The voices in my head are winning....  

Nikki_Starr 42F
12 posts
12/12/2005 11:10 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The voices in my head are winning....

I'm afraid the voices in my head just may win this time.....Tonight, when I was talking to my friend on here, who knows what I feel before I type it, and who is probably, in all honesty if he'd just admit it, my true alter ego, I'm reminded again I'll always be just a piece of ass. He is tired of talking to my tits and I don't send pics of my face. I haven't moved mountains to meet him and we really do share a connection. He might drive all the way out here and I might be ugly....um....ok, backup....wow...I might be ugly....DUH....I am ugly motherfucker!!! My insides are as black as coal. If you ask me if I'm hot I'll tell you no. In fact, even when I can see in a man's eyes that he thinks I'm hot, I still do not believe it. I still think he only wants me cuz I give good head or my pussy is tight. And, even though I have decided that I deserve to be someone's Dream girl I hate me. I hate the things I have done to survive, and I hate the things I will probably continue to do to thrive....I hate that all the men my age have WALLS as big as they say their penis is, and no one will take a chance until the other person takes a chance. It's a ridiculous tug of war that just about drives me more mad than I already am. I also hate that I can't sleep when I want, and then, when I have something I NEED to do, OF COURSE, I can't stay awake. If you could see me now you'd see me banging my head against the fucking keyboard in frustration....yes that is the l key stuck on my cheek.

yet....

Here I am...again...hoping....and thinking maybe it might work this time, maybe. FUCK maybe...it's so not my style. I WANT YES...definitely, MORE, INTENSE, even if you are not as beautiful as Angelina Jolie I will love you PASSION. Do you even hear me....if you listen really close, you'll hear my heart beating...and if you look at me.....you'll see I am not invisible and I matter. And guess what? I'll love you even if you don't look like Brad Pitt....*sigh*

Damnit....I am truly my worst enemy.


rm_thomasamoht 37M
18 posts
12/12/2005 11:34 pm

Yes, many people are afraid to take the first step. If someone else takes the chance, they have no risks.

People are difficult to deal with on occasion. Ok, more than just occasionally.


rm_turtleBurp 45F
1273 posts
12/13/2005 2:28 am

You want a man to want you for more than sex but you'll only send him pics of your tits... I just dont get it babe!

Best saying i ever heard for occasions like this was: if you dont like the fish you're catching, change the bait!

Hope you find what you're looking for hun.


im_your_man77 40M
961 posts
12/13/2005 3:17 am

It takes time, [paitence, honesty and trust to get what you so obviously desire. With all those thing some one will come along and just understand who you are, and love every thing about you. Even those things you don't love about yourself he will love those too, why because they make you what you are. I really hope this guy you speak of does get is act together, if not someone else will.


FriendlybutKinky 50M

12/13/2005 6:22 am

Being open to being loved is being open to pain. Being able to love oneself, no matter what we don't like about ourself, opens us up to the potential of being loved.

Life can be cruel, but if we get listen carefully and watch closely, it gives us moments of happiness beyond our wildest dreams.


bardicman 51M

12/13/2005 10:30 am

I think the voices in your head need to be replaced by just one voice.
Its a softer kinder voice.. A voice that calls softly to you.
Nikki... Nikki....you are not all black on the inside.. This is your walls that you have protecting you...

nikki... nikki... you are soft and loving and honest and hurting but you are still a beautiful human being... you cannot be complete if you do not allow yourself to care...

nikki.... nikki..... You must love yourself and allow yourself to be loved.... Do not let the blackness roll over you and consume you.... Be who you want to be not who you think you have to be.....

Nikki.... nikki..... Grow in the pain and overcome it.. do not shrink inside it and get lost in the maelstrom




I am not dead yet


drollin73 44M
1 post
12/13/2005 11:19 am

Whatever if you can't handle you, what do you think others will do?
ODAAT


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