What Sort Of Promise Is That?  

MissAnnThrope 57F
11679 posts
6/28/2006 1:05 am

Last Read:
7/1/2006 1:28 am

What Sort Of Promise Is That?

I've been on a chocolate binge since the weekend. I was dying for a Dove bar on Saturday. Milk chocolate. No one had any, only the dark chocolate. So, I got an 11 ounce bag. Then I realized, it would go bad if I didn't eat it quickly.

I finished the bag off today. Inside the wrappers o the mini pieces, they have promises messages. I believe the name on the bag used to be Dove Promises. Well, some of the messages are getting fucking weird, let me tell you. Here is a sampling.

Go to your special place.

OK... Is this a message for people suffering from withdrawal or some other form of mental collapse? That special place inside your head? What if I don't have a special place? What if my special place is 1000 miles away and I can't get there? What if my special place is inside my head and I don't come out of it until I've been hospitalized for a week and given meds to the point where there are more meds than blood in my vessels?

Wink at someone driving past today.

Um... Right. Even though my street is a 25 MPH zone, no one goes less than 45. Crossing the street is a hazard, as they're not even paying attention to pedestrians who have the cross signal. The crosswalk? The stop line is past that, right?

This one annoys me on another level. What if the person you wink at notices and is a serial killer who takes that as an invitation? Not only that, but most people, myself included are not winkers. Most of us look like we have a nervous tick or something in our eye if we wink. Nope. I don't think this one is good advice at all. But they get better...

You know what? You look good in red.

How the hell would they know what colors suit me? OK, granted, red is a good color for me. However, we have ALL met people who should never be allowed to wear a red scrunchy or lipstick, let alone a red dress, sweater, shirt, or whatever. Some people look hideous in red! This is terrible advice to be handing out to people blindly.

Listen to your heartbeat and dance.

OK, if your heartbeat is loud enough for you to hear it to dance, that's not a good sign. You should really see a doctor. If your heart is pounding in your throat or your pulse is pounding in your ears and you haven't just had a fright or exerted yourself to the limit, you need a doctor. Period. Then there's the fact that if you do attach a stethoscope and listen to your heart as you dance, it's going to get faster and faster and you're going to get to the point where you're going faster than a whirling dervish and end up dying of a heart attack! More bad advice from a chocolate wrapper.

Make your eyes twinkle.

Excuse me? How do you propose I do that? Turn out the lights and shine a flashlight into them? Pour a bottle of glitter into them? How the hell does a person make their eyes twinkle? Where is the editor for these damned messages?

This next one, I got four times in a row. It kind of creeped me out.

You're allowed to do nothing.

WHAT SORT OF FUCKED UP, CREEPY, D/s MESSAGE IS THAT IN A CHOCOLATE? WTF? I'm allowed to do nothing? Who said? Even if I sit around staring at the four walls, I'm still doing something. Are the people from M&M Mars going to show up on my doorstep and stick me in a sensory deprivation tank so they make sure I do nothing? If I do nothing, then I can't go to the supermarket and get another bag of chocolate. Someone really needs to look at these messages before they go out.

I think the last message I pulled out of the bag and it really was the last one out of the bag, sums it all up:

Don't think about it so much.

I wish I had pulled that one out first. But why couldn't I have gotten the message from the picture?

HBowt2 60F

6/28/2006 1:19 am

ok...so if you were daft enough to write these things what would you put?

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 6:28 am:
hmmmm... Good question...

Chocolate looks good on your hips.

Chocolate increases brain power.

Eat more chocolate.

Maybe a few creepy stalker type messages, as that's what I expect to find in the next bag.

cuteNEway 42F

6/28/2006 4:48 am

UMMMM I think Dove wants us all to be tweakers. Think about it:

Go to your special place and wink at someone driving past
That's your buying spot and the wink is the signal for your dealer to stop.

You know what? You look good in red
That's the secret code you tell him so that he knows what you're buying.

And the rest of it? Thats just the shit that happens once the drugs are in your veins!

tee hee

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 6:32 am:
I think you're right. Dancing to the sound of your heartbeat is something I hear you can do on ecstasy.

free2chose2 67F

6/28/2006 8:09 am

putting a trwinkle in your eye-think of something you did or said years past

"allowed to do nothing" no shame in taking a break from the rat race

Don't worry, be Happy

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 6:36 am:
I think it was my state of mind when I saw the messages. I found "you're allowed to do nothing" really creepy.

8337 posts
6/28/2006 8:23 am

I suppose dark chocolate is better than fried chicken...


"My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 6:37 am:
mmmmm... Chocolate covered fried chicken...

popmuse01 36F

6/28/2006 10:47 am

WTF...now I KNOW why I don't eat Dove chocolate!

I'm leaving the site end of March. To those who want to keep in touch, see blog for details.

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 6:37 am:
Well, there are no weird, creepy messages on the bars. Sadly, they were out of milk chocolate bars, so I had to get the bag of bite sized ones.

I think I like their Christmas messages better.

RevJoseyWales 70M/67F
14393 posts
6/28/2006 2:22 pm

Sounds like they packed those things in a chinese fortune cookie factory. Joe

"McVeigh had the right idea, wrong address."

"This ain't Dodge City, and you ain't Bill Hickok."

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 6:39 am:
No, the messages in fortune cookies make far more sense. Most of the time.

flagg134 37M
1582 posts
6/28/2006 2:41 pm

You know what? You look good in red. Is this some reference to carrie or something do they want you drenched in blood?

Make your eyes twinkle.
UMMMM the only people I know that can put a sparkle in their eye are either suffering from some form of psychosis or are sickeningly sweet. I do suppose thats the same thing though.


MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 6:41 am:
I think they want us drenched in blood and I do agree with that about psychotics. Yes, sickening sweet people are either dumb as a post, or have a few "issues."

But I don't consider a sparkle in the eyes and a twinkle in the eyes the same thing. Twinkling is more of a twinkie kind of deal. Sparkling, well, I get that evil sparkle all the time. Not the same thing at all.

humorlife 50M  
5718 posts
6/28/2006 3:13 pm


I question your judgment from the start. By your own admission, you went looking for the milk chocolate Dove pieces, and settled for the dark chocolate. One does not settle for dark chocolate. One rejoices in it. What are you, some sort of fifth columnist?

That aside, about eight years ago I bought a bottle of Snapple, and under the cap were the words "In a previous life you were a trout."

All I wanted was a cool refreshing beverage, and instead I got a week's worth of existential angst.

Regarding the questionable sentiment and syntax of the messages: This is what happens when you outsource to a foreign nation. It never would have happened if these messages had been produced somewhere in the good ol' U. S. of A., like the Northern Mariana Islands.

Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 6:54 am:
No, they only had dark chocolate bars. So I had to buy a bag to get milk chocolate. Milk chocolate. Smooth, creamy, boosts brain power. Dark chocolate is none of that. Dark chocolate is bitter, never smooth. Yes, it works for dipping cookies or strawberries. But that's about it.

Now, we already know that stoners founded Snapple. Otherwise, they wouldn't have used the ad campaign saying it was made from the best stuff on earth, when it has more sugar than a can of soda. I miss the old Ballantine caps, which had cryptograms on them. Try to find Ballantine anymore.

About the quality of the messages... They'd do better if they used those Chinese people who are being held by fortune cookie factories to pay off their passage to this country in that shipping container. They'd make more sense.

real36CgirlPA 39F

6/28/2006 5:14 pm

I knew there was a reason why I liked Hershey's better (as far as inexpensive and easy to find goes)..though I like dark chocolate but only one of the monster-sized bars. That usually takes care of my chocolate cravings, well, for a few days anyway

Maybe they were meant to be a marketed at a 'Chicken soup for the soul' convention or something.

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 7:03 am:
Well plus, Hershey's has that theme park. And tours. Dove is made by M&M Mars and the only people who get tours are family members.

I wonder if this is a regional thing. You're out past Hershey. I grew up about 20 miles from Hackettstown, where M&M Mars is located. Hmmmmm...

NickRules999 40M
9464 posts
6/28/2006 5:50 pm

If I found that stuff in the fortune cookies at Panda Express, I'd boycott the fuckers. But, damn, the lure of the orange chicken gets me everytime. Ok, it would be a boycott lasting an hour.

Come into my realm! You aren't afraid...are you?

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 7:04 am:
Now I want orange chicken, dammit!

VATraveler1948 69M

6/29/2006 3:44 am

I just had a piece of chocolate for breakfast and it didn't have any of that wierd fortune cookie crap on the wrapper. It just had a simple one word question written all around the wrapper, I guess the candy maker wanted to know why I chose that brand of chocolate because all it said was.... Riesen

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 7:13 am:
Reisen... Aren't they those chewy chocolates?

rm_1hotwahine 64F
21091 posts
6/29/2006 5:04 am

Oh this SO inspires me to be a quasi smart ass.

Then I realized, it would go bad if I didn't eat it quickly.
Speaking of inspiration...this makes me want to do a post on "Cool shit that we tell ourselves"

Go to your special place.
I think they were referring to the inside of the bag.

You know what? You look good in red.
translation: Please God, help me think of more things to write in these wrappers.

Listen to your heartbeat and dance.
This is a good way to process the rapid heartbeat that comes from eating too much sugar/caffeine infused stuff.

You're allowed to do nothing.
translation: MA in English and I'm stuck in a dead end fortune cookie job.

Oh and by the way - and this is based on very recent, very REAL experience - do not, repeat: do NOT try the whole bag thing with the sugar free cousin version. Just trust me on this.

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

MissAnnThrope replies on 6/29/2006 7:17 am:
You know, I tried to edit that part of the post. It's been overly warm and humid here. That makes chocolate melt. I didn't want to end up with a bag of chocolate soup and the refrigerator is bad for chocolate.

I think you're right about the messages. Especially the person who writes them. But the inside of a bag or box of chocolate really IS a special place. *sigh* Chocolate...

On sugar free chocolate. Um, yeah. I know what you mean.a I remember a diet when I was a teenager. Oooh! Look! Estee's sugar-free chocolate! I can eat this... I learned a secret of weight loss that day.

Shelly_Marie 45F

6/30/2006 9:35 pm

nah, even if they stuck you in a sensory deprivation tank you would still be doing something...doing nothing is doing 'something'

Shelly_Marie 45F

6/30/2006 9:39 pm

btw, better hope hershey's doesnt decide to start putting messages in their chocolate bars, they'd probably try to beat each other on the messages that they put out and then you'd really see lots of freaky messages...lmao

MissAnnThrope replies on 7/1/2006 1:28 am:
Heh. Hershey's would most likely have to take in the kid's equation too. Not to mention Hershey Park and the chocolate factory tours. Parents would end up boycotting. Heh.

Become a member to create a blog