish there were people like you in my little grandaughters life....at 9yrs old her father abused her or rather started to groom her on her access visits...thank god my daughter had told her she must tell if she was touched in inappropriate places...and that she was brave enough to tell...its destroyed her faith and trust pretty much for everyone...she has become unruly defiant and so so hard to cope with..but we love her and continue as a family to try our very best to help her...we've had no proffesional help for and boy have we tried to find some...I have nothing but total respect and admiration for what you do for those youngsters


CoolbyR 41M

3/8/2005 4:19 am

Hey dude,

I feel a little gay even posting on another guys blog. I'm not. I just was touched by your story.

I cant believe your wife could've had an affair, you sound like the nicest guy in the world. I wonder sometimes if being that way, it can take away a feeling of achievement for women. They feel if the guy is too nice they don't have to fight for that mans love and affection. Its that feeling of wanting the unobtainable, the grass is always greener, etc. Hope you can sort out your own problems mate you sound like a real top bloke.

Really sad to hear about the girls your looking out for. It helps you put into pespective your own problems when reading about such horrific stories.

Ok I'm gonna leave it there and stop being gay, but just felt the need to say - Nice one.

Will leave you to the female company you probably came on this site for. lol

Colby (who is not gay, Lol)


SigEp4U 43M

3/8/2005 2:08 pm

greedycat2... how old is your granddaughter now? Having a lot of family/social issues is pretty common for the girls that have been sexually abused... that I have been around. Not all of them of course... some get supper withdrawn... takes a jackhammer to coax them out of their shell.

CoolbyR... you absolutly cracked me up..."Colby (who is not gay, Lol)"... I believe you! Feel free to post on here anytime that you want... I promise I won't hit on you.

SigEp4U (who is not gay)... by the way if you are... and you like me... let me know... I'll take it as a compliment.


rm_sapphire71 46F
53 posts
3/8/2005 8:25 pm

I'm thinking............Colby is gay! What do you guys think????

Sorry. Couldn't resist!!! Just kidding! Made me laugh at how concerned he was about not coming off that way! Even if he were...it wouldn't matter.


rm_greedycat2 65F
46 posts
3/9/2005 12:04 am

my grandaughters 12 now 13 this october...she's not in a shell thats for sure....she now knows far too much about things she shouldnt...she also tells everyone she meets about her father even tells them his name and address...i think its because he wasnt punished...it went to civil court..he was found guilty of 3 counts of sexual abuse but because its civil he walks the same streets as she does still.


SigEp4U 43M

3/9/2005 8:14 am

Sounds... like she still has a lot of anger built up inside of her that hasn't found a way out yet. Trust me it will... one way or another... I am sure you know this already but you need to try to get her to let loose of it in a constructive way... don't know what she likes but something physical that she can focus her anger on is best.

If not the anger is going to come out in other forms... self abuse, etc... not good.

Look forward to chatting with you,

SigEp4U


rm_sheree73 44F
45 posts
3/9/2005 5:02 pm

You know its just not fair! Men can sit there and say they are lesbians trapped in a mans body but women cant....wait. WE CAN!!!!!!!

Sig..I'm "gay" trapped in a womans body. I think you're hot! *drools*

*chuckles* um..You are hot btw..lol that part is true *grins*

On a serious note, I applaud you again for your unselfish acts. Its great to hear all you do to help these kids in your community. You are a blessing no doubt.

Hugs Sweets,
~Sheree73


SigEp4U 43M

3/10/2005 7:13 am

Sheree... I don't know what you've been smoking... but I gotta get me some!

LoL

SigEp4U...


Venus107 50F
156 posts
3/14/2005 7:18 pm

Sig- those kids are very lucky to have you. I ,myself, once kept a housefull of teenagers. I have a 20 yr old son and his friends were forever staying over. I had rules set for them and as long as they were followed all went well. 1) No sex in my home.This taught them self control as well as respect for each other. 2) if theywere going to drink (which give me abreak teens are going to try this out) I was to be at home and their parents were told about it before hand. If the parents minded then those kids were not allowed to participate. This in turn has taught those kids that they should have respect for their parents as well as thenselves.3) No fighting- lets face it when you get a huge group of kids together- someone is bound to disagree. So it started as a rule and out of respect for me they all followed these rules.
I am proud to say all of these kids have graduated and have gone on to colleges- no drunken accidents claimed any of my kids- no unplanned children- and no low self esteem has hit any of my kids as of yet. Out of 12 kids only 3 are females, yet to this day they all call me during vacations- and even though some ar in college they still use a fishbowl for carkeys during parties. I am very lucky to have been blessed with 14 kids haha. 2 that actually came from me and the others came to my heart later. I know exactly how you feel Sig, I would surely do my best to rip the heart out of anyone trying to hurt one of my kids. You have such a big heart and I wish you many blessings in dealing with these young adults- what you teach them surely lasts a lifetime. Thank you for careing for these kids when others gave up on them.


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