In tears....  

RedheadedMedStd 35F
1734 posts
3/24/2006 7:44 pm

Last Read:
3/28/2006 11:27 pm

In tears....

In the city of brotherly love, namely Philadelphia, there was placed a movie. If you don't know what it's about, here's the short-hand version. Tom Hanks is a lawyer who is unjustly terminated for being discovered as a person living with AIDS. The whole story is about the trial, and most of it takes place in a courtroom.

But that's not what grabbed me in particular although the movie was excellent and I can see why it is so highly regarded.

It was the ending. There are home movies of children being shown, pressumably shot in the 50's when Tom's character was growing up. Children playing in the sand, holding up pumpkins they didn't help to carve but claim are theirs, trying to carry in coolers into a beach house. I wonder if they used Tom Hank's real family videos first off. Secondly, I bawled. Not just because of the movie which is your typical film of martyrdom, but because of those kids at the end.

I will never have the opportunity to have memories like that with this baby. Even though it's not mine, I can relate to this pregnancy now, almost like the kid is my own. I've been very stressed lately and this movie just topped it all off. I would love to be there to watch this child open their first Christmas presents, or to see the day they lose their first tooth.

It's not my child and yes I will have the opportunity to someday have kids of my own if I so choose, but that bit at the end also made me so happy for the couple who is going to recieve this baby. They get to have the miracle they thought would never arrive. They will get to take family portraits, eat birthday cake, and watch this child graduate from high school.

In so many ways this evening has been emotionally charged and I've been on the verge of losing it all day. It's becoming more and more personal as I have to wear maternity clothes, sweat pants, and I can't go hang out in public. It really makes me feel unloved. My parents have told me in so many words they don't want me around their house too much anymore, they don't want people to ask questions. Even though they respect what I am doing and think I am giving these two wonderful people something they deserve and so desperately want, I am starting to feel a little abandoned. Ok not a little, A LOT!

It's hard to not be able to be who I want to be and to be isolated so much. I don't really have very many friends that are a) willing to give up their social lives for the night and b) that would even think about me on such an occasion.

I feel so alone, like no one really is going to understand this whole ordeal. I also feel like I am rambling and no one else will understand how upset I am. I just want a friend who will hold me and let me cry. I haven't had the opportunity to grieve very much for my Nana and now watching a gut-wrentching movie like that makes me feel that everyone, even my family is looking at me saying, "We support you, but we just don't want to be seen with you." It's really hard to understand I guess for most people.

The baby is rolling around, knowing how stressed and upset I am, and I think it is the only one who can truely say they get it. That they feel what I feel.

Also letting go a girl who I thought was one of my best friends for so long now doesn't make me angry at her, it makes me sad. I will not get to hang out with her and her parents on Friday nights just eating dinner and watching a movie, or going shopping, or laughing at goofy people.

I think that I mostly just feel like my world of support is only there when it is convenient for them. There are very few people who I could call at 10:30 on a Friday night and have them drop everthing and come sit next to me and just hug me. The one person I could really rely on is in Michigan and probably couldn't hear me cause she is in a bar, and now resides across the country. I feel like everyone has left me.

Dang, depression has already sunk in. This is barely the begining of the weekend. I've been throwing my energies into work and not dealing with all my emotions lately.

So now that I've cried through most of this blog I am going to send it out, hoping that most people won't look at it and go, "Wow she is a wack job..." I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

Needing a hug and solace,

rm_metalmama69 43F
3878 posts
3/24/2006 8:18 pm


moonlightphoenix 46F
6508 posts
3/24/2006 8:26 pm

Wow. >< Hug. It's not an easy path you've taken. Vent as much as you like and really FEEL those emotions. You'll be better for it in the long run.

Another HUG ><

GardenGnome2006 60M

3/24/2006 8:40 pm

If only I had the power to say some magic word that would help you, make your pain go away, make you smile, even laugh.

Please believe when I say " it will all get much better one day soon".

See, now at least one person will be reading your blog and thinking of you and hoping that you make it through the darkness.

Kind regards,

frangipanigal 46F
10406 posts
3/24/2006 9:03 pm

I would give you the biggest hug if I could!! Hell, with the time difference it's probably not even late here.

I don't think I could ever do what you are doing...pregnancy and the hormones that come with it are hard enough, let alone the rest of the crap you are having to put up with.

I truly feel for you and take my hat off to you.

Cry when you need to, let it out, your friends here will try and help when they can.

Wish I could do more to help...

Frangi xx

caressmewell 54F

3/24/2006 9:11 pm

Sweetie I understand your isolation and feelings of abandonment. At 23 I got pregnant and my boyfriend freaked and left, my parents were embarassed over my pregnancy and people that I thought were my friends seldom made contact with me.

What you are doing is a selfless and wonderful thing for this couple..I don't know if I could do it. The hormonal and emotional changes of being pregnant can be overwhelming on a good day and can make us feel even more blue and alone on a bad day.

If you need a friend, granted it would be online, please contact me via email or my blog. Take care..big warm hugs to you.

rm_corezon 54F
3376 posts
3/24/2006 9:29 pm

Hugs to you...there are definitely times when it's better to let it all out in a good long cry, wish I was there to let you.

I got married after I got pregnant to someone that I had known I already wanted to break up with but he didn't and I waited too long. I did what I thought was best, that's all anyone can do, because ultimately you have to be able to live with yourself and it's easier to live with yourself when you know you did the best you knew at the time. Just hang in there and know that eventually you will feel better because you will.

I have often remembered my grandmother's words, this too shall pass. Too many of life's tougher times it seems we have to fight our battles alone and it's very hard when you feel like your friends and family have deserted you. The best I can say, is, that is when you find your own inner strengths. Always remember to be gentle with yourself and others whenever you can, and just know that things will be ok.

im_your_man77 40M
961 posts
3/25/2006 1:06 am

What you are giving this couple is an amazing gift and few people could ever be so selfless. That couple will be grateful to you for the rest of their lives but despite that gratitude they will never understand the hardship that you are going though now and will continue to go through for the rest of your pregnany and possibly the rest of your life.
As much as your parents and family admire you and want to support you during this time they don't want to get too attached to you during this stage because as much as you are struggling with your emotions right now they don't want to think of you as pregnant and then giving the baby away. At this time, you are having problems dealing with not seeing the baby that is growing inside you growing up, you parents are trying to protect themselves from having those very same thoughts. We are all human and we are all selfish at times, your parents are no different at this time they want to be there for you, support you, admire you but do so from a distance so that they don't get attached your baby, this doesn't make them bad people, just human.
This is the first time I've read your blog, I only clicked it because your blog was on the actively watched blog triple bill thingie but I could without any hesitation say that if I lived closer you could talk to me at any time just when you needed someone to talk to. Unfortunately thats all too easy to say from a distance but it is heartfelt, I hate to see when someone needs someone to talk to and doesn't have anyone. That said If I were in your situation I would go to the agency, that is presumedly dealing with your babies handover to the couple, and ask them if there are any support groups of previous mothers in this situation. If there is such a network I would look into using it. Those women will have been in your situation, will have felt your pain, depression, isolation and will be there to talk to you, to listen to you, to understand where you are coming from and will be a great strength of support in the future.

rm_xxyyzz33 50M

3/25/2006 10:10 am

You are to be commended for such a selfless act. As I have stated before, my wife and I have been trying for 1 1/2 years to have kids and nothing has happened. I can assure you that what you are doing for this couple will be cherished. The gentleman before recommended that you contact the facility that is brokering with the family that would appear to be a wonderful idea. I wished I lived closer because I would give you the hug you needed. I wish you the best.

RedheadedMedStd 35F

3/25/2006 10:25 am

Thank you all for your words of heartfelt kindness. It's nice to know that people are thinking of me from miles away...

PrincessKarma 45F
6188 posts
3/26/2006 8:41 pm

*brings over milk, cookies and assorted DVDs* I'll keep you company, sweetie. And I think your parents need to get poleaxed (gently). Who cares what other people think? Other people don't live with you, don't know you. I think you're doing something wonderful.

*SIGH* This is the kind of thing that makes me realize I live in the wrong fucking country... I should be where I could be of some use to my friends, instead of just sitting here unable to help.

The Big Bang was the mother of all orgasms.PrincessKarma

dasher121 37M

3/27/2006 6:57 am

like everyone said, things will get better. And as you said in the post, you know that someday you will have the opportunity to have your own children and it will be all the greater. It sucks to be alone when things get really dark around you, believe me I know. But it will get better, and you will find your support system. Theres always somone out there willing to give up their Friday night for some good company and a hug

The Dude.

revelinthedance 36M

3/27/2006 12:21 pm

Though it seems a tad redundant at this point, I feel compelled to chime in and lend my support, and a willing shoulder to cry on if you need it. I doubt you will decide to reach out to strangers individually as you have given so freely of your thoughts and feelings to a multitude in your post. For some reason, the multitude always seems safer than the individual. I must commend you on the relative selflessness of your actions and the benefit that they will have to the family to whom you are committing such a large part of yourself. Though I think the depth of your emotional reaction must stem at least partially from the drastic hormonal fluctuations in your body at this point in time, I have never been and will never be in your situation and. My opinion on the matter is, therefore, a moot point. My opinion does lend some support to the opinion that "this too shall pass", in that the hormonal fluctuations will not last forever. "It can't rain all the time", as they say.

I looked at your blog because it was one of the featured blogs, which seems a contrite way to fall into contact with a complete stranger, but I felt a need to respond because of the emotion resident even in so impersonal of a medium. Your manner of dealing with these things is remarkably different than any I have ever attempted to utilize. My approach to things if far colder, far more impersonal, far less honest. I am more familiar with the; "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel", school of things. It does not matter why I am so, but I thought it releavant to the following statement: I admire you. I admire you not only for your sacrifice, but also for the level on which you can engage with the world around you. I envy you also for the latter of these things. I encourage you to feel your way through this, as you are already doing. Feel it completely, and your world will be far more pure when the dust settles. Of those that have seemingly retreated from you now, the ones that come back are the purest of those. Ask them then, why they left.

Until that time, be as wonderful as I know you must be to do that which has brought you to your current state of being, and revel in your feelings, for they are pure.

RedheadedMedStd 35F

3/27/2006 6:34 pm

Revel, are you a philosphy-degree holder? Dang! Thank you for your comments. Come back and see me anytime...

I swear, I won't cry again like that anytime soon.

Ladies, this is what good upbringing gets you. And he's 23! Too bad he lives on the other side of the country!

revelinthedance 36M

3/28/2006 9:55 am

Redhead, you flatter me. Philosophy is little more than one of my favorite hobbies. My degree is actually in English. Slightly different, but equally as useless when it comes to the job market.

I do sincerely appreciate your praising endorsement of my words. Appreciation makes me beam inwardly on occasion. I must admit that this is one of those. Childish of me, I know, but at least it's honest childishness, small consolation though that may be.

As for the tears you swear you won't produce again anytime soon; I would advise you to bid them come any time they are needed. Much like rains that may wash out a hillside, you just have to hang around to see the beautiful things that will spring up from the rest of the hillside afterwards. Cry whenever you need to. I only hope that you have cause to smile far more often.

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