Alternative Table Manners  

ReadyToTango46 59M
188 posts
4/15/2005 8:36 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Alternative Table Manners

Why isn't "sarcastic" a choice in the "My Current Mood" list?

Anyway, I just finished reading one of Mystic's pearls of wisdom. I know I need to stay away but I just can't help myself - he never ceases to amaze me. Here is an excerpt from one of his recent blogs instructing men on proper table manners:

"I am going to say however that one should not engage in yelling or raising their voice to frequently. Saying, “excuse me” after passing gas is a very big courtesy issue. It is considerably more appropriate to actually leave the table to do these things, but if by accident you do pass gas then you should apologize for it. I know that it is already embarrassing enough to disrupt the meal as is, but it is even more disruptive to not offer an apology after interrupting the meal."

Well guys, while this is certainly sound advice, I'd like to let you in on a little secret that makes it totally unnecessary to apologize or be embarrassed when letting one rip while at the dinner table. This works equally well in a fine restaurant as it does at home. It takes some practice to get the timing right, but the rewards easily outweigh this inconvenience.

When you feel that detonation is imminent then let the fog horn blow, and simultaneously belch loud, long and hard. If you need to lean to one side to ensure total release then simply knock something off of the table and lean to pick it up at the right moment. I have found that a packet of crackers placed next to your plate works well for this.

After the echoes have subsided, immediately mention that according to a Discovery Channel program you have recently watched, in many cultures it is a compliment to the chef to belch loudly at the dinner table. Your date will be very impressed with your knowledge and her eyes will gleam with pride that she is the one that you have chosen to be with that evening. Sometimes her eyes may also become a bit glazed over if your gastric venting was especially fragrant. In this case you can give a disgusted look towards the guy at the next table and hold your nose to indicate that yes, you smell it too. If you are at home alone with your date then blame the dog. Men, if you don't have a dog then get one. Trust me.

Yelling can also be a good alternative to belching. Again, timing is critical. The line (capped words are yelled), "My darling your EYES ARE BEAUTIFUL in the candlelight", has always worked well for me. Especially if you've already used the belch technique several times. Simply explain that the surge of emotions that you feel for her made it impossible to control the tone of your voice. Again, her eyes will gleam with rapture at the complement you have paid her. The glazing may be present too. Be sure to tie the dog to the table leg before dinner begins.

Well that's enough for now. Remember, timing is everything!

Eat your heart out Martha Steward.

keithcancook 61M
18138 posts
4/15/2005 5:40 pm

Lol. You can't be serious! That is some of the dumbest etiquette advice I have ever seen in print. Yes, you definately need a "sarcastic" in your mood listings.

ReadyToTango46 59M
161 posts
4/15/2005 8:28 pm

LOL, no, I'm not serious. But thanks for making me laugh.

wyvernrose 39F  
3962 posts
4/16/2005 8:53 pm

ROFLMAO!!!! I have brothers and we always had dogS need I explain further? lol

although it must be said that men are not the only offenders, women burb ,belch, breakwind and perform even more disgusting bodily functions as frequently and as fragrantly, all those women out there who think their shit don't stink please, keep a book of matches in your purse!


wyvernrose 39F  
3962 posts
4/16/2005 8:54 pm

Oh and Tango! its great to see you back mate and congrats on maybe finding someone!


sportyfun56 107M

4/27/2005 11:02 am

Tango dude... I will give you a knowing ^5 on that advice man.
I have a dog. And truthfully this dog has the stinkiest gas you've ever smelled. So it's an easy reach to just make a face and say... "dog".

Although my long standing response to unavoidingly blasting a public one is to just deny it. I don't care if it's obvious to anyone alive that I was the culprit or I'm the only person that could have possibly done it. I'll deny it and just go about my business... lol That tends to confuse the offendees long enough for the smell/and echoes disperse. At that point, there is no further evidence. So it's their word against mine. I always win that one. I can always blame one of them if I have to.

sportyfun56 107M

4/27/2005 2:56 pm

And Tango...
I thought you were going to "Just Say No". I think you need "The Patch" or something to get over being compelled to fall like this.


wyvernrose 39F  
3962 posts
5/3/2005 9:44 am

Tango Baby I miss you when are you coming back to your blog? {=}


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