My Nightmare  

PurplePeach72 45F  
7757 posts
8/18/2006 5:06 pm

Last Read:
10/9/2011 7:28 pm

My Nightmare

Well, my worst nightmare has come to life. The love of my life, the woman who showed me I could love and be loved no longer wants to be with me.
Because of years of abuse she is stubbornly independent and shuns others dependence on her. In the course of being married to and loving her, I have triggered the fear of her being dependant on someone else, me. I have become dependant on her because I love her with all my being. Somehow that all sounds like it should be a good thing. But its not. We are seeing a therapist. My goal is to save our marriage, but I am beginning to accept her goal is just for us to have a "nice" divorce. I have always believed that tomorrow is a new day with new hope. But now, it is becoming dark and hard.
In the same post she spoke of our problems she was singing the joys of the awesome boyfriend. This is such a stressful time we can't be together but she cant wait to be with him. I am ok with sharing, but that is not sharing, it is painful. I am torn, because he does make her happy and I want her to be happy and had even said before the "seperation" she could continue to see him because she was happy. But its the same happy I saw when we first meet. Wonderful sex, fun, no pressure, no real world problems, just happy fun. How long before the demons find that relationship. And she runs again.
Until we can afford for me to move out, we are living apart in the same house. We plan time for our child, so she said "each of us can do our own thing". For me thats not much as I don't have the awesome playmate to run away too. Or any desire to escape my family. Oh we have a mutual friend and she is fine with me coming over, but she is also working on a serious relationship and I am not putting that stress in her life. But no problem for her she has the M&M.
If I sound bitter, maybe it is because I am. I know first hand life is not fair, have seen and been a part of enough to know that. But somehow this all just seems wrong beyond any since of wrong. I want to be with this woman the rest of my life. I know she has demons, I am going to therapy with her, I have issues, we are dealing with those. Instead of running, why not for once in her life, face them, let someone help and stand her ground with someone who loves her and will do all he can to take care of her, demons and all. No one can run forever.
Part of the problem is I love her too much. Too much, that means somehow by freely giving her my love she feels she can't love me back enough. And no one should give that much of themselves. But when it is my choice to give freely, it is a ok, its not bad. The fact that I can wake up next to her, kiss her bye when I leave for work, come home and talk about our days, go to bed, kiss each other good night and always say we love each other, and used to have the most wonderful sex every. The playing, the sharing, the b/f all of that was an aside, just sweetened the pot, always made it exciting to come home. But no more.
I have never been this numb, cold, or afraid. I am doing all she and the therapist are asking. My hope and dream is that she wants to be here and that we can work at it together. And I will once again be able to roll over in the morning and kiss the joy of my life.
There are days when life is unfair, and there are days where you really wonder why you even want to wake up.
Maybe, you will see a post someday that says, We're back, and life is good again. Hope is all that is left.
Steve



Kisses,
LA


hunterpt 56M  
13503 posts
2/12/2016 6:28 am

Hope you save your marriage. Kisses


PurplePeach72 45F  
9199 posts
8/20/2006 2:37 pm

Footnote, one of the issues relating to my smothering her has been I don't get out and have my own friends. So I have been working on that. Not easy, not something I have dealt with in years. But got a call this weekend from a couple, inviting to take me out and then home...lol...well OK, its "my weekend" So off I go, closed the club down, he doesn't dance, so I danced with her most of the night, and we danced, bumped and grind-ed and had the place really going. Actually spoke to and invited complete strangers to dance or join me for drink. If was pretty amazing. When back to their place, Had a nice sharing evening or morning at that point. Crashed, the sun came up, hit my face, bingo I am awake, dress, kiss her and tell her thank you and to tell him thank you, and headed out. Got home, everybody was sleeping late...lol. got a shower and then did what I thought was the best part of the whole thing. I got in bed with LeeAnn. Just there, no sex, no pressure, tried not to wake her up, but after all that fun, the greatest thrill was coming home to a beautiful loving woman. I know we are "technically" separated, butI have realized so much the last few days. I am going to write a whole new post, including this. I just hope my change in perspective hasn't come too late.
Thank you to all of you who care and are trying so hard to help.
Steve


Kisses,
LA


rm_sexkitty0007 54M/49F

8/19/2006 10:19 pm

Steve, I was both you in this relationship, and LeeAnn in a way. I now have the fear of "loving too much" or "becoming too dependant" on any one person again. But, I will do just that... Otherwise the damn demons win and again will have lost and I just refuse to lose another damn thing that means so much to me. We all have demons. The hounds of hell bite at our heels until 3 and 4:00 am sometimes. Perhaps LeeAnn just needs time to remember what her simplest needs are, and live those. I dont know. I did. I went back to the basics for myself, I started over. It sucked, and it hurt, but I did it, and I overcame it, and I am happier now than I have been in the 17 years I was married to him. I had no one to be dependant on, no shoulder to lean on, no one to share anything good or bad with. It was a loveless marriage, but It was still my safety net, and I would have stayed for several years to come, I am sure. I chose to just let go. I do not regret that still to this day, however our situation was entirely different than the 2 of yours. I certainly hope that this is just a "bump in the road". we all have them. Give her the space she needs, and I hope that it will all work out for the very best for both of you and Maggie. And, I am so sorry about this. Call or write if you need a friend either one of you.
Bon-Bon


PurplePeach72 replies on 8/20/2006 2:26 pm:
Thanks Bon-Bon. I was she could have gotten up with you Fri. Kind of a suprize deal the way it worked out for her to get to go. I am trying very hard to give her all the space the world has. My hope is that this is a bump in the road. At some point she is going to have to let someone stand with her. Not taking away any of her independance, but being there, like her safety net. I know even with her survial mood, sometimes she needs someone to hold her with out judgement, no excuses, no promises, other than I am here and holding you. And I guess thats what I want. I want to be the constent in her life, kind of the main sail on her boat, she has the rudder and takes it where she wants to go, but I am there to help her get there. Steve

SingleNLooking72 107F

8/19/2006 10:07 pm

I've said all I could say about this right now on the phone with you earlier......


PurplePeach72 replies on 8/20/2006 2:19 pm:
Thanks, you have been there, I just hope both of us can her what you are saying. I think we can have the best of both worlds, we just have to get on the same page. I have all the time in the world to see if we can, I hope she does too.
steve

PurplePeach72 45F  
9199 posts
8/19/2006 1:45 pm

At one point I thought part of it was wanting me more, but after a lot therapy and talking I know that the harder I pull and try to hold on the more she is going to pull back, and even try and run. Its not just about me or him or sex, it is about years of abuse that make a self-defense system, if she thinks you are too dependant on her or that she is becoming dependant on you, it scares her. There is a deep fear that if she dependant on someone it will trap her and lead to more abuse, or pain or suffering.
I am just trying to give her the power to be in control and create the space and meet her needs in her own time and place and power. No its not easy, but I have come to understand the truth of if you love something you have to let it go. If and when things settle down, we may still be together. That is my hope. But, if she decides she can't I will be sad, but I know what has to be has to be. And I will never stand in the way of her happiness.
Thanks, big hug
Steve


Kisses,
LA


rm_PurryKitty2 49M/51F
9753 posts
8/19/2006 6:13 am

Steve,

After reading your and Leann's posts the past few months, I honestly think you need to grab a hold of Leann and tell her you DONT WANT TO SHARE her with any other man!!!! I really think she is seeking your attention (no offense Leann if you are reading this)....

BUT STOP LETTING HER GO OUT WITHOUT YOU! Do this lifestyle together not apart. Seeing someone without your partner there only leads to danger!

Good luck to the two of you!

Purry {=}

Purry


PurplePeach72 replies on 8/19/2006 2:36 pm:
At one point I thought part of it was wanting me more, but after a lot therapy and talking I know that the harder I pull and try to hold on the more she is going to pull back, and even try and run. Its not just about me or him or sex, it is about years of abuse that make a self-defense system, if she thinks you are too dependant on her or that she is becoming dependant on you, it scares her. There is a deep fear that if she dependant on someone it will trap her and lead to more abuse, or pain or suffering.
I am just trying to give her the power to be in control and create the space and meet her needs in her own time and place and power. No its not easy, but I have come to understand the truth of if you love something you have to let it go. If and when things settle down, we may still be together. That is my hope. But, if she decides she can't I will be sad, but I know what has to be has to be. And I will never stand in the way of her happiness.
Thanks, big hug
Steve

frangipanigal 46F
10406 posts
8/18/2006 10:53 pm

I have been in both of your situations (in two different relationships) and both suck badly!!

Sending you a big hug...

Frangi x


PurplePeach72 replies on 8/19/2006 1:34 pm:
You don't know how much a big hug means to me thanks
steve

Djeeper1987 48M

8/18/2006 8:30 pm

Geez, that sucks!! Sorry to hear that.

(shakes your hand)

Carpe Diem


PurplePeach72 replies on 8/19/2006 1:32 pm:
Thanks for your concern
steve

(turning handshake into a man hug...lol...)

sexyariesgirl 59F

8/18/2006 5:43 pm

Steve....I really don't know what to say sweetie! I do know from personal experience that until I was ready to stop running...no one and no thing could keep me from running. My Sweet Baby waited so patiently for me....and I hurt him so terribly so many times. It breaks my heart when I look back over the year he and I have known each other...at how many times I broke his heart. Simply because I could NOT STAY. BUT...I always came back to him. I don't know what the answers are for you and LeeAnn....but as I told her in her post my thoughts and prayers are with both of you. I wish you only the best.

Power To FOK


PurplePeach72 replies on 8/18/2006 6:54 pm:
Thank you, I am glad you were able go back. My arms are open and I am hoping.
Steve

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