What a crappy day....  

Shameless_Biotch 50F
177 posts
6/24/2006 4:57 pm

Last Read:
7/3/2006 3:03 am

What a crappy day....

Well, I had intended this to be a happy, upbeat blog about what today means to me....it is our 6th wedding anniversary.But I made a phone call that changed all that....to my 14 year old daughter.
She is in that "brain damaged" part of growing up where all adults are stupid, superfluous,and downright unnecessary,and since she has been raised mostly by her dad, and I have been in another state most of her life, I am now the root of all evil, seems I am to blame, in her world, for everything that has ever gone wrong, and everything that hasn't gone her way is my fault.It is hard to "be the adult" and rise above the negative, transient emotions, to stay in touch with someone who doesn't want to talk to you.
When she was younger, there always seemed to be enough time to "catch up", to get to know her, but over the last year or so, it seems the hormones have taken over,she hasn't been returning my phone calls or emails, and is quite angry and blaming when she does.It is difficult to know what to do. Noone wants to try try try to get to know someone who flat out refuses to talk and respond, but she is my daughter, my only child, and I feel I have a responsibility. I know, after today's little tirade, that it is going to be an uphill battle.I had no idea how much anger she has.

I got pregnant with her during a very turbulent time in my life. Her father was just a fuck buddy of mine, no real relationship, and we were not even "going out" with each other when she was concieved...then, when she was four, I went to another city to go to school, and she went to go live with her dad, temporarily....the "temporarily" turned into 10 years.
My daughter was supposed to come visit us when we lived in Idaho, to see if she wanted to come live there with us. I remember being awakened at about 5 am on the morning she was to have been flying up from LAX, by a phone call from my husband that said, "turn on the TV, someone just flew into the World Trade Center."......yes, that was how 9-11 affected my family.All flights were grounded that day,if you will recall. Needless to say, she never came to visit us, as we moved to Georgia a few months later.
Ever since then, she has been more and more distant, being rude to me and her grandparents, teachers and anyone in authority...and messing up in school now....she just barely sqeeked by and graduated 8th grade, got caught more than once smoking cigarettes at school, her teachers all say how bright and sweet and funny she is, but won't apply herself, and gets bad marks for citizenship and effort.I have no idea if I was there, everyday, if her attitude or behavior would have been any different.But I like to think it would have been.

Now, I look to the future, and I see a battle field between us...I am wondering if I can "gird my loins" enough to get thru this, with a minimum of damage to her and I and our relationship. I want to respect her feelings, of anger, abandonment, fear, but I also am not going to just "leave her alone and not talk to her" as she keeps screaming....
Where is the happy medium? Is there one with a teenager?

lifeisablast333 55M

6/24/2006 9:26 pm

Well good luck with that....from a father of five.....the Redneck

phoenix639 50F

6/25/2006 12:07 am

A happy medium. Cant say there will always be a happy medium.

Im lucky with my daughter really...except for a few episodes of her going off the rails.

It all boils down to communication.

Your situation is made more difficult due to you living away from her & she most likely is one of very few of her peers who doesnt live with her mum. Many will say things to her to give her food for thought....which could be making 2 + 2 equalling 5.

She is now a young lady & will be looking for her direction in life, school, boys, what college, what career to aim for. The all important questions of that age...why am i here.

You can only do what you deem is best for her, which is never give up & always have your arms open.

Good luck hun.

rm_drumminchick 53M/43F
1 post
6/25/2006 2:20 pm

I understand where you are at. My first wife divorced me (for good cause....I was an ass) when my elder daughter was very young. I was out of touch for several years during my "I sure do miss her but she is better off without me" phase of things and it has only been over the past few years that I have become a meaningful part of her life again.

In the mean time, I have remarried and I have 3 children in this marriage. So, you can see that the dynamic can get a little complicated.

I have seen the battle field that you mention and its harsh. My daughter is a very strong willed young woman and she has a lot of resentlemtn for me that we are working through now.

We went through the phase where I had no right to an oppinion on anything that she is doing (it was boys.......fortunately she is a good student and is off to college this fall).

Her mother is very over protective and so, naturally, her interest in boys is just that much more accute......worst thing is that she lives outside of a major military base full of horny GI's...

The long and short of it is that all you can do is try to be a parent first. I tried to be a friend to her since I fugured I had squandered my fatherly powers but I was wrong......in point of fact, what she wanted, more than anything else, was a father........me.

Its a tough row to hoe but the crop is well worth the toil.

Good luck (and accept my invite

Nightguy_1961 56M
4866 posts
6/25/2006 10:05 pm

My Shameless friend,

The only advice I can give you is what people have advised me to do in dealing with my own 'family' situation.

Be the best example you can be for your child...period. Eventually, that time will come when your daughter will look to you and think, "Gee, that's what I want to be like." It won't happen overnight or in a week or even a year. But just try...

Mark Twain said it best, "When I was 18, I thought my father was the most ignorant man on the face of the earth. When I turned 28, I was amazed at how much my father had learned in 10 short years." Get the idea?

Just my humble viewpoint...

NG61...slipping back into the shadows...

Nightguy_1961 56M
4866 posts
6/25/2006 10:05 pm

And btw....

Happy Anniversary!!!!!

Shameless_Biotch 50F

6/26/2006 12:23 am

TY for all the great comments, y'all.......it helps to know I am not alone in this crazy world of teenagers!I am talking with a counselor friend of mine about this, and thinking thru a lot of stuff!!
Too bad they didn't come with instruction books!!LOL
Doing better!!

Your Shameless Friend

rm_underworld36 48M

6/26/2006 7:04 am

I have a daughter that hass out me thru some of the same grief. and Her mother and I a very close and we both experience the same problem. the easiest way I have found to deal with her was to think back about how I was treated at that age, go the there level and then build them up to yours. You must first find a common ground you can both stand on as equals.Try being a friend first and a parent later

rm_shannee2006 53F
3355 posts
6/26/2006 6:28 pm

Happy Anniversary. I think that miracles can happen with kids. It will turn out okay in the end. Just love her and keep being there for her.

Yup...this juiciness is from me....


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