DEPRESSION.. THE DARK SIDE OF ME....  

SacredStarDance
4888 posts
8/22/2006 10:32 am
DEPRESSION.. THE DARK SIDE OF ME....

From some encouragement I have been asked to share..and i'm a lil afraid.. this is not rehearsed here.. just like life.. no rehearsal.. just live it the best you know how..

I was clincally disgnosed with severe depression at age 29 along with chronic phytique syndrome..
huh ???
I just went in for severe headaches and i got all this info..
well of course im tired i thought.. I'm working 2 jobs and going to school...
of couse im depressed i thought.. I lost my mother less then a year.. taking custody of a child and lost my fiancee the night before our wedding..

you bunch of quacks..

years have gone by.. i lived with the pain.. the headaches.. have had every test .. every xray..
I became more depressed

I thought my depression was from the pain..it is the other way around..my pain is from the depression.. its so hard to comprehend..

when Naturally.. I'm an up-beat person and in all my life i have always had a positive attitude.. have always been able to see the good in everthing..
then there are those times.. the cloud is soooo dark.. so deep.. you can't breath.. you can't see the answere.. and you get mad that you have the positive thoughts but your body won't move...
you tell your self over and over..
mind over matter.. mind over matter..
but the matter swallows you up..
also during this time.. i don't want to reach out.. call some one.. write about it..

I have been on every med out there.. nothing has really worked yet..but I know there is hope..and will keep trying..

this is the biggest reason for my " under the stars"
I have to seek what I'm grateful for ..
this is why i have the glass red stone..
during my times of deep depression.. the stone reminds me I will pull out of it.. I will survive.. don't give up..
The red stone and the stars have been the most powerful help I have..they are a reminder..

depression comes in soooo many different levels.. and many don't realize there it.. married to it.. related to it..
its not lazy.. not crazy..not phobic..its real
so fucking real...

look at me..
I have the most wonderful husband..
a home...
a loving family..
support from my friends..
i have everything...

and yet i find myself crying under the stars and i have no idea why.. theres no reason for my depression.. all i know is its controlling if you let it..

As my friends.. you know I don't show the dark side often..
and you know I wont call when im in the dark..
when im there i want to be left alone..
I dont write blogs.. I dont call.. because during this time.. no words can make it better..
just my stars.. my red stone.. to remind me... I'll be fine..but thats not the answere.. and I know this.. so i seek help constantly.. I read about it constantly.. educate myself as much as i can..

I was one of those that thought depression was an excuse.. its not..its real
I thought A.D.D was an excuse..
its not it real..

until you feel it.. you will never understand it.. and i hope you never feel it

I'm begging everyone that can relate to this..to please.. find somthing that will remind you you will be ok.. the cloud does pass..please get help.. there is help.. the meds do work..dont go off the meds without talking to a medical profession... dont mix suppliments with meds unless it's ok by a dr..
get educated about your symptoms..

most important

validate your feelings...

know the difference between clinical depression
and when stuff in life is getting you down..
I have learned for my self .. there is a difference..

please..please..please..
this is just a blog..from my heart..
its not an RX..
find profeesional help... it works..
and if you know someone and love them.. get educated fast

I plan on sharing more of my journey..

if it gives one person out there an ounce of hope
it made my day
your not alone..

and thanks to GOTD 1946.. for the encouraging mail

a tribute to Sandy
please get help


under the stars

the pic is climbing a mountain.. you can


under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat



sexyariesgirl 59F

8/26/2006 4:38 pm

Elysian's post directed me here. Thank you for this post. Every time someone else gathers the courage to share...it helps the rest of us! And possibly someone out there who is struggling but doesn't know why. I too suffer from depression and have for several years. I've been the route of trying all the meds, etc. I've finally found one that seems to work better than the rest, and for the moment things are good. I'm praying for a long stay on the plateau this time. Blogging has been teriffic therapy for me...and fits my budget extremely well! lol Good wishes are sent your way ....

Power To FOK


SacredStarDance replies on 8/26/2006 5:52 pm:
wonderful happy your here .. and yes blogging does help so much and so many with so many different areas of life..
I thought the topic was worthy since so many out there are depressed.. clinically depressed or live with someone that is going through the same thing..and so many do not know they are depressed.. I did not take it searious until a year or so ago thinking I could take care of it on my own.. I can't and why should I..
I'm so happy you shared with us .. its shows all of us it can be beat and helped.. just keep seeking answers

TonyPlays 65M

8/26/2006 8:07 am

MRSMUFFLAND replies on 8/26/2006 9:24 am:
thats wonderful.. maybe you should post more about the subject.. I'm opened minded to anything that helps


well, scientology is classified as a religion and I really don't want to proselytize about my religion, especially on a sex site, lol. But I just thought I'd mention something that works.


SacredStarDance replies on 8/26/2006 3:25 pm:
yes.. I will look into it thanks

timeforfun219 43M/43F  
2155 posts
8/26/2006 7:59 am

I have a pain disorder of the nervous system. For a long time I tried to battle it with painmeds and medical procedures and the depression got so bad I really wanted to give up. Something just snapped on day and I got over it. No more meds, no more procedures. The depression was actually making my pain 100 times worse. Although the pain is still there, I have learned to deal with it. Now through someother life events I have become post-menopausal. Again I stand at the edge of this awful depression battle. I look all around me and see all I have to be grateful for... My wonderful boyfriend, great kids, mediocre job (Lol) It helps, but it is still a battle. You just have to choose to fight the battle and never surrender the war!!
Also I have a very good friend who has battled chronic fatigue syndrome for years. She has always been called lazy, lost jobs, etc... It is a very hard struggle. Don't give up the ship, that is unless it is to hop to a cruise ship to the bahamas!

If my boobs were bigger I'd be a BBW!


SacredStarDance replies on 8/26/2006 3:24 pm:
awww thanks for your sharing..
its hard but I won't give up thanks for the encouragement.. I know there many things out there that will help and some are helping.. and the bahama's sounds real good right now..
thanks os much for coming by

GoddessOfTheDawn 106F
11240 posts
8/26/2006 1:46 am


~ sending positive thoughtz 'n warm hugz ~

great posts, great comments too ...


SacredStarDance replies on 8/26/2006 7:26 am:
thank you.. means alot and yes the comments our wonderful and helpful
hugz back

TonyPlays 65M

8/25/2006 11:41 pm

Twenty years ago I was depressed. I got into scientology and my depression disappeared.


SacredStarDance replies on 8/26/2006 7:24 am:
thats wonderful.. maybe you should post more about the subject.. I'm opened minded to anything that helps

LadytoPleaseYou 65F
5447 posts
8/25/2006 6:15 pm

Thanks for sharing mrsmuff...I too have depression. I have stumbled that same darkness. I know how hard it is.
Did you mean chronic fatigue syndrome? That exhausted feeling when you've done nothing. It's hits you quite a bit during depression and at other times too. That coupled with the pain you have could mean you have fibromyalgia syndrome. Check with your doctor. Treatment could vary some from what you are getting now. Symptoms include, but are not limited too...depression, anxiety, chronic pain with no apparent cause, fatigue, hypothyroidism (under active) irritable bowel syndrome TMJ syndrome and carpel tunnel syndrome. There are others. There is no tests available to prove that's what you have. Doctors will do testing to rule out other possibilities, but the diagnosis comes mostly from your history and a physical examination that includes checking for pain trigger points. Because it doesn't show on x-rays or blood tests some doctors don't believe it is a 'real' disorder. A rheumatologists....doctor for arthritis or an orthopedic would be your best bet. I have had this for probably 20 years, but only diagnosed for the past 6. No one could explain to me why I had pain in so many places. I've been treated for depression on and off for years.
Hope this info helps....sorry about taking up so much space.

PENIS CHARMING....where are you?


SacredStarDance replies on 8/26/2006 7:23 am:
thanks.. dont ever be sorry for taking up space here..more info giving is very helpul..
I have had every test in the world.. I think.. anyways..everything turns up negative so far..The fatigue is the tuffest for me.. I have a very active mind.. and so much i want to do .. but not the energy to it..the sleepy haze hits me several times a day.. this is why i try to excercise as much as i can to get the blood pumping..then the guilt of not getting things done.. wow another part of it..
I'm just now in the middle of being re tested on several things..Im hopeful I will have an answer soon.. but i have learned you have to be a lil demanding with Dr's and ins. comapnys to get the test needed..and this is sad..because many times i do not have the energy to be demanding.. or the personality.. well here she comes..

thanks so much for comming by.. your comment was very helpful

Notfunanymore 106F
10289 posts
8/25/2006 4:27 pm

elysian's latest post led me here........

Good post hun!

I know I have my days, but it's just life......... MINE! Some of the time, I don't know how much more I can handle! I carry on though, somehow.......

I hope the tx you've sought helps, one way or the other....
~~ hugs


SacredStarDance replies on 8/25/2006 6:31 pm:
thanks so much..
like i said.. I can usually take on the world.. then the black cloud floats in and im helpless.. getting much better.. more work to do.. the word is.. don't ever give up.. there is help out there..

thanks for coming by

elysianpleasure 49M

8/25/2006 3:52 pm

Wow... this post means a great deal to me. My wife, I am sure suffers from the same things you describe... but hers may even be darker. I have tried for years to get her to see someone... to get help... to recognize these things. I married my best friend... and there are moments when she is this wonderful women I still love. Too often there is a darkness over everything in our lives. I wish she would read something like this and see herself... but I don't know how to help her.


SacredStarDance replies on 8/25/2006 6:25 pm:
you knowing that there is a problem is number one.. many are considered crazy or just a biotch or pms 29 days..in a row.. all i can say is do what ever you can to reach out to her..get your family involved..try to get her to communicate and just listen.. dont judge.. validate if shes upset for a real reason.. sick child, money, real stuff that would bring anyone down.. most of all.. take care of yourself.. know the difference when she is upset with you for a valid reason.. or under deep depression.. don't blame yourself.. go get help.. be sneaky like my hubby and google depression and leave it on the computer.. he told me he thought he was depressed.. now that really woke me up

under the stars

MOfunNOWWOW 56F

8/23/2006 8:50 pm

you are the red stone
red for your love unbreakable
brilliant and beautiful
under the stars

Thanks for sending and spreading the love and knowledge {=}


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


SacredStarDance replies on 8/24/2006 4:34 am:
thank you beautiful mo..
I'm Mo better cause of beautiful people like you out and about giving us all positive thoughts

docdirk 49M

8/23/2006 8:15 pm

How very brave and very right of you!!! When depression is in full bloom, it is like being underwater - a thick, paralyzing pool of black ooze devoid of light and hope. It can't be shaken off. It can simply be dealt with... at best. One day, one minute, one breath at a time.

Continued courage to you... at the very least you are able to recognize all of the good things surrounding you. Remind yourself of them when things are at their darkest.

Ah, Its you again, Your Angel Feathers and your Blood Stains...


SacredStarDance replies on 8/24/2006 4:31 am:
dOC..Your discription in perfect of the depression i feel at times..and the beauty is.. I know.. some how... blessed to know i will pull out and that is what i want all to know.. you will pull out. But it takes some more then attitude adjusting and preperation of the mind for the next fall.. along with professional help..and support.
thank you

rm_passion7523 52M
2931 posts
8/23/2006 5:47 pm

a powerful post mrs muff,you are truly beautiful, may your words be read be those in need and

may you always
have the strength
to take the medication you need
may you always have the power
to reach out
and take the many hands
that will help you
from your abyss
may you also realise
that those that giveth their hand
need for you to take it
as much as for you to reach out
for you see as much as sometimes
you may need us
we for the most times
need you ...

hand out to you .... peace and harmony passion


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 6:51 pm:
beautiful...and very special
all is wonderful..just need to take my own advice half the time
huggssssssssss

SpaceRangerNJ 56M
4687 posts
8/23/2006 5:10 pm

There are so many of us out there with depression at one level or another.

I have Adult ADD as well. Not severe lucky enough.

I use therapists as "life coaches". I know some people shy away from counseling. They Don't like the labels attached to someone who sees a "shrink".

Knowing that one is not alone in depression or in ones life situations is a real bonus. Blogville is great for knowing one is not alone. Someone is right there along with you, or has just been through it, or is just behind you. Everyone can learn from everyone else.

Thanks for sharing.
SR

[image]

Special pic just for you.
Red Stone Heart under the stars.


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 6:48 pm:
thanks my friend for your support.. love the pic.. so kewl

Djeeper1987 48M

8/23/2006 4:03 pm

now breath breath and repeat after me

all shall be ok

all shall be ok

all shall ::cough:: be ok

Carpe Diem


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 6:46 pm:
all is ok..

rm_jd29992z 55M
3888 posts
8/23/2006 2:53 pm

Oh Muff that wa very brave to talk about it! I am proud of you!!! I know it is for real there are good people with problems out there and I hope what you just said helps them get help. Some people one on the right meds are fine some like you well need to keep looking. Never stop your journey to feel better you are a great person one of the nicest people I have run into here in blog land I am proud to know you. Like everyone else that is your friend here I am here for you e-mail me profile if you need to talk a shoulder to cry on. I know yo may never do this but the invitation is open and welcome. You are a strong person you will win don't ive up the fight girl we are all on your side!!!!! Under the stars girl JD


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 4:01 pm:
jd thanks so much.. I get better day after day with sooo much support from husband, family and friends.. it makes a big difference..
thank you huggssssssssssssssssss

Dustywidgettoo 62M

8/23/2006 10:11 am

Muffy I'm home. I need you t renew your network invite to my new handle. Send all your mates to my blog


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 11:15 am:
hmmmmmm now how do I know thats the dustywidget we all love and adore..
need to investagate

stonerandsea 49M/52F

8/23/2006 5:51 am

Wow..........every time I read you I learn something new.........and then what I have thought about you from the moment we first met is reinforced as well.........you are an amazing, sensitive, and truly thoughtful person......here you are with this horrible disease, and yet you are more concerned with helping others yet again! Thanks for being such a wonderful woman......a wonderful inspiration, and a hell of a fun chic!!!!

luv ya
Sea


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 2:57 pm:
helping others.. getting the message out is the best help for myself..keeps me being a fun chic..
thank you for your wonderful comment can't wait to see you

rm_Benkai7 56M
2358 posts
8/23/2006 3:59 am

Dear "Muffy".

... I惴 not sure about what to say ... maybe it is the rain of your soul which washes some sadness and clouds away ... don愒 fight it ... let it out ... you惻l see the sun, the moon and the stars again ...

... hugs to your heart, to your soul and to your spirit ...

Benkai7


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 11:09 am:
sweetie.. thank you..
its why i love the rain..
i do see happeiness.. and my soul is kind..its just a part of life that needs to be delt with.. and is.. and better.. I never give up

MUFFLAND4123878 58M/58F

8/22/2006 9:32 pm

My yummiest wife...you know where I am at all times......just call me
I love you and our love will always get us through everything we face together!!!


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 2:56 pm:
thanks for being the most wonderful hubby and friend and taking the time to understand.. and let me be me ..and helping me work out this all out..
your support has made the difference.. does not go un noticed at all

I love you

rm_aztec200358 60M
28 posts
8/22/2006 8:20 pm

Mrs. Muff , a very powerful writing, and glad I had a chance to read it. Stayed tuned for a blog of my own, I was diagnosed with depression myself, and am sure many might be surprised to hear that. I hear ya when you say , when you feel down you prefer to be left alone , same here, ......then what?.......I end up going into the chat room or find an escape that will put my mind to work. Mrs. Muff you are not alone ever, one short meet, but meeting you and Mr. Muff was a pleasure for me, the more friends I meet in person the better it gets. I will be posting my own blogs, and we can relate to many things that way.

Your Friend Tony

under the stars


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 11:00 am:
wonderful tony..and it was great to meet you as well and now you have been stoned in person and can understand the ,eaning behind it..
to be honest .. I'm never surprised at who reveals there depression.. as for my self i should have said somthing along time ago.. but as you saw for your self.. me dancing.. singing.. laughing.. thats the bigger side of me..I dont want to fool anyone that all is perfect all the time..
I have a medical condition and am dealing with it.. its me..
I will be looking forward to your blog and our many years of friendship to come.. your a wonderful man... and you iron to.. woooohooooooo

rm_cru1972 46M
4407 posts
8/22/2006 7:53 pm

I am one too Muffy. I am here, I know you just want to be left alone in those times, I DO TOO. but It does help to have a friend or two. I have some questions I will be getting together for you Thanks for being a friend


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 10:55 am:
cru.. when ever your ready.. you know how to reach me

MaggiesWishes 61F

8/22/2006 6:11 pm

Sista, you always have me and I'm leaving the light on! We can dance under the stars and make wishes all night long!
Your journey will take you to a more peaceful place, it starts with being kind to yourself. You are so kind to everyone else, I sometimes think that you need to be recharged. And I'm not talking from the Mr. You know what I'm saying ...
Everyone is responsible for their own happiness or not ... we share cause we want to, not have to.

I share with you my "happy" thoughts and warm huggies sweet lady


SacredStarDance replies on 8/23/2006 10:53 am:
I Thank you sis..and i hope leaving coments now is working.. anyways..
Iam rechareged.. life does recharge me...I adore life..I just don't want to take any more chances of someone out not knowing that they can be happy.. and there not alone..

SacredStarDance

8/22/2006 5:36 pm

I can't respond to comments.. I guess a.f.f is still working on the glitch...

juicy.. thanks .. I know your there and so much appreicate it

goodatpoetry.
. thanks.. yes all have some sort of depression.. and this site is a ggod place to be and to escape to and express yourself.. it is healthy.. but some have a much deeper depression that need just a tad more.. they need to know its ok.. ask for help.. if i can anyone can

Fire.. I'm glad you got help.. I have had the panic attacks and yes there scary as hell.. you know how to find me hun..
discreetcmh.. thankyou.. it did feel good to get it off my chest..I dont usually show a dark side here..not that i'm ashamed..it just makes me feel better to cheer one up.. I am a happy camper.. just with a flaw here and there..lol

elusive angel.. it's more painful not knowing what it is..why your depressed for no reason.. once i got properly diagnosed it felt so much better..

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat


firestarter665 44M/40F

8/22/2006 4:42 pm

I have been there and am still battling depression. The first sign I had of depression was almost like a panic attack. I felt trapped, closed in, I couldn't breath and I thought my world was crashing around me.

I did go for help and now am able to manage my depression (to a point) at home.

I feel for you!


elusive_angel 55F

8/22/2006 2:30 pm

To share something so personal and painful takes more courage than most of us can even comprehend. THANK YOU.... !!! So many people suffer through this alone, never realizing how many other people are going through the same thing.
Stay strong.......
Hugs,
T

Kisses,
Elusive Angel

elusive_angel


DiscreetFunCMH 51M

8/22/2006 1:55 pm

thank you for sharing yourself. It's very difficult and yet so insightful to put yourself out there. You have much to share and much to be proud of. coming to grips with this type thing is a big accomplishment in itself.

Share on, you will help many, including myself, without a doubt.


goodatpoetry2 68M
16569 posts
8/22/2006 11:06 am

I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I assure you, you are not alone in this.
In MY opinion....everyone here is here because they are missing SOMETHING in their lives. And to be missing something, means to be depressed....somewhat. There are all degrees, of course. Again, just my opinion.
How nice of you to think of the others that may also be in pain.
You ARE a sweety, you know.
We do.


JuicyBBW1001 56F

8/22/2006 10:59 am

My Dear MrsMuff,
I hope you know that I am a email, a phone call, or a blog entry away and that when your feeling blue and sad that I will be there to lend you my ears and my eyes and my heart.
I have struggled with depression for so long that I am making friends with it it seems by doing so when those blue moments come I am not so afraid to sit with them and work on making peace with them. However there are times when I wish I had someone to hear the silent cries in my soul. So if you get to the point where you feel like that call me email me or blog me and we can comsumerate together.

Love
Juicy

Juicy


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