Michael_Nivek 33M
7 posts
4/14/2006 11:40 am

Last Read:
9/24/2006 6:28 am


It's proven true to me that you never do know what you've had until you've lost it. I banished the trusting parts of me so long ago, and replaced them with ever suspicious thoughts and paranoia... ironically it was that decision that made me who I am today... with the knowledge I have now. And now that I have this knowledge, the one thing I need now is exactly what I had to get rid of to gain it. I've spent nearly nine and a half years of my life refusing to trust anyone... refusing to trust in anything. I did not trust my relationships, or my friends. I had no beliefs... and no fate. I did not believe, or depend on anyone, or anything. I was constantly questioning... always looking for a reason to be suspicious... to question, to fight. I never looked blindly into the future and truly believed everything would ever just work itself out, that everything would be for the best, or the way it was meant to be. I couldn't even trust myself. I was always second guessing my own thoughts and decisions... I had forgotten what trust was, why I needed it, or even how to give it. I didn't even recognize it when it was given to me... I couldn't remember what it was like, and when I finally realized I wanted to feel it again... to trust in another, and believe in them... I couldn't. I failed. I kept telling myself that I could remember once again... I'm starting too... But I fear it may be too little too late. That I may have finally remembered, but at the cost of loosing the very thing I wanted my trust for. Part of me is certain that I've lost the very thing that I was striving to hold on to. The one thing I wanted to have total, blind and confident trust in. That part of me may believe that it's gone, but I know that is the part of me that does not trust. It won't believe... it will never be confident that I still have what I desire, what I've struggled for. But there is a new part of me now... it is delicate, and fragile. This part of me does believe, it has trusted only one other individual so far, but it is expanding to encompass others still... I can barely feel it, but I know it is there. I felt it for the first time in a very long while... almost seven months ago. I clung to it. I missed that feeling so much, but it was so unfamiliar to me, and I took it for granite. I allowed my questioning nature to overwhelm my trust. I began to doubt that what I trusted even existed... I began to believe that I was foolling myself in an optomistic blindness... but in light of what I'm now experienceing, I truly beleive I was wrong. My questioning nature has betreyed me. I've always fallen back on it for my secruity and my confidence in that what I do know I have learned without a doubt from my own experiences, and not imagined it or taken anyone's word for it. But now, my confidence cannot come from an interpretaion of an answer to a question, or from the thought that what happened in the past will most likely happen again for the same reason... Now my confidence in this must come from within, from a vulnerability. My trust is blind, it is a chance taken without reason, or prior knowlage. My memories cannot be allowed to govern my thoughts... to create expectations, and fears. I cannot worry, or doubt. I see now why it is said that ignorance can be bliss. I understand now though, that it was my fear of loosing that bliss that prevented me from remaining ignorant... and subsequently prevented me from feeling the bliss I was too paranoid to loose.

timeforfun219 43M/43F  
2155 posts
4/14/2006 12:51 pm

It is nice to hear someone else open up and admit what is inside... Don't worry because eventually it will come but when it does protect it with all your might, Nurture it and let it grow. I was in the same place you are. Wishing you all the best.

If my boobs were bigger I'd be a BBW!

rm_PurryKitty2 49M/51F
9753 posts
4/14/2006 1:36 pm

Glad you are honest with yourself

Purry {=}


LastChild_999 40M

4/14/2006 1:43 pm

Stumbled upon this - would like to read all of'em but in a bit of a rush. Trust isn't blind, ignorant following. If you have enough sense not to walk out in front of a car, you have too much sense to trust anyone 110%. Nobody does, even if they think they do. Nobody's 110% trustworthy, either, even if they think they are. Be wary, yes. But that doesn't mean there's no time or room for trust. And when you reach out with trust again and get let down, it's not a sign of naivety or stupidity on your part. It's a sign that your faith in humanity is still there. And that takes strength. Once in awhile - it pays off.
Take Care...

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