Oh those so witty onliners  

Rivetedboy 50M
30 posts
10/16/2005 1:46 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Oh those so witty onliners

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
goat.

Marcus Brigstocke

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

Chris Addison

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Patrick Monahan

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.

Colin & Fergus

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Susan Murray

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ..Self-raising?"

Addy Van-Der-Borgh

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Jeremy Limb

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Mark Watson

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".

The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"

The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

Steven Alan Green

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

Norman Lovett

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

Chris Addison

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

Arnold Brown

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Milton Jones

I tried to find pictures of quotation marks to put at the side of this post, then thought lets find a picture of a bloke who can't string two words together. When I saved the picture it was titled "STUPID", automatically. Sorry if i've offended anyone. lol Riv


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