Rod Tender: The Book  

RodTender 47M
90 posts
11/24/2005 11:37 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Rod Tender: The Book

Sexy ladies, what follows is the first chapter of "Astounding Tales of Rod Tender: Choose Your Own Adventure". Finally, those who are not Rod Tender can see the world through His eyes and experience the breath-taking majesty of His being first hand! Heed well this tale from the lofty and fertile imagination Rod Tender.

Chapter One:

Rod Tender entered The Chief's office, unaware that the fate of the world rested in His delicate, yet entirely manly hands. The Chief, a gruff but lovable curmudgeon with but one day until his retirement, entreated Rod Tender to close the door- a task He completed most handily. Here Rod Tender observed an inauspicious omen indeed: The Chief had seen Rod Tender complete this crucial first step of His mission, and yet withheld his usual volley of jubilant accolades in celebration of this triumphant tour de force. "Curious", Thought He, concluding that the situation was quite dire. Outside, molten rock and diseased corpses continued to pour from the sky as packs of super intelligent cyborg gorillas howled in the distance. The Chief began to speak again, and Rod Tender studied his features carefully. How un-sexy this man was, with his constantly flapping lips, tear-filled eyes and ragged, blood spattered clothes. How unlike a woman, with his testosterone, and male genitalia. Yet in spite of these shortcomings, The Chief continued undaunted. Rod Tender smiled disarmingly (see the photo for reference) and hummed along to the rhythmic pounding as The Chief pummeled the walls with his fists, feet and head.

As The Chief spoke further, Rod Tender began to ponder sexy ladies, and His love of them. Indeed, He loved them well enough, and He certainly loved to love them, but did He love that He loved to love them? Furthermore, is it possible for Rod Tender to love the psychological state of loving that He loves to love His love of the sexy ladies He loves so well? Truly, the mind of Rod Tender is as unfathomably Byzantine as it is magnificent. Here Rod Tender's profound ontological meditations were abruptly interrupted by The Chief, who grabbed His lapels, shook Him violently and then exploded. As Rod Tender made His way to the exit, what He imagined to be The Chief's dying words echoed in His noble ears: "The world needs you, Rod Tender, only you can save us now. All the sexy ladies…they need you!"

After a series of death-defying adventures, double and/or triple crosses, much mayhem and general intrigue, Rod Tender had finally tracked down the elusive and diabolical bow legged beekeeper who so imperiled the sexy ladies of the world (and everyone else). But in an unexpected reversal of fortune, it was now Rod Tender who found Himself backed into a corner at gunpoint! As the psychotic beekeeper elucidated in thrilling detail his diabolically flawless scheme (the particulars of which are unimportant), Rod Tender considered His options. What should Rod Tender do?

1) Run and hide in the spooky old church:
Rod Tender mentally prepared Himself to flee. Just then, the nefarious beekeeper stepped back and bowed his head in obeisance...for behind Rod Tender stood the sexy lady from that program about the team of sassy woman race car drivers who work hard all day and solve crimes in their spare time. Thusly she spoke: "Ah, Most excellent! My dastardly bee-keeping servant has brought the illustrious Rod Tender to me. Now, delectably ethereal Rod Tender: you, who are 110% man… love me!" This Rod Tender did, for not only does He love sexy ladies, but He also loves to love them. Thus and so was the world saved.
The End.

2) Draw His weapon and defend Himself:
Suddenly, Rod Tender remembered the Sword of Invincibility given to Him by the cursed android’s ghost, and so slew He the sinister beekeeper, spread His magnificent golden wings and flew home. And on the way, He met a sexy lady and found a huge bag of money.
The End.

3) Use His irresistible charm to seduce the odious beekeeper and escape:
Rod Tender is not a homo-sexual and, as such, would not do this. Choose again.

4) Call the police:
"Tie your shoe, good sir, lest you catch yourself and fall,” said Rod Tender to the satanic beekeeper as He inched His way towards the nearby phone. "Silence" cried the fiend "long have I studied you, o most dashingly sumptuous Rod Tender, and your elegant ways....” Here the woebegone beekeeper issued forth a macabre yawp and fell to the floor; struck dumb and rendered both blind and insane. For at that very instant, his fragile mind had grasped, and was consequentially destroyed by, the unimaginable magnitude of Rod Tender’s impossibly stunning grandeur. Without warning, the doorbell rang. It was the pizza Rod Tender ordered over thirty minutes ago, and as such, the enchanting and enigmatic Rod Tender ate for free on that happy day. Also, the delivery driver was a sexy lady.
The End.

1023 posts
11/27/2005 5:29 pm

I was so impressed with Rod's ability to complete the task of closing the door most handily sexy lady, I could not get any further for your ego took up to much bit rate and afford me no room to scroll.

Also, if you're 110% man, do you keep the extra ten percent in a jar or something?

Lastly, I left my dictionary at my other family's house across town, what does wobegone mean?

Thanks for the outlandish fiction sexy lady!!!! I'll be sure to tell my two friends.

RodTender 47M
140 posts
11/27/2005 6:43 pm

Agreed. Rod Tender is indeed most impressive.

Rod Tender is an enigma wrapped in a riddle and deep-fried in mystery. He encompasses all universes possible, impossible and inconceivable. Thus, His awesome powers are beyond the understanding of all but the most exrtaordinary of persons (i.e., Rod Tender). So clarify, no.

woe·be·gone: (wb-gôn, -gn) adj.:
1. Affected with or marked by deep sorrow, grief, or wretchedness.
2. Of an inferior or deplorable condition.
(From The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company).

Happily, Rod Tender also has more than one friend.

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