Fuck Buddy vs. Friend With Benefits  

MissAnnThrope 58F
11679 posts
9/28/2005 8:29 pm

Last Read:
1/24/2007 8:36 am

Fuck Buddy vs. Friend With Benefits

Once again, I saw another conversation about how a person's fuck buddy doesn't want to be a friend. Isn't that what a fuck buddy is? No, it isn't.

This has always been my take on it. A fuck buddy is someone you're attracted to, meet with for sex, little small talk, you might spend the night, depending on how much you like sex with each other. On the other hand, it could be someone you enjoy having sex with, but 5 minutes after you're done, you're restraining yourself from asking, "Why are you still here?"

Now, a friend with benefits is just that, a friend. In my experience, it's the hardest relationship in the world to pull off. You have to be able to have sex without getting attached romantically and destroying the friendship. Most of the time, one person will get attached, fall in love and destroy things. This is someone you're friends with and have sex with on occassion. It is not a relationship based purely on sex. In some cases, you can be friends with the person for years before you start having sex with him or her.

In the perfect case scenario, the one that is so hard to pull off, the sex fizzles out at some point. No reflection on either of you. You remain friends after. No harm, no foul. No jealousy, no hurt feelings. It seems mutual.

Now, I've managed to pull off friends with benefits in this manner twice in my life. It's been attempted more than twice, however, one of us gets more attached than the other. I would say the guilt on that is evenly laid.

So, does anyone have any stories about the line being blurred, someone saying they wanted a fuck buddy when they wanted a friend with benefits? Or any friends with benefits stories that went the way it was supposed to, or that went really wrong?

SensuousWoman3 56F
3106 posts
9/29/2005 12:49 am

I think friends with benefits is one of the most precarious relationships to try and pull off for all the reasons you stated–particularly and almost inevitably because one of the partner starts developing more intense feelings than the other.

I think there is a lot of confusion amongst the younger set about friends with benefits and fuck buddies. “Fuck Buddies” is what we used to call a “booty call” or the “one o’ clock jump” ‘cause that’s when the bars closed. Even with fuck buddies I believe that more times than not–one party has some emotions invested whereas the other party does not.

My conclusion–unless it is very carefully orchestrated–there is always somebody getting and allowing themselves to “get used.”

downazzbitch 44F  
6 posts
9/29/2005 1:35 am

I know exactly what u mean! A friend's with benefits relationship is way harder than a fuck buddy one. Had a friend in college who was one of my tightest homeboys and then we ruined it by having sex. It worked for a while, but as u said feelings started to develop (on both ends i think) and neither one of us wanted to admit it. Our words said "you must be crazy, it ain't even like that with us" but our actions when we thought the other person may have been pushing up on someone new, said something altogether different. anyway, our friendship was strained to say the least, but that was years ago and i'm over that now.

pseudohippie 51F

9/29/2005 10:09 am

MissAnn...my friend and I were talking about this very issue, oddly enough, on the same day you posted this.

To me, they are the same..."buddy" indicates you are a friend. "Fuckbuddy (F" indicates a friend you fuck. "Friend With Benefits (FW" seems to me only a more PC way to state it. I'm probably in the minority here, but to me, they are the same. And look at it this way...Friend + fuck/friend + benefits...that's not boyfriend or girlfriend? Aren't they friends you fuck, too? Semantics, I say.

When I wanted this kind of relationship, I essentially wanted a boyfriend without commitment or depth. Same goes for my mid-20s affair with a married man. I loved him, he was my good friend, I didn't want him to leave his wife...what I wanted was to have sex with someone I cared about and still be free enough to not have to tell him what I was doing all the time, or run decisions by him before I made them, etc. You can't commit to someone who is already committed to someone else! (Btw, I didn't know the wife, and we valiantly fought the relationship for a year before giving in. In my opinion, he was the cheater, I was was not cheating on anyone, so I had no moral conflict, personally. I mean, I took no vows. Anyway, I would not do this ever again, not because it didn't fulfill my goals, but because I realize now I was an enabler, for which I am truly sorry.) Oddly, this one lasted 3 years...maybe because there WAS no chance for commitment.

Anyway, in college, I had two FBs/FWBs, and those were completly successful, too. Maybe because we were friends a long time first and so that was the primary established relationship, therefore strong to begin with, I don't know. Maybe it worked cause we were young and carefree about it. Dunno.

In my more recent adulthood, I've been less successful when I've wanted this kind of relationship. It's true that sometimes one party gets attached, or as Sensuousoman said, both could and aren't prepared for it, or so I've heard. My adult "FB/FWB" experiences have been a little different, though. I tend to pick men who are more "moral" than I am...they end up feeling GUILT over it. "It's not RIGHT to have sex with someone you don't love or who isn't your girlfriend." Dunno. Maybe that was their way of ending it or a disguised way of telling me they wanted more...it's hard to tell. One of those tried to revive it later, saying he was a stupid fool...I agreed he was, of course (haha), but I no longer wanted that kind of relationship then, so bummer for him! The other was my friend for many years, then my boyfriend, then my FB/FWB and is now back to being what he really should have stayed as, my good friend.

Bottom line is, the reasons why it doesn't last don't matter, nor do the definitions or demarcations between them. A "FB and/or FWB" relationship is usually transient, which is why people want them in the first place. It's the very nature of the beast. We want them when we want them, and don't want them when we want something else. The nature of the relationship is transitional, no matter what. If the commitment to maintain any relationship is not shared by both parties, then the relationship is doomed. And since "FB/FWB" is essentially a commitment-free relationship, it's the same. You can never expect it to last long.

On the flipside, I do, however, know of a few that have worked, but I think those are anomalies...a guy in the Philly chatroom just told me he's had one for six years. Guess it depends on the people and the situations they are in.

Bottom line is, all relationships are complicated, it's hard to match up your goal with anothers' goal, we can't control our emotions, and we all change with time.

Gosh I hope this makes sense. I haven't had enough coffee yet. lol

goddessofbitches 42M/34F

9/29/2005 11:03 am

I guess...I have always had Fuck Buddies and Friends with benefits. And I must admit...I was the type of woman that man hated.

I used to be the girl that dated guys to get what she wanted...and then when something better looking came along...or someone with something better...I always left and tried to get with that new one.

Thing is...I always stayed friends with my ex's. Most new I was to wild to be tamed and accepted it. There were a few that couldn't handle it because something about me made them fall in love.

I realized how much damage I was causing and stopped cold turkey. It is amazing how many relationships I had that I could keep going. When I think back...there could have been one or two that wanted more, just didn't say anything.

I don't know. I think that then was then...and I hardly sit back and revisit the "back when" thing.


Always The Bitch

nietchze 45M

9/29/2005 9:52 pm

In my youth I never had these types of relationships because, quite frankly, I could get some sex whenever I wanted from any number of willing females. I had never been in love, and so the element of emotion in my sex life was non-existant. I never knew what it was like, so I didn't miss it. Enter love-of-my-life first-true-love GF #1, and well that all got shot to shit. Since then it has been either one night stands or GF's. I can't even imagine trying to pull this off. Because as much of a 'man's Man' as i try to be, I'm really just a big softy and hopeless romantic. So sue me.

MissAnnThrope 58F
11488 posts
9/30/2005 2:44 am

Sensuous, a fuck buddy is indeed a booty call. You're right, those tend to become very one sided. Especially around here. Been there, done that. If he called and I was out, he'd call every 15 minutes until I got home. However, if I called, god forbid I do that. I had to wait a week for him to return the call. I'm never doing the fuck buddy thing again.

downazz, that's another thing. If one or both develop feelings, you have to be honest with each other and yourselves, or you risk destroying the friendship entirely.

pseudo, I have to disagree. It is a "fuck buddy". Period. Your friend when one or both are horny. As Sensuous said, it's a booty call. However, "Friends with benefits" insinuates friendship from the start.

Mandy, I think that's another category all together. I always wished I could use men like that, but I never could.

nietchze, you're so not missing anything, my dear cyberson. But unless you were doing a string of one nighters in your youth, you had a fuck buddy or two. Women you only bothered with when you were horny. I would sue you, however, are you worth suing? Would I get anything other than a stack of death metal CDs?

bardicman 51M

9/30/2005 3:19 am

I think I am incapable of both, I had a FWB once that lasted two weeks and then she decided she liked women better and left out with a girl and they are still together 12 years later. *shrug*
I am just too much of a romantic to play by the rules of fuck buddy or FWB. I have a lover. She is my mate. We have rules and boundries that we must stay in but she is my friend and so much more.

I am not dead yet

pseudohippie 51F

9/30/2005 12:26 pm

Whatever we call them, the bottom line is, they're very unlikely to work for long. Bootycalls, friends with benefits, fuck buddies, whatever you call any of them, they are transitional "relationships."

I know I was long winded, so my point may not have come across. So here goes again:

It's the nature of the beast...if you're a person in that kind of relationship, you're an independent contractor, not someone with an employment contract.

p.s. I heart MissAnn

rm_saintlianna 46F
15466 posts
9/30/2005 9:03 pm

All my relationships have gone VERY wrong, so unless you want to hear boring, depressing stories I really dont have much to say about it.

442 posts
10/1/2005 1:33 am


digdug41 50M

10/1/2005 6:15 pm

those type of relationships only worked when I was doing drugs alot because I didnt feel anything and it was solely a physical thing and I had a bunch of girls to play with,but I did eventually fall for one of 'em and the rules I'd set for myself backfired on me and I fell inlove with this girl but she didnt feel the same.now I couldnt imagine doing anything of the sort now and if I did I know it would'nt work to well for me so I leave all that stuff be

roaming the cyber streets of blogland

MissAnnThrope 58F
11488 posts
10/2/2005 5:59 pm

bardic, my last FWB thing lasted two years, off and on. We were friends, but when neither of us had anything going on, we well... That all ended when I warned him about someone who was a complete nutjob, he took that as jealousy, which it wasn't. That pretty much ended it.

pseudo, they can last a while, if no one gets attached. It is about keeping that balance between friend and lover.

lianna, if we were all in happy relationships, how many of us would even be here? Most of us have had all our relationships end badly, or are in relationships that make us unhappy.

digdug, that falling in love thing is generally the problem.

JustSayHi2006 57F

10/4/2005 3:18 pm

MissAnn I'd have to agree with your points on definitions and also that if people were really in happy relationships they would have no desire or need to be here.

5 posts
10/6/2005 12:49 am

I love reading your take on things. The reason that I here is I am in a complicated relationship with my wife that for one reason or another I don't want to end just yet(if at all). Reading your take on things and the people who reply to you is helpful to me in my quest to understand what I am putting myself through. I think that you definitions were on target. There is a difference FB's and FWB's. Most people don't get thr difference because they do not want to take the time to understand where they themselves are in their emotional needs. That comes with time. And some never achieve it sadly.


6/13/2006 4:16 pm

there is a void that can't be filled with just another romp in the hay.....sigh

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