The intensity of it all  

MrMagicHands72 46M
6 posts
2/6/2006 3:16 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The intensity of it all


So, I am feeling a bit lost. I have pretty much finally opened up to my woman and explained exactly how I feel. I feel like I am in such an uncomfortable space, at the moment. It helps to be busy, because I am not thinking about the potential break up of my relationship.

I came to this internet community looking for passion and excitement because I just wasn't getting it where I should, withing my relationship. The fact of the matter, is that I am not sure that I will find it here, either. I know there are things missing from my life. Key elements necessary for my happiness. I wish I could find them at home. And this is more than just in regards to my relationship. This is in regards to my professional life, as well. For nearly a decade, my professional life and personal life have been so separate, literally. We're talking being thousands of miles from home and family. Both she and I have become so accustomed to being separated that we function separately now, as well.

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Her passion and focus is her career. And I have found satisfaction in being out there, on some grand adventure. There's a bittersweet price to my freedom: lonliness. Its awfully lonely out there, on my own. But, the trade off is that I am doing work that I am passionate about; being a soldier. I am experiencing the unknown and making a difference where ever I go.

I have been home for a year now, and I feel as if I am so ready to go. The downside is that I am dreading the aforementioned lonliness. I know I will be missing( and missing out) on those I care about. But, at the same time, I see no other way.

She and I have both made tremendous sacrifices for each other and our families over the years. We have hung in there and weathered separation and anything else that might be put in front of us.

Now, that we are together, how do we reconnect? How do we stoke that fire that fueled our love for so long? Something has definately got to give. I want to open us up to other experiences, not only sexually speaking, but generally speaking as well. She just doesn't seem interested. Quality time doesn't necessarily require you to spend money. If I have learned anything from being away for all those years, its that you need to focus on quality, not quantity. Cherish every moment, because you might not get another one. It might be your last.

Sex should be a positive and enjoyable experience. Sometimes, in a commited relationship, that luster tarnishes. I feel that opening up our relationship could enhance our relationship. By having various experiences, especially with her, who has less experience than I, it would help us enhance our own sexual experiences when we come together. I feel the potential for better sex is there as the result of more varied experiences with different partners. Swingers know this all so well.

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Still, what do I do when she isn't interested in any of that? I am left feeling very much alone and frustrated, with a sense of lacking and strong desires for something more. Sex is just one aspect of all of this. As I mentioned before, we seem to be on two different pages. I am trying to fill that gap, and make things better. But, I cannot deny my feelings. I feel more compelled than ever before to go out and live my dreams, even if it means without her. Its not a pleasant notion, at all. But, perhaps it is what is necessary for me to find true happiness in this lifetime.

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