There was something else on the hard drive...  

Seriously_Real 49M
1458 posts
5/1/2006 5:45 pm

Last Read:
5/4/2006 6:55 pm

There was something else on the hard drive...

You know, sometimes I just gotta say some things that the Hole in the Screen makes me say. This is one of those times.

There's a woman in my past -- its been months, but seems like years -- who crushed me. My ecstasy and agony was very public on these blogs back in the day. I got over her in a very real sense about three months ago. (Yeah, I know. But alot changes in three months, too, so don't argue with me about it.)

I dismantled the Memory Machine that tormented me. I put it all into sobering perspective (because the time I was with her was a bender as real as anything Hunter S. Thompson could have dreamed). I moved on, changed, transformed, and grew stronger by the day, and continue to do so.

So how strange is it, then, that in the past few days I should be bombarded by silly little reminders of things -- "Her" name is still everywhere around me, but I've noticed it more, for example. I have a song bouncing around in my head that is almost finished, and it is a song about "Her" (yes, My Sweetie knows and has heard it already -- don't worry, it isn't a pining-away-for-you song).

And today, in the mystery-cache on my hard drive, I saw "Her" face. A photo of "Her." The only face photo I ever got from "Her." It was, to say the least, like seeing a ghost. Couple that with my nostalgia jag I've been on, and it seems that something in the universe is telling me to remember something.

I have learned to pay attention to such things.

For now, I believe it is important that I tell you what I remember, and see if the Hole will be satisfied:

I remember falling completely lost in love for a woman I had an absurdly-real connection to, but never was a couple with.

I remember caring nothing about anything at all other than being with her -- eating, sleeping, working, anything.

I remember losing my grip on reality and not giving the first flying fuck about it.

I remember the warnings from people that I cast aside as "not getting it."

I remember the doubts that started to creep in here or there, only to be shunted away in favor of the fantasy I was living.

I remember destroying my marriage, with a belief that it would be just fine to do so because that's what you do for love.

I remember falling -- no, JUMPING -- into the Abyss.

I remember falling alone, as she ended it, with no explanation that could satisfy, no words of regret that I could believe.

I remember reeling, more racked by pain than at any time in my life.

I remember considering silly, stupid things that only a man with nothing left to lose will consider.

But then........

I remember my friends, my army, my Constants who kept me -- almost literally -- alive to fight another day for myself.

I remember being shaken again and again and again by the unflinching love of friends who cared enough to touch me at all when I was so toxic.

I remember slowly coming back to life, realizing that I was not broken, only bent.

I remember discovering that I have a heart, a brain, a soul, and a fearlessness of sharing it -- things that I thought were part of the fantasy, but things that were seriously real after all.

I remember what I looked like when I was emotionally naked.

I remember feeling strong enough to start, carefully, gingerly, dating for the first time in my life.

I remember meeting someone who personifies honesty, and thinking that I could do that, too.

I remember thinking, "What have I got to lose? I've lost it all. Let's try THAT way for a change."

{pause}

That's all I remember of that man, that time, and that person. He ceased to exist around that time, and that is all I need to know.

No, that's not right, either. I need to remember one more thing about it: my failures have contributed more to who I am than have my successes. And I like who I am, now that I've seen it for the first time.

I was, and still am, a poet and a romantic and a dreamer. I was, and still am, a believer that love conquers all. I was, and still am, driven by an intensity that scares me like a roller coaster.

That is who I am, and it is with no small measure of pride that I tell you that I am glad that picture was on the hard drive, after all. I do not ever want to forget.

Because I never want to be that other man again.

--Seriously


SweetDarlinAngel 41F
2996 posts
5/1/2006 5:54 pm

Seriously~

I think if you meant to remember, then I was meant to read your post today. Thank you for remembering and sharing. I think your words have helped me to see some thing in a very real way for me. I have done some struggling lately, and this blog has really hit home hard with me. Funny how your impression seems to always be the most important. I'm glad I found you today. Thank you.

~SDA

~Angel


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 12:23 am:
Your presence and your comment are no accident, I am sure. I have no idea why or how, but things like that happen to me.

You are a beautiful person. Thank you for gracing this space.

Stick around....you never know what will happen next...

EroticaXTC 51F

5/1/2006 6:07 pm

You know, I'm very much in agreement with SDA...as I sat here reading your "memories", a lot of them resounded with me...

There's a favorite saying I know, that I've used over and over in the blogs..."You are never the same person today as you were yesterday"...
each tiny experience every day molds us into who we become tomorrow.
Like you, I sat here thinking that I do not ever want to be "that woman" again...and I realize that I don't have to be, because I never will be again.
Thank you for this post my friend!


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 12:24 am:
We are who we are at all times...alot of the times we just don't see that.

Thank you for being who YOU are...

rm_AmishAmy 102F
246 posts
5/1/2006 6:50 pm

i remember reading you for the first time
and not liking you much......
i didn't agree with what was going on in your life.....
i judged you......and for that i was sorry.....
but you were like a car accident to me......
i couldn't pass you up without checking you out....
and you were clumsy.....confused....dorky...honest
and open......and i was hooked......
and i changed my thinking.....
i realized that i had no right to pass judgement.....
that i could never know someone else's situation.......
so i tried to understand......
and i didn't always agree....
but you were ok with that as long as i had a good argument to explain myself......lol
you have taught so many people so many things
including me....
just by sharing yourself the way you did......
given some people hope....
when they didn't think it was possible...
i love seeing you from this angle.....
you're stronger and healthier
this change suits you.......
and as i've always said....
you deserve to be happy
and i'm sooo glad
happiness found you.....


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 12:24 am:
And that, right there, is the Amy I know and love. Thank you.

frangipanigal 46F
10406 posts
5/1/2006 7:11 pm

Until your "Stick man" post, I had not realised you where the new and improved version of "Him".

I started reading that blog towards the end of said episode and felt like I was intruding into something so personal, yet I had to read it. I am not sure if I ever even commented on it, was early in my blogging days and I was still a little shy.

My hat comes off to you. To go what you went through and not close your heart. I am glad you didn't because look at the amazing woman you have in your life now. Congratulations and thanks for reminding me that anything is possible.

Frangi


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 12:26 am:
I am the same, yet completely different from who I was. And it is almost a shame that you didn't see this incarnation before, or you would know already that I realized some time ago that I had to do what I did in order to get ready for My Sweetie. I used to say I don't deserve her, but I don't know if that's right. I do know this much, though....I am ready for her now.

TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
5/1/2006 7:12 pm

First off, I didn't know you as that other person. I found you as Seriously Real, the way you've always been I am sure

Wow. Very powerful post there. I've had, well, two experiences like that, where I remember things similar to you. While these men did not destroy my marriage, they served as a catalyst to it.

I remember falling alone, as she ended it, with no explanation that could satisfy, no words of regret that I could believe.
Same happened to me too. I was just blindsided. It made me doubt if what I had was real. I wondered if I would ever find a man again who I connected with that way.
And, like you, I discovered as time went on that the best way to get over something like that is to move on and believe again, believe something better is out there. I also agree that failures contribute more to who you are than successes.

I remember meeting someone who personifies honesty, and thinking that I could do that, too.

Aside from your friendships, isn't that the key? For myself I have found someone I can be completely honest with, about everything. It is a refreshing feeling I have not felt in a long time.
That will be your key to happiness Seriously.
See, who would have known you would be in this place you today a mere three months ago?
I'm very happy for you, and especially now knowing yourself the way you do, being happy with the man you are.


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 12:27 am:
Thank you, Sister Real. I am a richer man for the presence of new friends like you in my life.

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
5/1/2006 8:31 pm

It's interesting...I have just been going through a very minor version of this over the past couple of days. Mine was generated by the person gearing up to leave town - brought it all back in a very Pavlovian response kind of way. But again, mine did not have the life wrenching aspect to it. Much. And it's been a couple of years.

But I LOVE that you turned it into a sort of benchmark, to measure where you are now. Excellent.

Life's a slice, yeah?

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 12:29 am:
Yeah, a slice indeed. Sometimes it feels like the whole damn thing, too.

Guess it doesn't shock you that your comment is the one I looked for almost immediately, huh? It is no stretch to say that you were on my mind alot during this post....

seek_u_topia 52M

5/1/2006 9:03 pm

you're right, you should forget, because she was part of what you are today, part of the evolved person that can be so honest.

like i've said before, people, those that we've lost in various ways, shouldn't be forgotten or replaced, because they are the bricks that make up who we are. there may be some holes and a feeling of missing something caused by thoses we've lost, but they've ultimately helped us grow stronger into what we are now.

you da man...deal with it and prosper (and live long too!)


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 12:30 am:
I ain't da man. I'm just a guy lucky enough to have friends -- old and new -- who pick him up and carry him forward when it gets too hard to keep going. Thanks for being one of them.

rm_gerson42 53M
2419 posts
5/1/2006 11:24 pm

Isn't it amazing, that often, when I have a difficult experience in my life, that sometimes the solution, or the beginnings of a solution come through someone else's experience and pain.
So, mustn't I, in turn, share my experience, strength and hope, so that someone else may benefit?


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 12:22 am:
Yes.

It is strange, you know, but I wrote this almost unconsciously. I just let go and let it all go. And there it was. Almost instantly, SDA above saw it, and was apparently meant to see it.

We touch more lives than we know. Sometimes we are lucky and know it anyway.

You are the same way. I saw that right away with you. Go do something good.

curious082385 32F
4925 posts
5/2/2006 2:05 am

Can I just say thank you for writing this and hope that you know why I'm grateful?


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 5:19 am:
You could....and can....and that's fine. (I must confess to not knowing QUITE so much about it as you might think I do, but that's okay. I'm not going anywhere and I have time....)

MoonRise9 59M

5/2/2006 5:12 am

What a marvelous set of "remembrances" you have there, certainly worth keeping around for the occasional reality check as life moves along. And your "I need to remember one more thing about it: my failures have contributed more to who I am than have my successes. And I like who I am, now that I've seen it for the first time." Thank you for that.


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 7:48 am:
Reminders of what brought us here is the essence of growth. Like fertilizer on a plant, our shit makes us stronger when we process it properly. (Damn....that was deep. I should TM that, too.)

frangipanigal 46F
10406 posts
5/2/2006 5:34 am

This is not the first post that I think you have taken me the wrong way....Sorry that it comes across that way, I only wish you and Sexydisater the best.

Frangi


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 5:36 am:
Oh, no no no....It's okay. I took it the right way. I was just responding way the fuck too late at night and my intent in responding was unclear....sigh.

I know what you meant, sweetie. It's all good.

rm_JohnMacLaine 51M
585 posts
5/2/2006 7:40 am

I am with gerson42 on this, it amazes me that when I go through a rough time in my life, such as now, I find others experiences and their realizations that relate somewhat to what I have been through, and it provides a sort of medicine for my soul. I especially like the line:

my failures have contributed more to who I am than have my successes.

That is so true for me, I am defined by what has happened to me in the past, and I am defined by what I go thorugh on a daily basis. Thank you for your words, and my best to both you and Disaster.

Scott

"I can retain neither respect or affection for a government which has been moving from wrong to wrong in order to defend its own immorality" Mahatma Ghandi


Seriously_Real replies on 5/2/2006 7:48 am:
What a nice note....thanks, Scott. We all just do the best we can -- the key is keeping our eyes and ears open, you know?

Become a member to create a blog