Secrets of My Heart ...  

RoyalPurpleRose 53F
307 posts
4/26/2006 8:30 am

Last Read:
4/28/2006 10:02 am

Secrets of My Heart ...

First, I must apologize for the confusion of my posts yesterday. It was not a good day. I had a lot bottled up, and needed to release it. The situation my family is in right now is difficult to say the very least.

Second, I have a very intelligent family doctor. It's family practice, so she covers a wide range of issues. We have talked extensively, and even before that conversation I knew that, my family would need more specialized professional help. So, that has been set up and our first appointment is in a week or so.

Third, I feel that I must reveal the reason behind these feelings of mine. The thing that I am just beginning to struggle with. Right now, it is just a theory .. a suspicion, if you will .. of what has been found in differing medical studies of persons who exhibit certain forms of behavior. This theory concerning my daughter (17 yr old) is that at some point in early childhood, she may have been sexually or physically abused. This, of course, has been deeply repressed, and may explain her behavior over the last ten months. It also comes as quite a shock to me and her father.

So, we are seeking the help of a professional to delve deep and help all of us. I (and my doctor) realize that in order for me to remain strong enough to help her, and not get mired in the 'what ifs' or regrets, that I, too, need the assistance of said professional. I know that I cannot handle this on my own. Just as I knew I could not handle all the family crap when my mother died. This, I know will be much more painful.

I have tried not to speculate on when something like this could have occurred. I know that thinking about that would drive me crazy. But I have an enormous sense of responsibility and of 'why didn't I recognize this could have occurred?' I think anyone in my situation would have the same thoughts and feel responsible. But I do have a suspicion. I know that this would not be myself or my husband (her father). I trust him explicitly.

Now you will understand my pain, and know what I am dealing with. I will come here to vent ... to cry on the shoulders of my friends here ... even to obtain a different perspective of all of this from you who read this blog. From the deepest most secret place of my heart, I thank you. For your honesty, your sincerity, your friendship, your prayers.

To AngelofMercy ... a true Angel. I am truly honored to have your support. If ever you happen to get to Texas, we'll do lunch. Thank you for being here. {{HUGS}}

Tires ... Thank you for the shoulder to cry on and the prayers. I'm afraid you'll need a dry shirt soon. {{HUGS}}

Jeepidiot ... I know all parents go through these feelings of inadequacy and failure. All parents swear to protect their children, and then something comes along to make them question themselves. Thank you for your support. {{HUGS}}

Fantasylover ... You are right. I realized that before I wrote those words. But those words and feelings still needed to come out and be expressed. I'm not saying those feelings and words were wrong, nor right. They just needed to be out, so that the way could be cleared for understanding and hope. Thank you. {{HUGS}}

Sweet ... I learned the hard way about bottling things up. Eventually that volcano must erupt ... and it won't be pretty. But still I must keep a tight reign on my emotions. I can't allow myself to be swallowed by regret. Because then I will not be able to help her, or be there when she needs me most. Thank you for your encouragement. {{HUGS}}

Dig ... With all that you have gone through, I am amazed at your strength and character. Your support truly means a lot. {{HUGS}}

I am truly humbled by the support of the friends I have found here. Knowing I can come here and laugh, or cry, vent and rage, or just hang out with friends is the greatest blessing. THANK YOU just doesn't seem like enough.

'A FRIEND is someone who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.'

~Kisses & Hugs, Royal Purple Rose

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
4/26/2006 9:53 am

RPR.....I would be so honored to have lunch with you someday. And I will be here through all of this. Anytime you need me....holler. The quote "A friend is someone who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself" is one that I am hanging onto myself. Your friends will stand here through this with you. And I am counting on it in my case for the surgery. Love ya....and ~hugs~ right back to you.

Whispersoftly5 53F
15176 posts
4/26/2006 10:39 am

RPR - I'm just getting to know you, as I've just recently started reading your blog. From what I've read I can tell you're a wonderful, special, sweet and good person. I'm really sorry for all that is going on and you will be in my thoughts. (((HUGS)))


rm_titsandtires 53M/42F
3656 posts
4/26/2006 9:44 pm

Whispersoftly - you're right. She's awesome!

Don't worry RPR, I've got plenty of shirts. Let me tell you a story, though...

Remember in the super bowl, back in '01? The Rams and the Patriots. The Rams were the heavy favorite. Even Patriot fans around here thought the Rams were going to win.
When the teams were introduced, the Rams all came out individually when there name was called, and they danced around and held up their fingers in a "we're number one" fasion for the cameras. Each one of them spent their two - three minutes dancing around in confetti. They were all getting ready to put that big ugly ring on their finger, before the opening kick-off. But I tell you what changed the outcome of the day...
B. Bellicheck, the coach for New England, decided earlier that week, that he was going to break a super bowl tradition. He had his team, the under-dogs, introduced simply as the Patriots, and they all came out of the tunnel AS A TEAM. They were one in unison. And as a team, not individuals, they won handily. (Which I might add, really sucks. I'm a huge Rams fan.) But the team always beats the individuals.
Here in the blogs, we can all be like that. I got your back now, someone else can get my back later. Teamwork. We all benefit from it. So don't feel like you owe anyone anything, you're just part of a team, and we, as team members, are doing our job.
BTW, I've had way to many pain killers today, am I rambling?


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