Most Of The Time It Really Sucks To Be Me.  

MzThang1965 52F
39 posts
7/23/2006 4:00 pm

Last Read:
7/26/2006 1:48 pm

Most Of The Time It Really Sucks To Be Me.

Here we are in the year 2006 and I'm in the wrong place and time. I've always felt that way. Will I ever find the place where a freak like me fits in?

In this day and age where everything is so 'all about me' I see that the majority of people I meet have completely forgotten about what it is to believe in the real things that matter most; love, commitment, family.

Please don't get me wrong and judge me to be a prude because that couldn't be farther from the truth. I've had plenty of one night stands and short term sex only relationships because that's what I wanted at the time. I can most definitely tell the difference between love and sex. I've had 3somes and been to swinger's clubs. Sexually, there isn't a hole lot I haven't done, and I can't say there is anything I didn't like and wouldn't do again.

My dream though, the ever elusive dream, is to find that one person that wants to experience all of it with me and have the love/commitment/family to go with it. Look at the thousands of people on these sites. Everyone just wants sex, but no one wants to have the joys of a terrific relationship. For me, that terrific relationship that is willing to explore all sexual aspects would be the ultimate ideal.

I get the sense that so many feel a lasting relationship to be a trap. A relationship, a good one that is worth the work, is not a trap, but a safe place where you are free to grow and learn new things about yourself;explore. It is about being allowed to be who you are while being with someone else - that someone else being a testimony to your life, a witness. That someone to share the laughs with, to orally please you after a rough day at work.

I definitely want the sexual freedom, but more than that I want the love between 2 people that allows that to happen. Doesn't anyone else believe in that? Is everyone else really that happy to be going home alone? I go home alone and I just ache to spoon with that special someone as I drift off - that one person that knows everything and loves me because of it and sometimes in spite of it.

There is no perfection, but there is bliss - that feeling that comes when you finally feel you belong.

I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong on swinger's sites because it's not swinging if you're a single woman - it's just fucking around. I don't belong on vanilla sites because I'm far from prim and conventional. I don't even belong on this site because I'm not looking for constant one night stands.

Fuck. It is so lonely being me - someone who has a wonderful life and no one to share it with. There is so much to share, and so much I want to experience with him. I often wish that the time machine that dumped me here with my beliefs in love, commitment, honesty and intimacy would come back to swallow me up because I just can't bare it anymore. I don't want to feel like a misfit toy anymore. Isn't there anyone out there that still believes in all of this stuff besides me? Isn't there anyone out there that believes in doing the right thing even if it's the hard thing? Isn't there anyone out there that isn't afraid to truly live and enjoy instead of using others just to escape from the sad reality of their own inner turmoil?

I just might die alone and lonely because I will always believe in the happily ever after that two people can create even if no one else does.

2375 posts
7/23/2006 4:36 pm

Keep believing cause it really does exist. Good luck!

FunGuy20653 47M

7/23/2006 5:36 pm

Please don't beat yourself up like that. It's ok to be single, whether you are male or female. The "trap" you speak of is that society deems "single" women to be "different", in one way or another.

Don't believe that for a second. It's just not true. The definition of being "rich" has nothing to do with money or stuff, it has everything to do with the people who love and care for us, and the people WE love. Yes, I'm sure we all want that "special someone" - who is perfect in every way. But, as per the definition I gave earlier...I consider myself to be VERY RICH. I am happy living knowing that.

You sound like a fantastic woman that has so much to offer the world. Don't let someone else's definition of success define you. Enjoy the life you HAVE!!


SingleWarrior 53M

7/23/2006 5:53 pm

Never give up. Never surrender.

That perfect person may not be in the package you expect.

AstirRelicLatah 66M
1993 posts
7/26/2006 9:14 am

I'm finding a fair amount of people on this site where sex is the appetizer, but the entree is a bonded relationship with others. Keep your eye open, they might even be right under your nose.

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