My greatest romantic love, the ending  

Rubenesque1968 49F
152 posts
3/26/2006 7:38 pm

Last Read:
4/13/2006 8:25 pm

My greatest romantic love, the ending


Hello Readers,

At the end of My greatest romantic love, I told you of my ending up pregnant upon my then husband's return from a hardship tour. Finding out I was pregnant was a fantastic and wonderful time for both my husband and me. All the hurt and angst I had felt with him leaving seemed to melt away.

Since our base housing at the new post wasn't ready, we needed a place to stay for a month. There was no real place for us to go, since most places will not let you rent for a month. We moved in with his twin brother and family. (His brother had recently gotten out of the army and had bought a house that he was trying to sell, so he could leave.) We lasted all of two weeks. The way my sister-in-law treated her children was unbelievable. It was downright abuse, and I reported her to the authorities. Although the reporting was anonymous, my husband and I moved into an on base hotel for the next couple of weeks.

We moved into our new home. I joined the wives' group and met some people. I tried to fit in and gain some friends. I thought everything would be fine, boy was I wrong.

When I was five months pregnant, I found out I had gallstones. I was miserable. The doctor couldn't do anything about it, because of the pregnancy. For those who have never experienced gallstones, they are painful and make you very nauseous. I ended up in the hospital with a tube down my nose to feed me, since I couldn’t keep any food down. I had to get new IV’s all the time, and had bruises from them all up and down my arms. I spent three months like this. He spent maybe an hour a day with me. On his hardship tour, he had taken up golf and was working on his game. At least that was what he told me, to this day I don’t know for sure.

I went into early labor and after several days of the base doctors trying to figure out what to do with me; they sent me to a civilian hospital. When I arrived, they tried to make my labor stronger, to no avail. I never dilated. They gave me an epidural, but it didn’t help. I kept telling them I still hurt; they told me it was just pressure. It turned out that it had infiltrated, and was putting my baby’s life in jeopardy. Under general anesthesia, my daughter was born. She and I both had developed an infection. We had to spend a few extra days at the hospital.

When I got out, I found myself alone all the time with a new baby. I started experiencing post-partum depression. My husband was never home, and I was miserable. I had to go in to have my gall bladder removed. Within two hours of waking up from anesthesia, he dropped off the baby at the hospital for me to care for her. I felt all alone in the world. When I should have been happy, I was miserable.

My depression was worsening; I felt my marriage was a sham. I loved my daughter, but was constantly afraid that I was a horrible mother and was doing everything wrong. I didn’t know who to turn to, I felt I had no one. Thoughts of suicide lingered in my head, but I couldn’t do that to her. I fought to stay alive for my daughter. As much as I wanted to wither away and die, I couldn’t let my child live with the legacy my mother left me.

By the time my daughter was eight months old, I was in a deep depression. I wouldn’t leave my home, I cried all the time, and my husband acted as though I should just get over it. I couldn’t get over it. I tried therapy, counseling, and even took anti-depressants. Nothing helped. I was still miserable.

A couple of the women from the wives’ group took me out one night to a country bar, while another watched my daughter. I had never been to one. A guy taught me how to two step, I loved it. It was the most fun I had had in a very long time. I started going out almost every weekend. That was a dumb mistake, but I felt so alive there and so miserable at home.

By the time my daughter was two, I was sleeping in her bedroom with her. My husband and I were over. I spent almost every weekend dancing and drinking, making him stay home with our daughter. I still don’t know what I was thinking at the time. All I knew was that I had never experienced the partying that many people did in their early twenties, and I was going to make up for it.

I moved out when she was three, taking her with me. I moved in with some friends and a guy I had met at the bar. Another stupid mistake, but we all make them I suppose.

He and I rarely talk, now. He prefers to have his current wife do all the talking with me regarding our daughter. We have been divorced for almost ten years now, and he has not let go of even on ounce of the bitterness. While I understand his bitterness regarding the end of our marriage, he still doesn't see that he had a hand in its downfall.

Thanks for reading,
Rube

imLadyBambi 59M/51F

3/27/2006 2:30 pm

Ruby,

Thanks for letting me know that you had finished your story. Why don't you publish this (or other writings)?

It sounds as though you still feel guilt. Sometimes, especially in a case like this, you have to forgive yourself. I can't recall the exact title, but there is a book that might help to put a lot of perspective on things. It was written by Barbara De Angelis and it is titled "8 Secrets to Life Every Woman Should Know." (Be advised that she has two books with nearly identical titles - the one with the numbered secrets (e.g. 8 secrets or 7 secrets) is the one you want).

Lady Bambi


Rubenesque1968 49F

3/27/2006 3:12 pm

Lady Bambi,

I have actually thought of writing a book of my life. I just feel as though I could hurt some people if I told the complete truth in an open forum. One being my daughter, and I honestly could not set out to hurt her in any way.

I do experience a lot of guilt about some of the things I have done in my life, but am trying to overcome it. I will look into that book, thanks for recommending it.

Rube


blogginOnly 59F

3/28/2006 3:27 am

Rube hon, everyone makes mistakes. You cant go back, only forward. Learn from them. Post-Partum Depression is a real thing. I never had it, thank goodness.
My husband doesnt take the blame for anything!!! Its all my fault, so I can relate there.
You were young and was out having fun. You have done more in your life already than I ever will. Nothing wrong with kickin' it up!!
(Wish I could take my own advice, lol ).
If he hasnt let go of the bitterness, so be it. Dont let him know it bothers you, cause he will be bitter forever if he thinks it bothers you (thats a man for you, lol).j/k
Take care hon and best of luck. mmuuaaahhhhh


Rubenesque1968 49F

3/28/2006 8:10 am

Bloggin,

Oh, I don't let him know it bothers me, but I cannot stand his new wife so that makes it difficult. But, I am nice as pie to her, as well.

Thanks for your kind words
Rube


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