Me and my Physical Trainer -- 16 Sessions  

Richard_Surplus 41M
22 posts
3/12/2006 7:23 pm

Last Read:
3/19/2006 12:33 pm

Me and my Physical Trainer -- 16 Sessions

session 1 - on the advice of tavis smiley, i started working out with a personal trainer today. my pectoral mass has become so huge that my back can no longer support it. paul is going to make my back stronger, my guns lethal. i signed up for 16 sessions. don’t ask how much. i’ve done some pretty impressive mental gymnastics to rationalize the cost to my indebted, and indeed flabby, ass.

session 2 - we’re keeping with a full body workout circuit. i guess that’s a good idea. i kinda just wanted to focus on my glutes. i would like to have bulging glutes. pecs and glutes. that’s all i really want.

session 3 - paul and i are really getting along. we have that special chemistry found only in relationships between sadists and masochists. some masochists cut themselves, some burn themselves. i lift up and put down heavy things with various parts of my body in systematic and banal repetition. and paul tells me to “squeeze” and “push it” and “c’mon” and “breathe.”

session 4 - paul thinks i don’t suck in my tummy enough. while looking at my slight bulge, which i protrude to signal my affluence and prestige, he said, “dude. that’s disgusting.” he went on to say, “keep it tight, as if you had to be ready to be punched in the gut at all times… if you don’t, i am going to punch you.” i laughed, but he didn’t. he was a marine.

session 5 - i don’t think paul likes that i sweat so much. i explained that i inherited the metabolism of my polish peasant worker ancestors. this didn’t lessen his disgust. he has begun to carry around paper towels to wipe off any errant sweat drops that land on his person. session 6 - purportedly as a new abdominal exercise, paul has taken to BOUNCING a 20 pound medicine ball onto my midsection while i do crunches. it hurt so much i started laughing. “what the fuck are you doing?” i cried. he explained the importance of changing up exercises.

session 7 - during bicep curls today, paul told me to hold the bar still for 30 seconds. my left bicep started freaking out around second 17. he looked at it, head-shakingly, “dude. that is so weak.”

session 8 - “i can’t close my hand,” i whimper after dropping the TWELVE POUND barbell a second time. after the new upper-body routine, my forearms became so swollen they cut the circulation to my hands. they were only so much useless unfeeling flesh. “dude. you have to deal with the numbness,” paul said. i asked if he was a philosopher. he said that he wasn't, that he just spoke the truth. i was going to tell him that’s what philosophers are supposed to do, but then i almost fainted.

session 9 – midway through my 18th squat, paul says--apropos of squatting--“yeah. i’m gonna give you my ass.” at which point, i go weak with inner mirth. he’s able to grab the 300 pound bar before i go over. to diffuse his comment’s (perhaps?) unintentional homoerotic not-so-sub subtext, i respond politely, “well then, i guess i’ll name it after you.”

session 10 – there is one aspect of my workout of which i routinely fail to make note: the delirium. 15 minutes into the work out and there’s no longer a whole lot of blood running through the brain. i’m no longer completing sentences. i’m just cognizant enough to carry out paul’s punishing directives. i thought this might be a problem. but i also realized that there is another aspect i forget: the utter humiliation. the sting of shame as paul mocks my inability to finish ten push-ups. the smirks of the bronze hardbodies as they glance at my sweaty delirium. i’m pretty sure forgetfulness is delirium’s mercy.

session 11 – talking about back and neck muscles, paul ask for this huge guy to show us his. in the middle of weight room, this guy lifts off his shirt to show his splenius capitus. paul asks the guy to flex it. as this lump bulges out--like a fucking tumor--paul says, “that is awesome.” i’m asked if i want to touch it. i politely decline. paul thanks the bulging splenius capitus. the bulging splenius capitus responds, “anytime, dude.”

session 12– i’ve begun to think that becoming fat may not be such a bad thing. i used to fear it like death and student loan repayment. but as my 2 pack subdivides to 6 (it’s actually happening!), i begin to feel less fearful and then, nostalgic for that fear. i could’ve been huge.

session 13– paul wants to hook me up with one of his other clients. he wants to take us ice skating. he calls this “giving back.” i say that i need some time alone. he doesn’t understand. i tell him i need to learn how to love myself. he says, “dude, if i had a dime every time i heard that, i would have a dime.” i don’t tell him that i am less afraid of being alone than of being seen by any potential girlfriend as paul drags my sweaty, delirious ass from machine to machine.

session 14 – i’ve begun reading “american psycho.”

session 15 – paul has asked me to keep a diary of my consumption for the week. he’s curious why i eat dinner at 4pm. i tell him that i’m getting ready to be geriatric. he asks why i eat honey mustard pretzels every night at 11:30pm. i tell him it’s just my thing. and then…
me: i drink coffee. is that going to be a problem?
paul: well how much coffee do you drink?
me: about 6.
paul: cups?
me: yeah (because of his expression disgust, i refrain from telling him that i plan my entire day around my coffee consumption).
paul: are you serious?
me: yeah.paul: what’s wrong with you?
me: i don’t know. is six too much?
paul: yeah. six is too much.
me: well, how much do you drink?
paul: none.
me: what’s wrong with you?

session 16–this is my last official session with paul. paul offered to train me “on the sly” for $50 a session. although this is cheaper than paying for sessions through the gym, i don’t have any money. but i also figured that with continued training, i will only need white tank tops and jean shorts for my spring and summer wardrobe. i tell him i will think about it. at our parting, we shake hands. “well, it’s been an education,” i say. paul says, “yes. it certainly has.”


pussinboots4u 51M/49F

3/13/2006 1:23 am

ROFLMFAO!!!

I'm not kidding you - It's 3 something am - I can't sleep and nearly woke others up laughing.


rm_4yousexyeyes 107F
307 posts
3/13/2006 5:02 pm

With tears streaming down my face.. whew thats was some funny shit!!


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