An Update....and an Explanation  

Nightguy_1961 56M
3324 posts
5/31/2006 1:52 am

Last Read:
6/4/2006 2:29 am

An Update....and an Explanation

I trust that everyone had a pleasant long weekend. I survived, my lady is back, and once again, I'm back behind the front desk doing the night auditor gig. whoopdef*ckindoo

***********


Thanks to all of you who posted to the party in the Dark Fortress. I guess I'll be busy writing out a story for this one...stay tuned.

***********


Next weekend, June 9th is the South Eastern Leather Fest in Atlanta. For those of you into the BDSM Lifestyle, or for those of you curious about it, this would be a wonderful opportunity to have fun. Google SELF or Southeast Leather Fest for more info...my lady and I were planning to go, but I'm afraid that our plans may have to be cancelled.

**********


Now, to try to explain my last post So tired:

I only come online when I am at work and I've caught up on my paperwork. I try to take care of my house, pay bills, get the groceries, etc, etc. So I'm not one of those who spends his time online 24/7; I have a life away from here. I read several blogs during my free time at work. Some are humorous, some are thought-provoking. Then there are those where the writer is asking for advice. Hey, no problem...I don't mind offering advice.

But I was starting to notice a pattern: A lot of those who I offered advice to never have bothered to come read my blog. So it made me think, "These people want others to come in and offer solace when they are hurting or upset...where's the reciprocity?" Stupid on my part, maybe...but there it is.

Another thing, I wrote that post sometime last week. After writing it, I swore that I would not post it. Now understand this, I share what I write with my lady. When she read So tired, she suggested adding the line about 'I would feel despair, if my lady weren't there...' or whatever I wrote. I debated on adding the line; hell, I debated on even writing the damn post!! But I did, and I added the line.

I wasn't surprised at the majority of the comments I received, though the ones who said it was wonderful caught me off-guard (I thought I was being a bummer, to be honest...). But with the addition of the reference to my lady, the spirit of the post changed somewhat.

Yes, my lady is there for me; but......

There are some things that even she cannot help me with at times. And this thought ran through my mind: What if my lady wasn't even in the picture? What then?

U2 wrote the song, "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". Haven't we all felt that way? A friend calls life 'work in progress'....what if there is something that will make the work complete? Don't ask me...I don't have a f*ckin' clue what it is that would make it complete for me.

Yes, I know....that last line marks me as a complete and utter SOB in the eyes of many. "But you have your lady!", you say, "Isn't that enough?" Yes, she is....so that is why I battle with myself most of the time.

I have had opportunities to meet with other ladies....with her permission....and see what happens. But there are so many conflicting emotions that play within me....what about her feelings? Is this person for real or are they just jerking my chain? WTF am I doing?

Those that know me in real time know who and what I am. But there are some things that even they don't know. Still, in their helpfulness, they offer advice...so much so that I'm now betwixt and between.

I'm almost at the point that I don't know who to trust anymore.....I know, call me psycho. If I could, I'd disappear. But I can't...real life stares me in the face. I can't just pack up and run off somewhere; I've got responsibilities to handle.

So I guess the bottom line is this: I will keep what's eating me bottled up...it is nobody's concern but my own. I will keep my writing on an even keel; for nobody wants to read depressing sh*t. And if my comments to your blog seems a bit on the cynical, cutting side....then I apologize in advance to you.

For even at my age, I cannot forget the image of the kid who was stood up for his prom by a girl who turned around and went with his best friend. I still hear the phrase, "You're like a brother to me..." (C'mon guys.....you remember that line, now don't you?) And I still feel that gawky 14 year old kid pop up every now and then inside my head....

So if I appear bitter and cynical at times, bear with me...I come by it naturally....

NG61....once again, fading back into the darkness to become one with the shadows....


BadAssBlonde1 58F
4989 posts
5/31/2006 2:04 am

I'll reserve my comments for real time. You know how to locate me if you wish.

For all Time,
Lady Hunter


After all the sex is gone, there is the mind - Lady Hunter / BAB

Copyright © House of Lady Hunter 1998-2009


Nightguy_1961 replies on 5/31/2006 2:49 am:
Understood....and appreciated.......

rm_5Hawkeye6 62M

5/31/2006 2:54 am

Well, greetings from a fellow MOD/NA, Nightguy.

I've just gotten around to reading your blog as of last night. Read many of your comments on other's blogs though - just haven't had the time to get here yet. Guess my hotel's busier than your's, heh, heh.

You have a really cool blog though, and some very interesting ideas.

I don't have any advice for you except, perhaps, to recognize that sleep deprivation can have weird effects on one's psyche without one becoming fully aware of it until it's become a problem. Just a thought
- I don't really know you well enough to comment further.

Hang in there.


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:38 am:
Welcome to the Fortress.....sorry that you came to visit on a bit of a downer.

I know all about sleep deprivation.....trouble is, I don't get affected by that too much. My problem is that I deal with clinical depression on a day to day basis....some days are better than others, some are worse....

Anyway, it seems that there are three of us who work the night shift at hotels...maybe we need to form a group here on this site....

Thanks for your comment.....

rm_PurryKitty2 49M/51F
9753 posts
5/31/2006 3:50 am

Teenagers can be so cruel. She would die if she saw you now and regret saying "You are like a brother" Plus I am sure you are a better lover than he was!!!!

Purry {=}

Purry


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:41 am:
Purry,

Funny story....years later, she came up to me backstage at a community theater production where I was playing a character in The Music Man and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink or 'something'....

I told her thanks, but no thanks....I had other plans (I had just gotten custody of my son and he needed to go home and go to bed)...

I don't know about being a better lover....though I haven't gotten any complaints lately....

Thanks, lady....and good luck on your search....

libgemOH 57M/53F

5/31/2006 3:57 am

L, why does this sound like shame for being who you are? This is you, the good, the bad and the ugly. Please stop apologizing for it and celebrate it instead. You, the good, the bad and the ugly are all the things that I truly care about, not your cynicism, not your advice, not cheerfulness. Just you! Like BAB up above, you know how to contact me in real life too and I am here and would love to talk about this more! -B


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:42 am:
Thanks B....maybe one night we can talk about this more.....L

rm_PeanutJackie 37F
1286 posts
5/31/2006 4:05 am

i agree with libgemOH. This almost sounds like you are ashamed of who you are. We all have our faults, believe me, I ain't no angel or perfect person either. Hell I don't even think there IS such thing as perfect. Can you imagine how boring that would be?

Anyway, i just wanted to say that i completely understand what you are saying, as i have felt the same way for a very long time. Growing up, i was the one who all my friends came to when they needed advice. And in some cases, it's still the same way today. But where are/were those friends when i need/ed them the most? Absolutely nowhere to be found. I have absolutely no one that i am still in contact with from High School, who were supposed to be my closest friends. In all honesty, i don't have any friends outside of the computer. Sure, there are people that i'll get together with occasionally, but my phone never rings unless it's a bill collector or my mom, and my IM never gets used unless i send a message to someone first. Sometimes i feel so alone.

So yeah, i know EXACTLY what you speak of....

"I am beautiful no matter what you say, words can't bring me down. So don't you bring me down today."


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:43 am:
PJ, It's not so much ashamed in who I am as much as I am ashamed of some of the thoughts that go through my head at times....

About the IM and such....you and my lady need to talk.....trust me on this....

Thanks...and I like the new picture very much.....

MaggiesWishes 61F

5/31/2006 4:41 am

I was once told, "I like the person you are when you are with me." It took me awhile to realize that He made me a better person in many ways. I appreciate me more.

The YOU that you are, here or in Real Time, is the person we have come to know and appreciate as a friend. I, personally, wouldn't want you any other way.

So, I'll pass this on to you~~
"I like the person, that you are ... here with me, now."

Warm huggies 2ya, Dark One


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:47 am:
If I knew how to blush....I'd be blushing right now.....

Thanks Maggie......

rm_CuummDrop 50F
2591 posts
5/31/2006 6:03 am

In my blog,,, NG, You said Quote (and no paraphrasing here either) *wonders how in the hell he wound up on this list......cause he's nothing special....*

Ummm to some of us You are.. Sir.. Ya wanna know why?... do Ya really?,, Can You handle the truth?...

Well here it goes...

From Day one,, Numero Uno, You treated me with the respect any human being should be shown. Then soon enough You learned to like me, then,, to trust me.. Ya know, thru online situations and such Sir, not many can do that, tis why more often than not, i stay behind my lil gate, my world as i only let a few peek in now and again, and to what,, to only get hurt... So i do know what You speak of,,,... And Yes Sir... SO, with all Your faults, and all Your cynacism's,, i do admire You.. Because You are Real, and Human, have feelings, and let them show, time to time... And, Yes,, a heart.. simply put, You have a heart....

Have a Good Day, Sir, and get some rest...

me~c

Now won't last forever, so use it wisely~c


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:49 am:
Well, I am just me....no more, no less....but thank you.....

still don't know how I made that list......

TheLilFondler 34F
2576 posts
5/31/2006 7:39 am

*gets out from under her table and searches the shadows to offer you a hug, then retreats back to her spot under the table* just remember freind we are here... and you should never keep things bottled up... everyone needs to let that out from time to time believe me i know... otherwise the pressure build and you blow! and that is never a good thing

i lost my virginity years ago.....
but i still have the box.....


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:52 am:
I wish you wouldn't hide under the table....if you were in my care (as a submissive), there is no way you'd hide under any table...I treasure what is mine and I like to show them to the world....

Thanks......

rm_gerson42 53M
2419 posts
5/31/2006 8:35 am

Sometimes I see that a pattern that I support those who cry out for it the most. Although I read your blog often, I do not always post as my perception is that you have a sound sense of yourself. Believe that I will change the pattern a bit. Strengthen the friends and relationships I have as opposed to the continual search for new ones.
ger


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:53 am:
ger,

Your path is your own....don't change it for anyone...I know you're a good man with a big heart...and I respect that.....

now as far as your piano playing skills.....

*grins*

Thanks....

sportsfan362436 48F

5/31/2006 10:02 am

Personally, there is a place tucked away in my heart... my mind... my very soul for both you and Lady. Those of us who are writers.... were before blogging ever existed and will be long after... write from the heart. If there are ones out there who choose to ridicule or condemn for the written word... unfortunately that is life. But, like you have posted time and time again, if you do not like what you read, do not return!
I appreciate not your advice, but your willingness to share your wisdom... (and your words aren't too bad, eiter!! *weg*)
I can only hope one day my path will cross yours and Lady's in r/t.

*Smiles, kisses n hugz*


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:55 am:
sports,

One can only hope that day will come.....

Thanks.....

rm_kelli4u2dew 42F
5220 posts
5/31/2006 10:08 am

Just in case I haven't been explicit enough in the past, I appreciate the kindness you have shown me. You have my email and IM, and you are always welcome. I may not be able to do much more than listen, but I'm pretty good at that.

(signed) The skinny little girl that no one asked to the prom.


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:57 am:
Kelli,

You do far more than listen...you engage in conversation on an adult level...which I do appreciate...and I hope others appreciate your skill at that lost art as well...

Never was asked to the prom....? scandalous, simply scandalous....

Thanks......

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
5/31/2006 10:48 am

We really dont know each other that well, but I hope you understand too that when I am a smartass I am just foolin around and if I didnt like you I wouldnt do it

ps. fuck the prom, I didnt go either!


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 1:59 am:
saintlianna,

Trust me....I'm a smartass emeritis of the old school, so I know one when I meet one....and I do like your style.....

You can fuck the prom if you want to, damn people in my school were too butt-ugly for my taste.....

Thanks....

HBowt2 60F

5/31/2006 12:03 pm

Ok....been busy talking sense into myself for the past week....and here's how it went....the only one that can truly support and love us is ourself....we can have all the people in the world around us...all cheering and supporting us...all giving advice...but unless we work out what we want..unless we take care of ourself it is all useless....we've got to believe in our own value..
Now I can tell you that my perception of you as a person is that you are kind, thoughtful, willing to stand in anyones corner, fair and honest....but none of that means anything if you don't believe it.....
If I was foolish enough to give you advise I would tell you to stop looking outside yourself and look inside....find that person that we all see and own him.....You are spectacular...


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 2:26 am:
Damn, don't mince words...say what's on your mind....*grins*

Seriously, I hear what you're saying...and it's times like this when I just lose sight of that...

Thanks......

waerlookin4fun 51M/47F

5/31/2006 12:13 pm

I read your blog often, but don't always post because I'm not sure what to say. And you have never responded to any of my blogs in a bitter or cynical way. You've always been supportive and I thank you for that.


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 2:26 am:
Thank you...I needed that.....

peaches19555 62M

5/31/2006 12:23 pm

Once out of the bag our feelings are not so easily stuffed back in. You may find yours to be all kneecaps and elbows and no longer fit. You have started this meander. Walk it to its end.


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 2:28 am:
That's why I try to keep things bottled up inside...tough to put the genie back in the bottle, you know?

Thanks.....

ohcurious14 60M  
1684 posts
5/31/2006 12:26 pm

When I. myself get in one of those funks I grin and chuckle and remind myself that "Taz Made me do it"


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 2:29 am:
You know Taz, the wrestler from WWE? wow, can you get me his autograph? *grins*

Thanks....too bad I can't blame anybody but me....

papyrina 52F
21133 posts
5/31/2006 1:53 pm

Some fing friend he was,yep i would still remember that and be pissed off today.

Your blog is for you and you only,we are guests in it,and most of us regular commentors are here for you whether happy,sad,bad,mad,educational or not we like you,honestly your comments here and there,your caring attidude to your life style,your love of your lady and the love she has for you.

I like you,or i should say i like the you that you show to us,he's a good guy ,hugs sweetie


I'm a

and
i'm here to stay


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 2:31 am:
papy,

In defense of the friend, he had no idea about the entire situation until after wards...and from what he told me, the date was a disaster.....

Thanks......Sister Papy....glad to see the convent lets you out on occasion

SacredStarDance

5/31/2006 3:09 pm

agrees with everyone else..There is a reason we keep reading you.. your real..I think you are your worse critic and do not realize how much you have to offer..

you are worthy of loving yourself..

under the stars

under the stars
We choose to write
you choose what you comprehend.
read twice and be nice
every key stroke... has a heart beat


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 2:33 am:
MrsMuff,

Trust me, ever since Bitch #2 left me, I took over the job as my own worse critic....

I keep hearing people say that 'I'm real'....all I'm doing is just being me....

Thanks......

real36CgirlPA 39F

5/31/2006 3:28 pm

I don't think there's a hell of a lot to do in life once the the "work" is complete, though is there?
I went to the senior ball by myself, by the way. I've always been a loner, and always will be, whether I'm dating/married ever or not. I don't think I'll ever accept myself the way I am, but I'm not sure any person truly accepts him/herself as is. I think that is where the drive to push forward originates.

Sorry if this is babblesome. I enjoy visiting your blog and reading your point of view, but usually don't post since it never seems to gel between what I think and what I actually type.


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 2:34 am:
real36,

You're not babblesome at all....and thank you. And if I haven't said it before...welcome to the Fortress.....

Whispersoftly5 53F
15176 posts
5/31/2006 7:55 pm

You're entitled to your feelings sweet man just as much as the next person and you're also entitled to work through things the way that works best for you.

I sure don't feel you need to explain yourself or your feelings and I certainly don't think you need to apologize for something that's not even occurred. Even so, I respect that you feel a need to do those things and appreciate your sincerity.

I won't offer any advice, as I've not walked in your shoes - but I do hope you know you have my respect and friendship and I sure as hell wish I knew how to make it all better for you.

(((HUGS to you sweet friend)))

Whisper...


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 2:36 am:
Thanks Whisper...just was going through a low phase right about now....

You wouldn't want to walk in my shoes...not sure how you'd look in cowboy boots, anyhow.....

MamChelle 49F
1443 posts
5/31/2006 10:47 pm

this little sis thinks she understand somewhat. Just want You to know i appreciate Both of You...and am around but not as much as i was...# the same. Your comments to me have always been right on target with what i needed to be told, and cynicism i am not as afraid of as all that mushy crap anyhow! * shrugs and smiles*


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/1/2006 2:39 am:
chelle,

I guess that was why I left the chatroom....the feeling that I wouldn't be missed...and it would appear that I havene't been missed in the chatroom...no big loss...

But here, I feel that there is a sense of community...a sense of belonging....hard to explain, I know...

Thanks......

TheLilFondler 34F
2576 posts
6/1/2006 12:19 pm

i dont hide under here because of my Dom i hide under here because it is peaceful.... Just as You dont have to hide in the shadows Sweetie... *smiles sweetly...

i lost my virginity years ago.....
but i still have the box.....


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/2/2006 2:38 am:
I hide in the shadows because it is safe for me.....*smiles*

wickedeasy 68F  
31340 posts
6/1/2006 2:02 pm

if you need me
i'm here
always will be
anytime, day or night

i love you, plain and simple

You cannot conceive the many without the one.


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/2/2006 2:39 am:
If I knew how to blush, I'd be blushing right about now....thank you....

TheLilFondler 34F
2576 posts
6/2/2006 3:13 am

and i sit under here because it is safe for me... but i do appreciate Your concern *smiles sweetly

i lost my virginity years ago.....
but i still have the box.....


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/4/2006 2:29 am:
Anytime.....

rm_Melciber 63M
214 posts
6/2/2006 5:13 am

Not knowing whereof you speak. . . .

I say - - - Take it easy on yourself. Trust yourself.

What do I mean when I say "Trust yourself"?

- - - in my opinion NG - - - You do Your thing well enough, and the evidence is there for You to see (and for others to see too) - you have a rich and varied life and can respond to it in a meaningful way.

Now, Don愒 be a Judge on your own Self. - we all try to get to be the worst critic of what we (ourselves) do. . . who gave us the right to do that? Who are we to sit in judgement?

Yes - groceries need to be bought and bills paid - but take it from me (who doesn愒 inhabit AdultFriendFinder 24/7) - - - Going easy on yourself isn愒 an easy way out - it just means you stop giving others a stick to flog yourself with.

"Unto Thine Own Self Be True" - and - "Nehil Prieter Optimum" (Nothing But The Best) are not mutually exclusive - they are one and the same.

<- - - from the One that leads the life of the eternal Blonde Moment. . .


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/4/2006 2:31 am:
I grew up thinking it was far better for me to cut myself down before others stepped up to do the job themselves.....and God knows, there are plenty out there willing to do just that.....

rm_daveman45nz 57M
42 posts
6/2/2006 6:26 am

Yep Clincal Dep. is a bitch. Now I know that I admire you & your Lady even more. My GF must spend well over half her life wanting, or planing ways, to be dead. I can and will listen to any Shit you wish to unload NG. I too have been there. Email me here and unload all you need to I would consider it an honour to pick up the burden.

Dave.


Nightguy_1961 replies on 6/4/2006 2:32 am:
I hope that your GF is doing okay....that's a tough burden to carry, my friend...

Thanks....

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