Secrets733 44F
224 posts
6/7/2006 6:45 am

Last Read:
6/20/2006 7:16 pm


I'm leaving on a trip soon. My husband will be home. I'm worried about leaving him without my supervision. I've thought that he has been unfaithful to me in the past, maybe present I don't really know for sure but he has been kidding around about how much fun he will have when I am away. I'm sensitive to his jokes.

I get frustrated because I know so many people who have been unfaithful in their marraige I start to think that all people are that way and I am strange.

Sometimes I start to have the attitude, If you can't beat the cheaters, then join the cheaters. But really I desire to be close with a man that I am compatable with, not playing the field. So I doubt I'll be cheating anytime soon. Although there are many beautiful and friendly people out there in the world, being unfaithful to my partner goes against my values unless both people in the marraige consent to playing around. Sure I've thought about it, maybe talked about it but that as far as I go. I've known an "open marraige" couple and there is a difference if both people are consentingly swinging vs. traditional marraige and monogomy, don't you all think so too?

In the meantime I'm going to try not to worry so much about my husband and enjoy my trip.

rm_KnowStuff 57M
240 posts
6/7/2006 11:47 pm

Your attitude is a healthy one. Don't do the can't beat 'em join 'em thing. Do what you do for your reasons not other people's. Your husband will do what he will do supervised or not. No point in fretting it now. Compatability is a good thing. You don't strike me as someone who would care for or be a "playa".

As far as the "open" marriage and "lifestyle" folks, it's a different dynamic with it's own perils and considerations. I've met several and while I think they are neat people to know, I am pretty sure I'm not wired for their game. I would be happy to give you my viewpoint on that some time (I may have already blogged some on it around here) but I guess you gotta plane to catch.

Have a safe trip hun and come back and tell us what you will. I know I'll miss ya if you're gone too long

florallei 100F

6/13/2006 9:03 am

Hello Secrets,

I too felt as you do now...I went on the belief that marriage was for two committed people...I fooled myself for years denying the many signs that my ex was having sexual encounters with not just one but many women.
A so-called friend confessed that she was one of the women...we have been divorced for nearly 10 years thinking then is quite different now...
Although I am not a sleep around kind of woman, I can't overlook the fact that some people will stray for many reasons and it is not about SEX...they are wanting...desiring...needing something that is missing in their relationship. Of course there are some as KnowStuff said they choose a certain "lifestyle"...
I do not condone extra marital affairs but I am more willing now to open my mind and be more empathetic...that things are never as simple
and many factors come into the to why married partners have affairs...
I do know the anxiety and pain that you are feeling...have you discussed with your husband your fears? Have you confronted him of your suspiciouns? Are you ready for the TRUTH? What will you do if he is? Forgive or Not? It is painful but it will save you years more of pain...
Hugs to you,

Secrets733 44F

6/13/2006 6:17 pm

Florallei I believe you are very wise. It is true what you say about extra marital affairs especially about the reasons never actually being about sex. The reasons people have affairs are definately not black or white. I have discussed my fears with my husband. He denies doing anything wrong ofcourse but I have been right about my intuitive feelings before with another man so I lean on believing what I feel in my heart. It's difficult when you don't really know what is happening for sure but you feel something is wrong. I would be so lucky to have a friend who could say yes or no, that he or she has been a witness to my husbands faithfullnes, whether good or bad. But if I were to hear bad news I don't think I would forgive him and that is because we both made a pact to be faithful to each other and he has always told me that if I were to betray him he would not forgive me in that situation. I would have to leave and I think I would need to be alone for a long time before I could try another relationship. But if that were ever to happen and I were to stumble across another love I wonder if I would be able to tolerate an open marraige.

rm_2bluestracer 62M
17 posts
6/16/2006 8:37 pm

Hello Secrets,

Wow, this is really weighing heavy on you. I mean, you must have many other things on your mind as you are leaving town-- and this one floats to the top?
Men and women are wired differently, you know this. But, women seem to forget that men have a very short memory, like 2 hours before and 2 hours after an incident. Maybe that is why women need to keep nagging at us...
If you keep accusing him of cheating and he isn't, it won't be long and he will. If your guts are telling you that he is cheating, and you feel comfortable in following that intuition, do something about it or let it go. By constantly confronting him (about your intuition) you may just drive him towards whatever it is that you are accusing him of.
It takes time, but eventually you reach the point where you understand that you cannot make someone love you. You must accept people for what they are, you cannot change them into something "you want". That said, there are no perfect people out there. So, you find someone that has 'many' of the qualities that you desire and you learn to work around the qualities / flaws that you do not like. If there are qualities / flaws that really send you over the edge (as in this case, cheating) you need to "shit or get off the pot" (pardon my language). Either you confront him and take his word (or not) and then respond from there. Otherwise, you will be spending the rest of your life (and time) worrying about something that may have never happened --- or did happen and you did nothing about it. Either way it will always be a big 'thing' between you. So, make a decision.
You talk about needing to supervise him----is he under age? If you feel that you need to supervise him, you may need to re-evaluate your relationship. I mean, are you his wife or his mother? Find the qualities/flaws that you can live with (or not) and move on.
Sorry, if this sounds a little harsh. But some people spend their entire lives thinking about 'what could have been'. Don't be one of those people.
Please understand, I am not telling you to leave or to stay. I am just trying to help you to see (or find) what is really important in your relationship.
Best of luck to both of you.

Secrets733 44F

6/20/2006 7:16 pm

Harsh truth is never easy to hear, but atleast it is the TRUTH. No, I can't make him love me. I fear that there has been too much bitterness between us to try to salvage our relationship now. Either way I decide it will not be an easy road back to happiness.

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