Shortcomings pt. 2  

SexxxyLicious28 33F
112 posts
9/7/2006 10:20 pm

Last Read:
9/16/2006 7:59 pm

Shortcomings pt. 2

Ok this'll be my last post I promise! This is in regards to my previous post, shortcomings. A couple posts back I talked about a date I went on where I fell asleep and the guy ended up pissin' me off. It was because of a few shortcomings that I have. Three years ago I started getting sick and the doctors had no clue why. They thought that I was making it up, that it was all in my head, and put me on zoloft. The whole ordeal made me depressed, knowing that something was wrong with me but no one would listen to me and take me seriously. I switched doctors when I realized, along with my family, that I could not get out of bed over christmas break because I was in so much pain. I switched to a doctor who actually listened to me, gave me my third operation and finally told me the cause of it all. It's a disease that is lifelong, has no cure, and can cause infertility. Ever since I've been diagnosed I seem to be gettin worse and worse. So, consequently, I'm getting more and more depressed and thus am on zoloft not only for the "pain" but also for depression.

Well, having to deal with the possibility that having children, something that I've always dreamed of, may only be just that, a dream, is devastating. Well on this date, the guy asked why I smoked cigarettes. I said well I've only started back up recently since I quit taking my meds. He asked why and I told him the whole ordeal. His response, you don't need to be on antidepressants. Excuse me? Mind you this our first date. I said what do you mean. He says that I'm on them only because I am dependent on them. I correct him and say that when I go off, I don't feel like myself. He repeats that I'm dependent. I've tried numerous times to get off the meds and be a "normal person" (whatever that means). But when I do, I fall deeper into depression than the time before. I get really irritable (which is not like me), sleep a lot, don't want to be bothered with people, think really violent thoughts (that scare the shit outta me), and consider different ways to commit suicide, but I left that part out. He claims that he knows how it is to be depressed. He tells me his story... about how he didn't fit in in high school.

Who ever fits in in high school? No one I know. He says he had to go to counseling and took antidepressants but got off them because he found that he can be strong and not take them anymore. He read a self-help book and he's better.

Come again?

Not fitting in in high school has NOTHING TO DO WITH the possibility of never having children. Considering that our society views the ability of having children as a definition of being a woman. But you know everyone's situation is different. I don't wanna say that my situation is worse than his or what not but it's two totally different topics. Hm... so this brings back the question of who will want me with all my shortcomings. I'm clinically depressed, take welbutrin for it (zoloft had too many sexual side effects ha ha), and has a disease that can last for the rest of my life. Actually, the only solution that doctors came up with is: A-have children because it can possibly alleviate the symptoms (but sometimes it can make it worse or B-have a hysterectomy. I choose neither. I have a friend who's a year younger than me, has the same disease, and has had a hysterectomy. Luckily she has two kids but still, it's kinda earth shattering to go through somethin like this.

I've been doing a lot better since I've been diagnosed and thought I had a good handle on myself before this asshole. I'm taking medicine to manage the pain and hopefully slow down the spreading of the disease and I go to therapy. Which has helped alot. My mom even offered to have my kids just in case I can't have any. I was a little shocked but very happy. But still I wonder, will I find someone that will accept all of my shortcomings? Does anyone else wonder the same?

Damn I really need to get some more happier posts up... this is a little sad and depressing. ha ha

blackleather2006 52M/50F

9/8/2006 8:18 pm

When I've had a really bad day and get depressed I come here where the friends are You're in my thoughts sweetie - I can't imagine what you are going through and know it would be very hard if I didn't have my girls - As Huny says - hang in there!

quixotic4me 43M
11 posts
9/10/2006 5:20 am

Keep your head up baby, I know someone with a simular situation. Don't let that keep you down.

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