The right chemistry only lasts this long...  

Secrets733 44F
224 posts
2/3/2006 6:45 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The right chemistry only lasts this long...

Lust: You're Sexually Attractive THIS Long

That head-over-heels feeling of the first passion of love that leaves you unable to eat or sleep or think of anything else lasts at most two years. That's the word from researchers at the University of Pisa in Italy, who found the bodily chemistry that makes people sexually attractive to new partners switches from lust to cuddles after no more than two years, report the BBC News and The Daily Mail.

You can read the full story on compuserve.

Sometimes I feel like my husband talks to me disrespectfully and I become offended and/or embarrased. Sometimes I become angry with him because he doesn't listen to me. Then he tries to convince me of how he was not disrespectful or how he does listen. He replays the conversation and situation over and over to me in his point of view like I will change my mind about feeling hurt by him. Sometimes he gets angry when he can see that I am not convinced by his arguements and adds insults to the injury. Can't he see when he is hurting me? Doesn't he care about how I feel?

When this happens I feel like I don't want to be his wife anymore. I start to feel like living life alone wouldn't be so bad. Anyone who speaks to me in this way must not love me. Leaving him would be a big step. I don't know if I am ready for that big of a change in my life but I also know that I don't enjoy feeling the way I do now. I am very unhappy with my most important relationship. I don't have the courage to leave him right now, I don't know if leaving him is the right answer. I don't know what the right answer is but what I do know is that I feel like going to bed early. I believe that love doesn't last forever.

L00kin4Passion 57M
61 posts
2/5/2006 2:05 am

My first thought was "Damn... sign me up for two years then!"

"In love" is such a wonderful feeling. Kinda makes me wonder why some couples date for so much longer? I'm a tactile guy so it's physical touch that means most to me. So cuddles can be pleanty lustful to me. While all the senses are important, a well timed hug does wonders for me.

I hear your frustration in the writing here and can relate to much of it. It's a dangerous thing for me to guess what he may be doing or thinking when he does the things that make you feel this way. Heck, we could compare notes on much of this and still draw no good conclusions. So I'll rant along with you a bit and if helps I'm happy and if it doesn't so much ... oh well... flame me as needed.

It is not a lack of love,
But a lack of friendship
That makes unhappy marriages -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Does he know your love language? I think I posted once somewhere out here regarding a book someone wrote about 5 love languages: Words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch, and quality time. Apparently one of these "languages" tops the list for you, him, me, whoever. Even though we relate to all of them, it is the one you respond to the strongest that is your primary love language.

Even with the cautions mentioned in the book about men and sexual gratification and stuff(ego) -- many guys are all quick to claim "physical touch" as our primary language. You saw me mention it earlier. It is actually my language as I think any member of my family can attest. Yes, I hug people a bit

Anyway, my spouse is all about acts of service, I suspect my son is about quality time, and my daughter may very well be about receiving gifts.

Solutions for you must be found by you. The point I make is perhaps you should think about what your primary love language is and maybe think about how and what he responds to? I'll bet he never thought about things this way -- we're (men) pretty dumb that way.

I could make bold assumptions here and say something like "He's invalidating you, to make you small and more controllable. True love occurs when another validates you." Then, of course, I could validate you to the nth degree and convince you to run away with me. But then we'd both still be confused and neither of us would have much of an answer (and perhaps a great deal to answer for!).

Bet this is being written while you sleep and recharge. Perhaps not saying a word was a better thing for me to do. But I've been reading your blog for a while and can feel a torment similar to mine every so often. So if you're still reading... think on this a bit.

I believe love does last forever. I believe "in love" likely doesn't. I have posed and argued that there may not be such a thing as "2-way unconditional love" among mere mortals. Unfortunately, you may be nearing a stage in your life where I'm being proven right (alas) again.

This is much longer than I intended but here's what I know:

My marriage is in peril and will likely end this year.
I will love my wife forever.
My kids have my unconditional love.
I will be a much better man than I have been.
Indifference and neglect are slow but steady killers.
I choose to live a little every day over die a little everyday.
The only love worthy of a name is unconditional.
And when the time comes... I hope to die smilin'

"Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind".

muscles4u2have 56M
1645 posts
2/5/2006 11:05 am

Sexual relations, after being with one partner for a long time seem to get stagnet. Love then turns to being able to comunicate and have fun with that person. Trying new things sexually will keep it going too, but if you can't cumunicate then it will not work out. I know I have been down that road! I hope the best for you in your time of decisions!

Secrets733 44F

2/5/2006 3:21 pm

Thank you both and you are both right. Lookinfor passion, is it not too late for your marriage? That is a bold prediction. For my marraige, I feel that I need more of a friend out of my husband. His love language is this...acts of service such as clean home, full belly, balanced checkbook, sexy wife in that order. If every effort I make to acheive these tasks goes along successfully then I receive nothing but kisses all the way to the bedroom and praise, ofcourse I love that. I don't mind trying to be all of those things to him but I am a real person with a real life and feelings and sometimes my days are busy with work and family needs and it becomes hard to acheive what he expects from me and I lose favor with him. When I am having a hard day I need my husband to be my friend and listen to me so that he can understand who I am inside. Sometimes I feel like maybe he doesn't care what is on the inside of me. Like he only cares about me when I perform acts of service for him. Giving and taking can be a hard thing to balance. Sometimes I think it would be easier to live a lone and not worry about complicated relationships. I could live with my cat. That would be the easy thing to do.

L00kin4Passion 57M
61 posts
2/6/2006 1:27 am

Sweetie... I think it is too late for my marriage and yes, a bold prediction. I'm kinda kicking myself for saying anything about that. But the whole story is a long story. I'd tell you if it would help your situation at all. This is not quite a comfortable forum for that tonight.

I see you "lose favor" which suggests he is lord and master of his house and maybe you -- not an altogether bad thing. But I can relate to his selfishness. I lost favor long ago and it appears to have become a convenience for her. I subjugated myself to her will and spent a time trying to repair and reconcile, followed by a long term run of indifference, and most recently new attempts to resolve and reconcile. They have (or I have) failed which leaves me heading for a life relationship change.

Yes relationships take effort. You sound awesome. Sure it's nice to have a clean home, full belly, balanced checkbook, and sexy wife. I'd change the order ... and losing favor with me would have little to do with those things. Us Leos need attention ... more than food, sleep, clean homes, and balanced checkbooks. Complicated we aren't and I think relationships only get more complicated when someone subjugates someone else or when you're not operating together as a team.

You didn't suggest your love language. My guess is you respond to primarily words of affirmation and/or quality time. Without meaning to be sounding like I'm coming on to you -- I would suggest you deserve both. While I'm only hearing your side of the story, so far one of you is more selfless and the other selfish.

"The first duty of love - is to listen."

Guy1378Fox 47M

2/6/2006 1:26 pm

I am going though something similar with my other half. Last week we sat doan and talked about trying to make things work. I am still trying to figure out how to bring back the passion, if that is possible.

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