Playing it Safe  

Nightguy_1961 56M
3324 posts
7/6/2006 12:01 am

Last Read:
7/28/2006 2:27 pm

Playing it Safe

This is in response to a post by [blog kelli4u2dew] on her blog about meeting someone for the first time in real time after dealing with them on-line. She wrote a great post, I'm horny as a cat in heat, but don't let the title throw you; it is a good post and something to think about. I posted this in the magazine on this site, but I think this is a good place to put it as well. NG61

Okay I'm not one to preach to others on how to conduct their personal business. But, over the past few weeks, I've been hearing from others on what to do when meeting someone from online for the first time in r/t.

The motivation for this post comes from too many horror stories about people getting ripped off, embarrassed, hurt, or even killed when they go to meet someone they've only talked to on-line.

I know, I know; You're thinking: "Hey, we're all grown ups here! We can do as we please!" I'm not saying anything against that, BUT...for cryin' out loud, use just a wee bit of common sense.

Some of my thoughts:

-If someone is begging for a meet right off the bat, be a little wary. Nothing wrong with being eager, but be cautious.

-Find out who you're dealing with. If someone is a bit hesitant about personal information, but still insists on meeting...something's not quite right. I'm not saying you need a life history, but name, address, phone number, references, and the like are good to get. If they don't want to give that, start steppin'. There are ways to find out information about someone using only their real name and hometown...just ask.

References - In a network like AdultFriendFinder, chances are the person you want to meet is known by others. Ask around about who you're meeting. This is almost a requirement in the BDSM lifestyle, but it's appropriate for anybody...imho.

Meet first in a public place; a bar, a restaurant, someplace like that. NEVER agree to meet in the hotel room for the first meet!!! Guys, this applies to you, too. Ever heard of the 'badger game'? You're with a woman, getting intimate. Suddenly, the door bursts open & an angry man storms in, wanting to know 'what in the hell are you doing with my woman?'. The 'game' is they are willing to let bygones be bygones...for a price.

Let someone know where you'll be. Just like letting someone know your travel plans before a trip, let someone know what hotel you'll be at, who you're meeting, where you're meeting, et al. Give your friend(s) the information about who you're meeting , so they'll know.

Set up a safe call I cannot stress the importance of safe calls!!! A safe call is when you are scheduled to call your friend at a certain time. If they don't hear from you at the appointed time, they hit the panic button. If possible, the friend(s) will come looking for you. The contact should call the police dept. where you're at, so they can check and make sure you're okay. Don't think it can be done? I've heard of someone in California calling across the country to the east coast and alerting the police when the safe call wasn't received at the appointed time. And with the availability of cell phones, there's no excuse.

GTFO!!! If you meet this person and something just feels wrong, GetTheF*ckOout!!! Screw the hotel reservation, air fare...whatever! GTFO!! The money for a hotel reservation can be replaced, can you?

Sorry if I seem a bit paranoid...I just don't like to see people get hurt when they play. I always remember reading about a guy who was charming, handsome, intelligent...and when he was executed, he was linked to as many as 300 unsolved murders,maybe more. His name? Ted Bundy.

As I've said before, "Once an Enforcer...always an Enforcer"

©NG61 2006

PurplePeach72 45F  
9199 posts
7/6/2006 1:18 am

Very good advise! But I wouldn't expect any less from the wisest of Dark Sages! I haven't gone back and commented on all of the new stories, but they are all wonderful and have kept up my spirits while I'm sick! Thanks,


Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 1:46 am:
Thanks, LeeAnn...hope you feel better soon.....

willing2tryit42 41M
1141 posts
7/6/2006 2:52 am

Cool post....... and informative!!!!!

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 1:49 am:
Thanks...glad you liked it....

mycin62 56F

7/6/2006 2:58 am

Very good advice

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 1:49 am:
Glad you enjoyed it....thank you...


7/6/2006 3:29 am

Excellent post.. I have many friends with horror stories and had to learn the hard way..
You should always let someone know where you are and who with..and if somthing does not feel right or seem right.. it aint right..

Just recently had a male friend meet a woman for lunch.. It did not click and she did not like the rejection. But even before they left the restaurant she copied his tag from his car..and became a stocker from hell... somehow got all his info..

Be careful.. If I was singel I would onlt meet at M&G..

to add to this.. If your going to a party from this site.. know what kind of party it is.. there are so many kinds..make sure you understand the crowd and theme..

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 1:51 am:
I hear you about the stalker bit....I've been told several incidents like that...

Good advice about the parties and can't blame the first time visitor to a BDSM party if they weren't told what kind of party it was going to be...


EroticaXTC 51F

7/6/2006 3:53 am

This is an excellent post Night!!! I have such a gut instinct that the back of my neck crawls...and I know it's saved me from something unpleasant many times over when I was younger and much less informed.
But not everyone has that ability. Being consciously aware is imperative. The Ted Bundy reference was right on the money!!{=}

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:27 am:
Erotica, my friend, I would imagine that you would have such an instinct, considering your line of work...I would hate to imagine something happening to you...

One of the oldest warrior maxims is "Always be aware of your surroundings." This doesn't only apply to the battlefield, but to any human endeavor...

Thank you for your comment....

mysticdreamangel 62F
2759 posts
7/6/2006 4:11 am

This would be an excellent post for any dating and/or adult site. I had the type of experience you described four years ago...all I can say is thank goodness for an elderly couple with a cell phone who had no fear. Who knew that having someone walk me to my car could turn out so horribly wrong!


Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:31 am:

I'm glad that couple had a cell phone as well.

When I used to work as a bouncer at strip clubs, one of my unofficial functions was to walk the dancers to their never knew when a patron would be waiting outside for them, or a jealous girlfriend/wife of a patron would be waiting...

Another good suggestion would be to meet at a place where they have valet parking.....but that might be pushing things a bit...

Thank you....

MaggiesWishes 61F

7/6/2006 4:16 am

You can never be too careful.
Great advice and excellent message for ALL of us.
Thank you for looking out for our well being.

warm huggies 2ya, Dark One

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:31 am:
Bright One,

Just some common sense ideas, nothing more...

Thanks....good to talk to you last night

sexyariesgirl 59F

7/6/2006 4:28 am

Great advice! When I was meeting people I always let someone know where I was...always called upon arrival. I had a friend who was a State Trooper....had his number on speed dial just in case!

Power To FOK

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:32 am:
Good for you!!!

Thanks for your comment...

red_hot_trucker 59F

7/6/2006 4:51 am

Always good to be reminded to be safe. Thank you.

[post 1785076]

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:32 am:
You're quite welcome, thank you for your comment...

rm_CuummDrop 50F
2591 posts
7/6/2006 5:20 am

Great Post NG!! *linked this post back to mine... hope You don't mind,,,... *S*


Now won't last forever, so use it wisely~c

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:33 am:
I don't mind at all, thank you....

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
7/6/2006 5:54 am

This is a great post! And if you don't mind, I'm going to refer a few people to it that I worry about on here.. Thanks NG for being our enforcer!

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:34 am:
I don't mind at all, go right ahead. In fact, I'm honored that you would do so....

Thank you....

ohcurious14 60M  
1684 posts
7/6/2006 7:00 am

This post is a great one and should remind everyone to always be cautious.

Ohcurious14---Aimlessly wandering & curious

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:35 am:

HBowt2 60F

7/6/2006 7:00 am

great post NG...and still remember that something can go wrong...even with all those in place...

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:36 am:
What's the classic quote, "Even the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry..."

You're absolutely correct about things could still go wrong; that's why safe calls and such should be in place...


TheLilFondler 34F
2576 posts
7/6/2006 7:35 am

wonderful advise and awesome post!

i lost my virginity years ago.....
but i still have the box.....

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:37 am:
Thank you, Lil One, for reading it....

Shameless_Biotch 50F

7/6/2006 7:36 am

Thanks for being our Night Guardian and Dispenser of Wisdom To Help Keep Us Safe

***feeling the love***

Very sound g/f's and I always leave a safe call when we meet someone for the first time...and I always meet in a public place first, too...I have a few bars, restaurants near me that I use to meet, they are comfortable places to me because I am known there...I even use the waitstaff to help me deicide if he's cool or not!!That way, you have witnesses and a description of who you were with left behind, to tell the police, should anything happen...
also, meeting during the day seems to cut down on the KNOW the kind of people that are UP ALL NIGHT...LOL



Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:38 am:
Good idea about meeting in a place where the staff knows's always good to have backup.

Thank you, but I think [blog kelli4u2dew] deserves credit for putting this in my head for this post...

Thanks again...

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
7/6/2006 9:30 am

Great post! People from this site wonder sometimes why I'm so paranoid, I won't even give out my phone # until after I've met someone for the first time. I call them from a pay phone to talk before we set up a date. And yeah, Ted Bundy is one of my nightmares. You look at pics of him, and understand why women would let him close.

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:40 am:

No, thank you for the mental kick in my ass to post this...and after what you've shared with me and others, it's perfectly understandable why you are so cautious...I don't blame you one damn bit.

Bundy was something else; even the judge who sentenced him to death acknowledged the fact that he was a charming, intelligent man...

Thanks....don't worry, you know I wouldn't let anything happen to you

lightswitch1963 70M/54F

7/6/2006 9:38 am

We have rules on that. We have a friend that we trust that is not in the lifestyle, and we let him know when we have meetings. The who, what , when, and where.....the why is obvious.LOL. They usually come to our home. We have the upper hand there. Not to mention two Dobermans. We both know how to defend ourselves, and a friend knows what's going on. Don't think I'd ever go for the motel thing. That is a little risky....especially alone. There are people on here I'd love to meet, you and your lady included. We have already built trust. Webcamming and IM help, too. At least with the cam, you see them before you meet them. And, just because they are legal age, that does not make them adults....come to work with me some time, I'll prove it. Sorry so long...

We'll leave the light on for you.

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:42 am:
After working in this hotel for almost 8 years, I know what you mean about being legal age, but not being adults...I saw it every weekend I worked.

Good idea about using your own home, but wouldn't some people be a little shy about going to your home for a first meet? Just curious, mind you...


ButteryDelight 60F

7/6/2006 10:10 am

Great post filled with great advie NG. It's being smart to be cautious.

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:43 am:
Thank you, BD...glad you liked it...

silverbreeze2 67F

7/6/2006 11:16 am

I agree with the others, VERY good advice!! You can never be too cautious, and I hope everyone will follow this advice. Better safe than sorry! Great Post!

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:43 am:
Thank can only hope that people will heed what others have been through....


7/6/2006 12:58 pm

This is a must for the more unseasoned! Oh thank you NG! I am going to go link this at a few peeps. These are some of the pieces of advice I have been giving but even better! You are sexy, intelligent and always looking out

just a squirrel trying to get a nut

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:44 am:
If you keep saying any MO compliments, you're going to make me blush...

Thank you...see you later...we hope

saddletrampsk 55F

7/6/2006 1:39 pm

awesome post

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:45 am:
Thank you....glad you enjoyed it and welcome to the Fortress....

NSAAddict 43F

7/6/2006 3:41 pm

Excellent post NG, there are so many who will benefit from reading it. The only thing I can add and that's because I'm super paranoid, is not to let your guard down after the first meet either. Yes I go by instinct and can usually tell by the first meet if I'll have a problem but I don't trust easily and my guardian knows about every time I meet with someone 3,4 even 5 dates in until I have truly established that they mean me no harm. You can never be safe enough and common sense goes a long way. Thanks for sharing this important information

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:46 am:

Good idea about the multiple meetings...

question: Do you think that the blogs help to get to know a person a little better? I mean, a lot of people show themselves in their writing and it's always easy to go back and see inconsistancies in what they write...

Just curious...

Thank you for your comment...

rm_Twister2bed 48M
617 posts
7/6/2006 4:00 pm

Sound advise NG, I'll admit I hadn't thought of a safe call, I guess as a guy I think I'm invincible but do any of us really know who we are meeting for the first time? Your right you can never play it too safe.

Great Post.

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:50 am:

A retired trucker told me about a highjacking scam that used to be used: A drop dead gorgeous girl would be standing by the road, trying to flag down a trucker. Truck would stop, and out of the brush, a couple of armed guys would rush the truck and hijack it.

Now, think about that same gorgeous girl, but she's waiting in a hotel room for you....think about it. I mean, I can handle myself and I'm licensed to carry a handgun, but 2 or more guys is a bit much...

Thanks for your comment...

Mermaidslut 51F

7/6/2006 5:34 pm

I will add a few things.

1.) Never give out your home phone number or use your cell phone for first few contacts. Calling cards are the WAY to go. They are untraceable.

2.) First time you met a stranger, only for coffee or tea, not for dinner cause that would be too long of a meeting. Re ask them questions you have already asked, to see if they give you new answers. If they do, they are lying about something and can't remember what lies they told you.

3.) During your meeting, hand them your cell phone so they can chat with your friend. THEN they KNOW someone else knows where you are and WHY. I had a friend ask my date while we were having ice tea, knowledgable questions about his job, while I was holding his hands. I felt comfortable he was not lying to me cause he couldnt refer to any notes and answered quickly with consistancy to what he told me before we met. When I went to his place for the first time, I handed him the phone again, with a guy friend on the phone to confirm the address and phone number of where I would be. I know he had to be trusting of ME, and everything I told him, to let me walk in the door of his home after that...

4.) Until you get to know someone, bring your own drinks/ food. if you go out, never take your eye off of it, or order a new one if you have to get up for any reason whatsoever.

5.) If you let them pick the place, arrive early to scope it out and make sure you feel comfortable there. Call it off if you don't, before even meeting them. Too many fish in the sea to risk going against your gut instinct.

I have other rules, but then I am a chicken so I think lots of things up. Some people I know insist on a valid ID, that they then photo copy and leave with someone they trust before they will go out on a date with someone new. All kinda rules. But the best one to remember, is stay in control, especially when it comes to anything mind altering.

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:53 am:
I have talked with the safe call contact for the other person when we've met with someone...always a good idea.

Good advice about the questions....

Also, we've met people during the day, not at night. The only exception was when wickedeasy came down to visit; she arrived late at night...couldn't be avoided. But the three of us had built a trust between us over the past year, so none of us felt uncomfortable.

There is nothing chicken about looking out for yourself; don't ever forget that...

Thank you for your ideas.....

sassy1296 52F

7/6/2006 5:36 pm

Great post. It is really helpful for people just starting out here as well as the ones that have been here as a reminder.

There is never a case of being to cautious when meeting someoen for the first time.

Thank you for blogging it.

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:53 am:

Thank you for your kind comment and welcome to the Fortress...

twirly_girl 48F

7/6/2006 6:14 pm

All are perfectly sane things to do
when meeting for the first time.
Safety first.


Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:56 am:
I couldn't agree more....thank you.

rm_madro40 52M

7/6/2006 9:12 pm

Great advise, thanks for the post. I hope people take heed.

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 2:57 am:
I hope so, too...

Thanks and welcome to the Fortress....

fancy_for_you 41F
3014 posts
7/6/2006 10:29 pm

Looks around sheepishly and thinks oh boy am I in for it when you hear this.

It's kind of funny that you posted this and I read it tonight. I logged on here and had a email from a man who is local to me. I decided hey what the hell lets answer him see what he's like. I gave him my yahoo ID so we could chat and get to know each other. He IM's me. Things seem ok. Only thing is I asked him about his job and he said he couldn't tell me because he didn't want to get a bad rep...I can somewhat understand that. So I kinda hinted at what I do and so then he told me about his job finally.

He then asked me to come see him tonight. I am thinking whoa slow down and I say as much. Telling him I can't. I tell him maybe once we get to know each other better. He then starts talking about how I have him hard already and I am like how so since we haven't been talking about sex other than me asking him if he was disease free. He responds with saying just the thought of me giving him a hand job made him hard.

Anyways the convo continued. He gave short one word answers mostly. Then he starts talking about anal sex and just won't drop the topic. And I lead the topic somewhere else. Somehow we end up talking yet again about him wanting me to come see him. I said where would we meet and he said here at my house. I try changing topic again and somehow he gets me to give him my phone number ..... which I NEVER give out unless someone assures me they are ok people.

He gets me on the phone and then preceeds to beg me to come visit him TONIGHT. Which I continue to say no to. He then talks me into meeting him Saturday, but he wants to meet at his house. And somehow I agreed. Yeah I know stupid stupid me. Now I am trying to think of a polite way to say I am not comfy meeting at his house. Infact thinking back on the convo I don't think I wanna meet this man at all now. He talked me into doing some things on the phone that I would have NEVER EVER DONE EVER, and that scares the hell outta me. If he can talk me into things on the phone what will he do in person? Then he gets to talking about how later on in the relationship I can just leave my key outside for him to be able to get in on his own. And then starts talking about f**king my ass again.

Now I am gonna ask if anyone knows this id let me know please: up2pleeaseU2

Sorry for hijacking your blog NG. And any advice about this would be very very appreciated.



Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 3:02 am:

No need to apologize about speaking your mind, go right ahead.

Sounds like you ran up against a real eager beaver with this guy. Glad you backed off from him. I think because this is a sex site, some people think that as soon as they strike up a conversation with someone of the opposite sex, the next step is to fall into bed. My opinion, it doesn't work that way in real time, so what makes this any different.

It sounds like the guy might be married and trying to get some action on the side, what with all the dodging the questions about his job and such...

Bottom line, I wouldn't meet with him...period. Something doesn't sound right...

Let us know what happens with thism, okay? If need be, email me or post on your blog about this....

Thank you....

NSAAddict 43F

7/7/2006 5:14 am

Nightguy_1961 replies on 7/7/2006 5:46 am:

Good idea about the multiple meetings...

question: Do you think that the blogs help to get to know a person a little better? I mean, a lot of people show themselves in their writing and it's always easy to go back and see inconsistancies in what they write...

I agree with you NG, I do read all of a person's blog if one is available to get a feel for their personality, and yes you can tell a lot about their psyche from the way they write. It can be a double edged sword sometimes though, you know too much and you develop your own idea of them in your head that might conflict with the real person...

eclecticsoul4u 58F
942 posts
7/7/2006 10:18 am

Good Luck on your new adventure!!!! I've enjoyed your stories immensely and look forward to your return.

Mistress_Nessa 41F

7/7/2006 12:17 pm

I have to agree, this is very good advice! Worth remembering... thank you NG for the reminder.

Fuzzy... I think that at this point politeness is really the last thing you should worry about, it is quite obvious that if there was nothing wrong with this guy, he wouldn't mind meeting at a public place, making sure that you were comfortable. If he's made you agree to things that you're not ok with over the phone, it makes me wonder about the type of power he can have over you while you're in his presence... alone... in his home... Let's not forget that the mind of most of those serial killers, such as the previously mentioned Ted Bundy, tends to be very cunning and advanced. I've read that some of these people tend to have a very high IQ, can also be very charming, and have the ability to talk people into doing things that they normally wouldn't do.

Considering all of the statements I've mentioned, plus the fact that I've taken it upon my self to do a search for that handle you posted, and it seems there's no record of that handle ever existing, leads me to believe that this person, whoever he is, probably created the account, contacted you, and deleted the account. There's no record of this person being in any groups, having a blog, posted to anyone's blog or anything of the sort. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I personally wouldn't meet him.

I urge you to forget about politeness, and think about more important things, such as your life.

~ Nessa ~

adbacula 38M

7/8/2006 11:03 am

Hi NG61,

Thank you. I'm new here and worried about safety. The more posts about this, the better! I think many of us here appreciate your views. They always seem genuine and thoughtful.

Whispersoftly5 53F
15176 posts
7/9/2006 4:14 pm

This is all really great advice. I already practive a lot of it, but learned a couple of things too. Thank you very much!


BadAssBlonde1 58F
4989 posts
3/24/2007 10:03 pm

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