X factor  

Mackey05 40F
508 posts
3/3/2005 10:39 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

X factor

Yesterday I got an e-mail from the guy whom I had an affair with. In my med induced wierdness last week I did a few odd things because after my trip to the ER I had hallucinations and did things that didn't make sense. On Monday I asked my mom at night why she skipped work to sit on the edge of my bed holding a cat to watch me while I slept... She was never there... My dad told me in the middle of the night I went outside and sat in my SUV and did nothing for a few hours then came back in and told them I had a good day at work. I believe it was Tuesday ( my concept of time was out of wack so I'm not 100% sure ) when I woke up to my ex's secretary yelling "HELLO!?" in my ear after I dialed his work number. I left a voicemail message saying I was sick and hoped he was okay then he called back and we talked for a few minutes before he had to rush off to a meeting and promised he'd call back the following day to check on me..... Well, as with a lot of things he promised he did not call.

A week passed and I got an e-mail telling me things were hectic ( always are ) and that he was waiting for test results and when he got them back we really needed to talk. It pissed me off because it was so vague... What the hell is going on and what was he being tested for?

I am 100% clean and was tested for everything under the sun a month ago and had more blood tests when I had my medical emergency.

As the affair went on he became more closed off and didn't share much and as meetings decreased and he became slow to keep in contact I started asking if there was someone else. He told me there wasn't and he would never have another affair because of how dangerous it is and because of how he felt for me. I asked if he did start things with someone else if he'd tell me and he said he would. It got to the point I asked if he wanted to end things and he got upset and went into a big speech of how deep his feelings ran and how he always wanted me to he a part of his life even if we stopped sleeping together. I decided to stop things for awhile and just be friends... It didn't work and he showed no efforts to be a friend. In January we had a long talk about "rebuilding" our relationship, he initiated it, and felt we were drifting apart. He said he didn't share much because I know everything about him already and he didn't want to repeat himself and if there was something I wanted to know I needed to ask... Yeah.. In a relationship you want someone to be open and share, not constantly have to treat them like it is an interrogation. LOL!

Anywhoo.... I replied to his e-mail asking if he was okay and what he was being tested for. I also asked if he feels I need to be tested ( c'mon... I have been sleeping with him for how long? Ever since he had a vasectomy things have been unprotected. ) I was polite about it and he got really angry and wrote back saying, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ASKED ME THAT! CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THINK YOU NEED TO BE TESTED! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND DON'T BE CONCERNED!! CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ASKED ME THAT WAY!"

What was I supposed to do especially when I get an e-mail that he was waiting for test results and really needed to talk to me when he got them? Maybe I did jump to conclusions, but with the wierd behavior, broken promises, and long gaps in communication something is definately up.

When there are changes in someone's behavor something is going on, and despite his claim he'd never cheat on his wife with someone else or start a new affair I wouldn't put it past him at all. I chuckle when I think that he hopped into bed with some random woman or took advantage of another student and had some sort of a scare.

If this would have happened a few months ago I would have freaked out and felt terribly that I upset him. Right now I think it is funny and entertaining... Yes, that is mean, but it's how I am feeling right now. For a mind game the other person has to care and buy into what you are saying... I find myself caring less and less every day and it's a good thing. I want out.. I want to feel free of all of this... A small part of me that gets quieter and quieter every day wants to think of the good times and what it felt to have that connection with him and be in love.... A louder voice in my heart and mind says, "Fuck it!! Why put up with this shit and drag out something you haven't been feeling for a long time... You deserve more and better than him and what he could give you."

Sure we had some great sex.... It was really spaced out and there were lots of unsatisfying quickies and all the guilt and frustration factored in....... I just need a great guy to have amazing sex with... I know I am not ready for a relationship because trust is a scary thing.. Then again I may meet someone who will build it with me... I want that FWB to enjoy... One-nighters are boring, unsatisfying, and too easy... My guy friends say that us women have the great luck of being able to walk up to any man and tell them we want to screw them and 9/10 they will be up for it. If a man tries that he gets slapped. LOL! Don't get me wrong, as you've read I've had some great one nighters, but those had great circumstances.

rm_ironic2bhere 49M

3/4/2005 11:01 pm

Now your scaring me! Did you ever figure out what he was tested for?

Sexonthebrain4U 51M
36 posts
3/5/2005 2:09 am

Sounds to me like your on "the road to recovery"...probably the healthiest thing to do is move on. As I've said before, I think you're an honest and intelligent woman...you'll be fine. Making me wish I knew you personally cuz I like your attitude...I bet you'd be alot of fun to hang out with and "other things", teehee...lol! We should chat sometime...now that would be fun!

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