For Her  

ShyWhisper2006 54F
8597 posts
7/31/2006 6:31 am
For Her

My heart aches today
it is missing something that no one can replace...no one
I wish someone could because it hurt likes hell
It is her birthday today...
and I cannot wish her anything
I cannot promise to get along with my siblings
i cannot smile at her
I cannot call her
I cannot hug her
I cannot see her soft eyes look back at me
I cannot hear her soothing voice to ease my fears
I cannot buy or send a card
I cannot even buy her a cheesy gift

I once gave her the number of carnations that equaled my age ...the florist loved me
She asked what the significance was of the odd number...37
I replied that it was the number of years that I was able to be here because of her and that if she had not been born...I would not exist
She smiled and wiped a tear from her face and gave me a hug that I wish I could feel right now

She would be able to tell me something to make me feel better right now ...I just know she would
She was always good at that...no matter the time or the day..no matter what she was doing...she always said something that was right for the moment

I look like her...so much so that I think it is why my siblings avoid me ...
I was recently told I sound like her as well...it is an honor to have that.

When anyone mentioned how much we looked alike...she would say.."Oh heavenly days"...or "God forbid I hope I am the prettier of the two"
and she was...

She once told me I was strong..that she would not have been able to do what I was having to do...(I was helping my teenage daughter deal with the death of her twin sons)
She was the strong one...she was always the strong one.

Time and her health were making her change right before my eyes...and I hated it...
I hated what it was doing to her...she didn't deserve that.

She could be silly and make me laugh anytime and anyplace...
She would have to only squeeze my hand a certain way and I knew what she was feeling or thinking.

I know she loved me...I know she did the best that she was able to do for me and my siblings...she instilled in me many of the things that I am so proud to have been given...respect
...compassion...and generosity to others...and love for family

I know the boulder on my chest will lessen in time....
I know eventually the tears will dry
I know i will never forget her
I know she will always be a part of me and my life
I know all this..and yet...it hurts like hell
I know more first holidays and events will be coming and each year the pain may lessen more....but right now....the tears flow unhindered
I dreaded this day and yet..I knew it was coming...
I stayed awake all night to make myself so tired that perhaps I would sleep away the whole day and not feel like this....
....its not working

What makes it a lil harder is that there is no significant other...there is no friend nearby...there is no one to wrap me in their arms to tell me to just cry as long as I want to and
make me feel safe.

She would probably tell me..."Why look where you don't need to...all you need is in yourself"

Most likely true...perhaps what I need to do...but the boulder on my chest that is crushing all light and happiness from me is not budging....it doesn't seem to understand logic and common sense...it lacks the skills
The lump in my throat is not easing ...the tears are not stopping ...the reservoirs seem endless for some reason.

How much can a heart take really...it feels like fine glass about to shatter...or is as tough and strong as a diamond...one that was passed down from her...

I will get through this day alone ...and I will go on...
I will go on...because of ...and for her

She would have wanted me to

I will remember holding her hand as they took blood from her and feeling her hand shake and trying not to show my fear and anger at the constant hurt she was feeling

I will remember bringing her a hot chocolate because she so dearly wanted one that day...and seeing the smile and the childlike joy on her face as she held the warm cup and took that first sweet sip.
I will remember her insistence that I go home to my family and not worry about her

I will remember ....her

I will remember that was strong and kind and loving and so independent...raising 4 daughters amid such hardships and doing so without complaint

I will remember ..that I was loved...unconditionally

Happy Birthday Mom...I miss you



AstirRelicLatah 66M
1993 posts
7/31/2006 7:38 am

Lovely, lovely, lovely, ((((hugs)))). Must be a gone Mom sort of day. There's another John Denver song that comes to mind when I think of my mother....You can borrow it if you like. I posted the lyrics. You can find it at What one man can do.

Give yourself a hug and think of how much better the world is because your Mom existed. The often helps me, hope it helps you.


imaxtoy 34M
1289 posts
7/31/2006 8:00 am

*hugs soooo tight* Your mother sounded like a great woman. You should know that she has put herself into you. You carry her wisdom. You carry a part of her. In that sense, she will always be with you. *another big hug*

imax, the toyed


rm_Mellowcanuck 42M

7/31/2006 8:52 am

Oh you never forget. The face may blur when you dont see a picture for a while. But if anything you remember even more. Thats how you deal with it. Thats how you get by. The grief turns to strength because you rememebr the lessons, the wisdom and you make it your own.

It may take years, sooner or later you will be able to look back and smile and not have tears well up. But you never forget.


rm_aboutme66 53F
6047 posts
7/31/2006 9:10 am

I am so sorry for the loss.

Donna
Someday is today.


rm_blue061245 72M
331 posts
7/31/2006 3:02 pm

As I wrote about an earlier post of yours - if I were there I would wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug.

I can not do it at long distance, but I will next time I am near you.

It will not make the loss any less, but it might help you to accept it. The loss of a parent can be a cruel thing, but if that parent has done his/her job well, we will have the strength and the independence needed to carry on with our lives. Ultimately, the job of the parent is to prepare the child for independence.


rm_goddess1946 107F
13518 posts
7/31/2006 9:58 pm

this was a heartfelt post..
thank you for sharing this side of you with us..


Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


SirMounts 104M

8/1/2006 4:49 am

shy...
I know that she must have been a wonderful woman, to have such a wonderful daughter such as you. *gentle hug*


TonyPlays 65M

8/1/2006 11:01 pm

Hopefully, it some small way, your sharing your story when all the readers here can help to comfort you.

Hugs.


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 12:48 am

    Quoting AstirRelicLatah:
    Lovely, lovely, lovely, ((((hugs)))). Must be a gone Mom sort of day. There's another John Denver song that comes to mind when I think of my mother....You can borrow it if you like. I posted the lyrics. You can find it at What one man can do.

    Give yourself a hug and think of how much better the world is because your Mom existed. The often helps me, hope it helps you.
Skier....thank you


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 12:48 am

thank you


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 12:50 am

    Quoting imaxtoy:
    *hugs soooo tight* Your mother sounded like a great woman. You should know that she has put herself into you. You carry her wisdom. You carry a part of her. In that sense, she will always be with you. *another big hug*
imaxtoy....*smiles* thank you for the hugs


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 12:51 am

    Quoting rm_Mellowcanuck:
    Oh you never forget. The face may blur when you dont see a picture for a while. But if anything you remember even more. Thats how you deal with it. Thats how you get by. The grief turns to strength because you rememebr the lessons, the wisdom and you make it your own.

    It may take years, sooner or later you will be able to look back and smile and not have tears well up. But you never forget.
*nods* no I will never forget...thank you


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 12:52 am

Thank you so much aboutme66...it means alot...thank you for visiting my blog


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 12:55 am

    Quoting rm_blue061245:
    As I wrote about an earlier post of yours - if I were there I would wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug.

    I can not do it at long distance, but I will next time I am near you.

    It will not make the loss any less, but it might help you to accept it. The loss of a parent can be a cruel thing, but if that parent has done his/her job well, we will have the strength and the independence needed to carry on with our lives. Ultimately, the job of the parent is to prepare the child for independence.
blue...thank you...i apologize...words escape me


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 12:57 am

    Quoting Wordsmith2004:
    Awww

    at least you have happy memories to keep you company....

    now if you'll excuse me...

    bolts off to go call HIS Mom!!
Wordsmith...*smiles*...yes I do...and you are excused to do so as often as you like...thank you for visiting my blog


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 1:02 am

    Quoting spunky11961:
    You've really touched me with your words...I'm the care giver to my mom and it won't be long I'm afraid...just lost dad a year and a half back~ your words are special to me here~
    ~sorry for your loss,know how you feel~
    ~spunky
spunky...*hugs*...shower her with love...it helps...it did for me ...thank you


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 1:09 am

    Quoting rm_goddess1946:
    this was a heartfelt post..
    thank you for sharing this side of you with us..
Goddess...You are most welcome...thank you for visiting my blog *smiles*


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 1:16 am

    Quoting SirMounts:
    shy...
    I know that she must have been a wonderful woman, to have such a wonderful daughter such as you. *gentle hug*
*smiles* Thank you for the sweet sentiment SirMounts...


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 1:27 am

    Quoting shyvixen1962:
    *soft hugs* I am sorry for your loss ~ may sweet memories comfort you

    peace and healing
    shy
shyvixen...Thank you so much for your kind words...it will not be forgotten...*hugs*


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/2/2006 1:38 am

    Quoting TonyPlays:
    Hopefully, it some small way, your sharing your story when all the readers here can help to comfort you.

    Hugs.
Tonyplays...Thank you for your kindness and thank you for visiting my blog...


PixieKittySC 62F  
1445 posts
8/3/2006 10:49 am

Shy as I read your blog it brought tears to my eyes. Having lost my grandmother just a month ago I have an idea of how you're feeling...I miss her so much.

Just before my grandmother passed away she told my mom that she wanted no one to cry for her, that she would be in the place she wanted to be, and that she'd be with my grandfather once again.

It's so hard not to cry and when I do find myself in tears I remember that although my heart is broken and I miss her so much, my grandmother is now in a much better place, that she's no longer suffering and she's happy once again.

Here's a hug for you my friend *Hug*

Pixie


SirMounts 104M

8/3/2006 1:21 pm

shy...
Always. *smiling*


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/4/2006 12:00 am

    Quoting PixieKittySC:
    Shy as I read your blog it brought tears to my eyes. Having lost my grandmother just a month ago I have an idea of how you're feeling...I miss her so much.

    Just before my grandmother passed away she told my mom that she wanted no one to cry for her, that she would be in the place she wanted to be, and that she'd be with my grandfather once again.

    It's so hard not to cry and when I do find myself in tears I remember that although my heart is broken and I miss her so much, my grandmother is now in a much better place, that she's no longer suffering and she's happy once again.

    Here's a hug for you my friend *Hug*

    Pixie
Pixie...*warm hugs*...I am sorry to hear of your loss...thank you my friend *smiles*


ShyWhisper2006 54F
15175 posts
8/4/2006 12:07 am

Sir..Thank you


2meets2 60M/61F

1/27/2007 3:47 am

i know you heard the "SIGH" when i finished this piece.

good luck to you

the cunning linguist


ShyWhisper2006 replies on 1/27/2007 4:17 am:
Welcome 2meet2...I appreciate you reading and enjoying my writing..it means alot to me *smiles*

doingit1946 72M

4/6/2007 1:26 pm

-Happy Easter - I enjoy your way of saying things - thanks for the words of encouragement regarding the loss of my friend, Mr Prostate


ShyWhisper2006 replies on 4/6/2007 4:33 pm:
*smiles*....Happy Easter to you as well doingit...and your most welcome...
Welcome to my blog *hugs*

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