Am I Being Selfish?  

ReadyToTango46 58M
188 posts
3/12/2005 4:00 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Am I Being Selfish?

Here's the deal plain and simple. I'm married, I have two teenagers and a dog. We all live in the same house together. So why am I here?

During the past 15 years my wife has gradually lost all interest in sex (and me in general). We went from having sex once a week to once a month to a few times a year. For the past five years we have not had sex or any type of physical contact (not even a kiss or hug). Two years ago we both agreed that the marriage was over. So we sat and talked about our options.

We used to live within the Dayton city limits and our kids went to Dayton public elementary school. The school was actually pretty good, one of the best in Dayton, and we felt our kids were getting a good education. Then our oldest began going to a different school when he reached 7th grade. And then all hell broke loose.

The regular teacher became ill the first week of school and was unable to return. The school was unable to replace her, so my son's class had substitute teachers for the entire year. Everyone in his class failed. Literally, no one in his class passed. So what did the school do? Gave them all a final grade of "D" and sent them on to 8th grade. My wife and I were livid!

We sold our house and bought a house in the burbs (even though we could barely afford it) so our kids could go to decent schools. Which brings me back to the decisions that my wife and I made about our failed marriage:

1) Neither one of use was willing to live apart from our children. If we split we knew there was going to be an ugly legal battle for custody.

2) We simply could not afford to keep the house if we split, which meant we would both end up in Dayton again with our kids back in useless schools. This was completely unacceptable.

So what did we do? We decided to continue to live under the same roof. She got the master bedroom and I got the basement (which is not as bad as it sounds - it's clean and dry and heated and air-conditioned. And she moved all of her stuff out, so it is exclusively my area). We also agreed that we would live separate lives. She doesn't ask where I go or what I do, and I don't ask where she goes or what she does. Don’t ask, don't tell. And of course bringing home a boyfriend/girlfriend is a no-no!

So for more than two years now we have been living like this, and it has been working. I don't know if she is dating guys or not, and I don't really care. But I simply cannot function without some sort of occasional intimate physical contact. I'm a hugger, and I need to be hugged. And celibacy thoroughly sucks.

Am I being selfish for wanting my physical and emotional needs to be satisfied? Is my being here such a selfish thing to do?

Wow, this turned out to be REALLY long. If you've read this far, then thank you very much.

papyrina 52F
21133 posts
3/13/2005 7:07 am

your setting the kids a bad example of what marriage should be and we all need to held and a cuddle can be better than sex at times

I'm a

i'm here to stay

ReadyToTango46 58M
161 posts
3/14/2005 11:09 am

I guess I needed to post this more for myself than anything else. I just needed let it out, put it in writing, and then come back in a few days to take a look at it again to re-evaluate how I feel about it.

I've decided that while my life isn't exactly ideal at this time, I need to keep my head up, take care of myself as best I can, and look towards the future. There are both physical and emotional factors involved in taking care of myself, and while my exercise bike can take care of the physical part (well, except for sex), I have no choice but to seek emotional satisfaction away from home. Honestly, the loneliness and lack of affection and physical contact is wrecking me.

And so, while I'm not 100% comfortable being here, I think I need to be here. And if I do manage to find the right person then who knows?

Concerning my children - I think that they are old enough to realize that the situation is not the way a marraige should be. My wife and I sat down with them and explained things honestly and openly. There was an obvious show of relief from both of them when we told them we were all going to continue to live under one roof together. I understand that most people may disagree with the decision we made, and I respect that.

Additional comments are welcome.

HeyThereYou2 47F

3/16/2005 12:21 am

being a grown up can suck just as bad as being a teenager. sometimes even more since we're stuck with more and more responsibilities as we grow older.

i'm not in a position to judge you and your choices, and even if i was, i don't think i have the right to do so, so all i can say is good luck with life and stuff, and may better days be ahead for you.

hang in there.

(yes, hugging is good)

SigEp4U 43M

3/16/2005 6:02 am

Dude... I can so relate to the decision that you have made and could see myself making the exact same decision....

Good luck and hope all goes well for you...


wyvernrose 39F  
3962 posts
3/18/2005 1:26 am

Tango, I noticed the others told you you are setting a bad example. HELL NO, you are setting a great example, BELIEVE ME! I am not my husband first wife, if for you the alternative was a too the death family court battle, I am thankful that there are 2 less children in the world who have been spared that, what I would hope however is that you ensure your children are fully aware of the state of your relationship, and that what you both have is no longer a marriage, but a partnership in parenting, and that your children recognise the critical difference.


rainqueen04 56F
1340 posts
3/18/2005 5:54 pm are a great writer...when you tell a story, or speak the truth; you cause the reader..which is me in this case to thoroughly enjoy what you have written. i feel like i am there...i love your blogs and will comment further in more ways. for now, let it be said, that you are good, and a worthy man; a man of wisdom and words. i will comment further in the near future...kisses and hugs!

ReadyToTango46 58M
161 posts
3/18/2005 11:06 pm

Thank you rainqueen04. I've tried to answer this post 4 times now and simply cannot find the right words. Kisses and hugs are exactly what I need at this point. That's about all I can say at the moment. So much for being a great writer, lol.

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