Searing05 56M
9 posts
1/14/2006 7:24 pm

Last Read:
4/28/2006 3:53 pm


Sensations, it all comes down to sensations.

More accurately; the shuddering, smoldering, burning need to immerse myself totally in every sensory experience, every emotional drama, every mind rolling body quaking moment possible in this life. This illicit yearning threatens to entirely consume me.

My strength is taxed far beyond breaking as I dive into any other distraction, anything to keep the terrible restlessness and hunger from me. The bottle, the sweet subtle numbing that when controlled properly is a numbing buzz. Fighting the desire to take that buzz to the next level, to revel even deeper in it's grasp. The blurry image of days lost, the searing yearning dulled/

There are so many routes, so many ways a man can fall into the embrace of ecstasy and sweet oblivion, and I fear them all. I fear them because of the day I no longer no how to say "enough"... the moment that I allow myself to dive in without reservation, without parachute, without limit. Then I will be lost.

Yet those moments are all that save me from the precipice. The fall into the sensations, the experiences and temptations of the flesh. I can see that fire consume me, causing me to do things no person can imagine. Willingly. Hungrily. Obsessively.

Yet, perhaps in becoming lost I will become even more me?

Searing05 56M

1/21/2006 2:38 pm

Or is it the search for perfection? Not perfection of the mind, or soul, or body but of the perfect completion. The one person who not only compliments, but matches. Who equals in all things, yet conflicts in entirety to create the spark that ignites the flame that consumes. The flame that I am inexorably pulled toward. And the unavoidable question - in burning will I be consumed, or transcend to an even higher level.

In short, perhaps it is the drive not to settle for less than the ultimate.

Searing05 56M

1/22/2006 4:14 pm

In the quest for the ultimate, what else is there to do but to give at least as much in exchange, to place the ultimate in offer. A person truly learns the risk inherent in such an undertaking. The almost certainty of moments of searing pain. Indeed the mind allows us to know what is painful, is it the soul that allows us to know what will be ecstasy?

I am one of those who live a tolerable life, yet I fight the entropy inside me that would rest on tolerable. The restless times, the curiousity, the inherent need to achieve more than tolerable drives me. Perhaps I am a fool to hope for the ultimate: completion and companion, peaceful harbor and raging storm, total safety and infinite vulnerability. Yet, what am I if I acknowledge the possibility she exists and do not even make the attempt.

If balance is the source of true harmony and happiness, then the risks inherent in the quest must be equal to the reward. The vulnerability of being totally open rewarded by the certain knowledge that in being vulerable I am safer. So, perhaps one day I will find the one, with whom my vulnerabilities are exposed, my secrets open and myself safe. And hers to me.

Perhaps. Someday. Somewhere

rm_wellread38 57F

2/3/2006 11:49 am

Ahhh...but not all fire consumes. Fire can also serve to transmute, to transform. Transformation of spirit to knowing one's own truth is the "gold" in the process.

Become a member to create a blog