Shaking my head in disbelief and wonder...  

Sarcasmistress 48F
220 posts
7/17/2006 4:47 am

Last Read:
7/20/2006 5:03 pm

Shaking my head in disbelief and wonder...

When I was a little girl, I did the whole princess game thing, complete with knight in shining armor and all that stuff. I was a fat nerd chick in high school, so when other girls were dating I was left with my daydreams and stuff. I didn't have a real date until the junior prom (but that's another story). It was another year after I finished high school before I had a real boyfriend.

My first love broke my heart, over and over again. Looking back on it with 16 years of perspective I realize what we really were to each other: I represented everything he wished he could be, mostly just himself, and he was my attempt to win my father's approval. We were horrid to each other, I mean truly, truly awful. We broke up once and for all in fall 1991, but got back together briefly in 1994 after we'd straightened out some of our personal issues. In those three months we managed to dress the wounds we'd inflicted on each other and, in the end, part company, still in love but knowing that it wasn't our path to be with each other. I'm glad to say we're still friends to this day, and I'll be seeing him and his lovely wife at DragonCon in September.

But it took me nearly five more years before the thought of him didn't cut me in half. One day I realized I was thinking about him and I wasn't in pain over the idea. The hole that was left in me was still there, but it had become smaller over time and was now filled with gratitude for our friendship and good memories of our time together.

He was the last man to break my heart.

Since him, the men I've chosen have been, put simply, unworthy and unchallenging. The first few were so malleable I could make them do whatever I chose. They stood no real chance at breaching my heart and thus no chance at all of hurting me as the loss of my first love had.

I tried to convince myself more than once that I was really and truly in love with these people (well, individually, I mean). I even agreed to marry a couple of them, but ultimately didn't. Because I had chosen someone who could never be my equal, I could never really give myself to them.

I agreed to marry my ex-husband for *all* of the wrong reasons. My oldest brother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer earlier in the year when I met him. Again, looking back on it with a few years perspective (and after years of therapy), I know now that it was never him I wanted...I was trying to replace my brother before I lost him. No one who knows me and my ex-husband ever thought we were a good idea, although his parents loved me at first (let's face it; I look good on paper). And no one seemed terribly surprised when we fell apart.
But it did not devestate me. It didn't have that ability; for all of the things that he represented to me, I didn't ever really love him.

In November, I ended a nearly three-year relationship with someone I really and truly thought I loved. He had nothing to offer me aside from himself. He was smart, attractive, funny, and he really seemed to love me. More importantly, he got me. All of those things about me that either mystified or terrified people, he understood. The drama that was my life at the time didn't scare him off, although it totally should have. I thought I was done; I found all of these things that were great in someone who, for the first time, really and truly understood who I was.

Ultimately, I realized that while he loved me, he didn't love me the way I wanted, needed, someone to love me. And worse, I didn't trust him. Not that I thought he'd ever cheat on me; he wouldn't have done that. But in the long term, I knew that responsibility for our lives would rest solely with me. If I didn't do it, it wouldn't be done. I couldn't stand the idea of being with someone, yet again, who couldn't or wouldn't, shoulder his share of life's burdens.

A few years ago, that wouldn't have stopped me or moved me to end things. I've always been responsible for everyone else, so that wasn't an unreasonable burden on me. And it wouldn't have been a big deal that he didn't love me enough to walk through fire, or even clean the house, he loved me, which was more than anyone had done since college. A few years ago, that would have been enough for me.

But not anymore.

It was hard for me to do, but even with the fear in my mind that he may have been the best I would ever have offered to me, I *still* preferred the idea of living alone with the hope of finding someone who would slay dragons for me, even though he would know I could do that perfectly well myself, than settling for less than what I knew in my heart I truly wanted, needed, and, frankly, deserved. Even though I didn't fully believe finding someone like that was possible, I would rather live with the hope that it was than give up that hope, because giving that up would be the end of me.

So what's the moral to this story? Did I find my knight in shining armor? Well, his armor is a little rusty, pretty dented, and could use a good polish, but it's armor nonetheless. But that's not the truly interesting part.

This man has broken my brain. Not only has he proven to me that romance novel love actually can exist in this world, what he's shown me is so beyond my understanding, it is not unfair to say I never conceived of love like this in my wildest dreams. I didn't dare. What I've seen of this world would not lead me to conclude that this kind of love is possible for anyone, and sure as hell not for me.

But apparently, it is.

Worse, he's making me eat my own cynical words. I never believed in the idea of love at first sight. Lust, oh hell yes, but not love. That idea was ridiculous to me.

But when he walked around the corner on the day I first saw him, I cannot explain what I felt except to say I knew him already. I had never seen him before in my life, although our paths had crossed many, many times. But I honest-to-God knew him and felt like, and still feel like, part of me always have. It sounds insane, I know. Believe me, I am not the type of chick given to flights of fancy like this. I've met a lot of people, lived all over the country, traveled where I haven't lived, and not once in my life did I recognize anyone the way I recognized him.

I always wanted to slap the hell out of people who say "when you meet the right person, you'll know." I mean, how insipid is that? And no one could explain just what that meant. Well, folks, I'm here to tell just fucking know. It's insane, irrational, inexplicable, and disconcerting, but I cannot deny that it is ultimately true.

He seems to get impatient with me when I just stare at him, brow furrowed, like I'm mad or something. The fact is, I'm still trying to figure this out. I like answers, I like explanations, I like proof. And this one just is there, without explanation, and I can't deny the fact that it just is what it seems to be. Y'all know he's a hopeless romantic, prone to immersing himself in the idea of love without recognizing the reality. That ain't me. That's never *been* me. I'm grounded; I'm logical; I'm pragmatic. I don't lose myself in emotion because I'm always looking for the reality behind it, to see if it's supported by the evidence. I wouldn't believe this is all true if it was just *him* but, by God, it's *me,* rational girl.

I doubt I will ever ceased to be surprised by this, or, most especially, by him. I can't imagine there will ever come a time when I take this for granted. I'm still in too much shock. I don't know why, I don't know how, but suddenly it's as if, at last, my lessons are learned, I've met the prerequisites, I've finally earned this. I've found the someone I can well and truly love and who, by God, loves me madly.

In closing, let's just say that it isn't just his driving that makes me find a faith in God, or fate, or karma or destiny that I never had before.

frangipanigal 46F
10406 posts
7/17/2006 5:50 am

And that's all we can ask for. That the destination is worth the journey.

Glad you two have found each other (but sorry you have to put up with his driving!).


MoonRise9 59M

7/17/2006 5:58 am

That was a long and thoughtful read. "Rational girl" has yet to understand that she is Jedi Mistress. The Force definitely seems to be with you and yours. Where do you recharge your light sabers when they run down???

TheRealThing655 49F
9558 posts
7/18/2006 7:25 am

I really enjoyed reading this. And also to see, that given your intelligence and pragmatic view of life, that things like this do in fact happen- I really do believe, though it hasn't happened to me yet.
I just love hearing about you two and am very happy for you both!!

JustaSeeker 107F

7/19/2006 8:36 am

    Quoting elbman:
    Now train him you must to speak "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?" when the force he wields upon you......
Oh lord take me now, that's so funny. I am so using that, I just have to concoct a scenario where it will work.

JustaSeeker 107F

7/20/2006 8:45 am

Sorry. I meant to also say that this was a very revealing post and I recognized so much because I've felt exactly the same way and done many of the same things, for the same reasons at times, but since I'm more guarded than you are I won't tell about it here. And that is why I'm never going to have a popular blog at this site. But I'm sure I'll tell you, and then you'll see that you aren't odd or weird, just a woman trying to make sense of life. That thing you said, "All of those things about me that either mystified or terrified people...", oh, that one really hits home- what is up with that- but when we find someone who gets it, we hang on for dear life. Which is the benefit of being smart; knowing when you have that. Which you do, on both counts, so stop worrying about why it is, and just say yay. Here, I'll say it for you. Yayayayayayayay.

And I know about love at first sight. Durrh. Of course it's real. Completely inexplicable but real.

not Justa today.

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