80 headed west  

Ocean_Lite 38F
24 posts
8/18/2005 1:37 am

Last Read:
6/8/2006 3:56 pm

80 headed west

backcountry. somewhere in utah

i was going to see greg but i got too scared

i drove out to utah that weekend from memphis. about an hour from ogden i stopped the car. in the middle of nowhere. i, of course had my board with me. whenever i get scared i have to do something i know i can win. i stopped the car somewhere on 80, still headed west. i grabbed my boots out of the backseat and the rest of my stuff. i sat down on the shoulder of the highway. every now and then a car would drive by me. honking and waving to me. i smiled and finished putting on all my gear. grabbed my headphones and bag off the front passenger seat and started my hike. it was a lot longer than i had planned on it being but i didnt mind. anticipation makes the outcome incredible. i was listening to lifehouse. number 7 from their first cd. over and over

i still hear that song whenever im in utah

i still see utah whenever i hear that song

i finally got to the bottom and looked up. still more people honking and yelling. they wanted to be me. but still i kept looking up. and i started walking again. this time towards the clouds. i started my climb around 830 that morning. i didnt make it to the top until after 1. when i finally got there i looked down to the bottom. still even higher than i had imagined it to be. it was okay now. i had made it. i took the space blanket out of my bag and put it on the middle of the top of my mountain. i couldnt breathe for awhile. it hurt. everything took my breath away and just kept it as its own. i needed it back but i really dont think i cared too much. take away my air but leave all the beauty around me. thats fair

i cried so much that afternoon. for all of the people who would never have this feeling i felt. who couldnt see what i saw. for everything i hadnt become yet. for everything i already wasnt

then i wrote. for what seemed like an eternity. the sun had started to move west and i could tell it was tired. so was i. i had driven over 1500 miles with no sleep and was now on top of my mountain. i packed up my notebook and blanket and changed my music. i needed something loud, fast and full of angst. what better than rage against the machine? started the music, put it on pause at a perfect place to jump off from. i strapped on my boots and took my board off my bag. i took pictures before i left. i wanted to somehow remember exactly how i felt at exactly that moment

after putting everything away i stepped into my bindings and made sure they were tight. grabbed my goggles and pulled my hair into a pony tail under my hat. i hit the pause button again and stood between two trees. when he screamed i did the same and pushed off. i jumped so hard i thought i would break my jaw

i flew

harder and faster

pushing myself deeper and farther into the snow. i had to win. but i wanted it to last so i slowed down and started making long carvings into a path created and destroyed by me alone. i couldnt keep it up for too long before i had to let go again. racing downward. flying away from everything. from myself

fuck you for leaving! fuck you for giving up! fuck you for taking all of me and walking away! youre helpless! all you do is take! you leave people empty! fuck you for that! fuck you for breathing! fuck you for wasting a precious heart beat!

and i flew even faster away from it. from you

i finally reached the bottom. now sweaty, pulse racing, adrenaline flowing through nerve. shaking and exhausted. i sat down. facing the mountain. i stared until my eyes became frozen with the view. i laughed as tears ran down my face. i laughed at all my fear i had just conquered that was my own.

i took off my board and walked back to the car. it was 7 that night when i sat down in the drivers seat

i finally drove into ogden and checked into a hotel. i slept from the moment my head hit the pillow. and it was a beautiful sleep. a beautiful day. and beautiful dreams. exhausted beautiful dreams

ive never tried to find my mountain again. it lived for everything i needed that day. i probably wont ever look for it. ill just see it when i dream

rm_lpdrago 40M
2 posts
8/18/2005 10:43 am

Sometimes just words on a page spark an inner experience that moves the same what and just as powerfully as something external to us that catches our eye and stirs our senses. Sometimes I think the most interesting sense is that sense that all of your senses are there, good well as bad, waiting ... waiting for you ... to be awakened, to do their job so that you can drink life in to its fullest ... experience it with every molecule... every fiber of your mind and heart and every part of your body, experience it down to the smallest moments ... the moments between thought ... the moments between breath ... the moments between the beats of a heart ... the moments that softly silence all fears and doubts in the mystery and the wonder that sweeps us away beyond all thought...

Dissolving together only in a place where you have conquered all your fears and left with this growing anticipation of opening up to something new. As you feel the excitement of this possibility moving through you ... as you feel yourself and your opening for this opportunity ... and realize how deeply you long to have this, how could you possibly deny yourself or settle for anything less? Nothing else brings fulfillment ... every moment brings more and more desire for it ... you feel yourself melting with the heat that is generated for it ...

Just like pushing yourself deeper and farther into the snow ... harder and faster ... making long carvings into a path ... but now creating and joining with a new direction ... exploring and consuming as you yourself are consumed with the same passion and the pleasure of it. How do you imagine your first joining ... slowly ... quickly ... a little bit ... all the way? How do you imagine the rhythm building ... ebbing and flowing, waxing and waning like the passing of the seasons ... as you feel it building ... closer to the edge of it and then ... right over, melting in the waves of sweet oblivion? And if you give yourself permission ... true permission ... to see these thoughts ... find them running through your mind during days and filling dreams at night ... until that line between dream and reality blurs and you find that it has become real ... with the action of your taking the action that has to MAKE it happen ... and you imagine looking back on having experienced it with a fond sigh as a treasured memory you will keep forever, something you can draw upon for the rest of your life.

rm_jmac2876 42M

8/19/2005 7:45 pm

Writen words rarely supply the solitude that truely express lonelyness. Today, clearly thru these words I felt a pain that redefines a persons perspective to give them the outlook on life that makes outstanding. Exceptional piece of ones emotions!

Snap_99 31M

8/22/2005 7:08 pm

Wow, what an intense post. You really had me glued to the screen reading that. Thanks!

rm_luke69iner 49M
3275 posts
9/3/2005 11:04 pm

absolutely beautiful


best wishes


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo

grizzguy4u 58M

11/2/2005 12:11 pm

i am catching up on some reading...obviously!
with your wink a couple months ago, i wanted to find out more about you...and wow! deep emotional prose! we tend to vent in the vein of what is most comforting to us...not warm and fuzzy all the time...sometimes it is all out external expression of our inner feelings...and you have an extreme bent to that method...others paint or run or bike or (fill in the blank)...and yet never to go back to that expressive vault into release...truly cleansing moment it seemed to me...W-O-W!!!

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