What eats me and kills me deep inside  

Mackey05 40F
508 posts
2/25/2005 5:46 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

What eats me and kills me deep inside


As I've mentioned in other blogs I've been doing a lot of thinking since last Sunday and just read the blog of SigEp, a man I'm getting to know through this site and it made me want to open up and get something out. For years I've been doing something wrong, something that others may not view as wrong, but I do. I don't judge other people for it, but it is not me and even though I did it it is not a reflection of who I really am. A few people have noticed that something is wrong, people in my normal life as well as the 2 great men I am getting to know and chat with on a daily basis and am developing friendships with.

In high school I didn't date much... I take that back, I didn't date at all. I had lots of guy friends and even if they showed any romantic interest in me I didn't see it because I was in such deep denial. I was an athlete was focused on academics, friends, and building a future for myself. Academics came easily to me and I slacked off a lot until I hit upper level classes and was challenged. I was picked on so much growing up and a lot of things that were said stuck with me and I do have deep seeded insecurities that very few people ever see. I never thought any man would love me or want to be with me and wanted to learn to do everything on my own because I never felt I'd have someone to lean on or help me.

My senior year I became close friends with one of my teachers after a big problem happened at school and I made a stand and many followed my lead and we caused a big positive change. He was there for me because I wouldn't let anything out and it was eating me.. Making me angry at everyone including myself. That anger never showed itself, but it simmered and those close to me could see it and were afraid. I never gave them any reason to be scared, but as a very strong, intense, and focused athlete who was not afraid of confrontation people see physical violence as something that could pop out at any time. This man, and I really struggle to call him that befriended me and after I had graduated we planned on keeping in touch when I left for college. One day during the summer we met up to hang out and everything changed. We moved from being close friends to having an affair. I was freaked out because I never thought I would do anything like that plus the only sexual contact I had ever had was with a guy friend I gave a hand job to.

The affair continued and we frequently called and sent snail mail letters back and forth. When the school district got him a computer e-mail became our main mode of communication. Any time I came home for a visit we'd get together and have sex. Both of us felt guilty about it and sometimes we wouldn't speak for a few weeks. As time went on that lessened and our bond grew even deeper. All of a sudden I fell in love with him. It scared the hell out of me and to this day developing feelings like that scare me and I wonder if I've sabotaged good friendships and relationships to stop that from happening again.

My junior year of college he told me he couldn't do it anymore and just wanted to be friends. We had one last night together in the hotel and in the morning I left. I e-mailed him the next day and told him I was okay with it and hoped he didn't hate me for what we did. He didn't reply. For a month nothing back.. Two months and nada... Three.. I lost it.. I thought the friendship was over and that crushed me. I was depressed and totally devastated. I lost my best friend, my lover, and the man I was in love with in one swoop. My friends took me out that night and I got wasted and experienced the only 3 some I have ever had. It was amazing, but didn't dull my pain. I felt even worse when one of the guys begged me to date him afterwards and I had to tell him it was a one time deal.

The next day, like clockwork he called. He freaked about the 3 some and wanted to get back together. Things picked up where they left off, we got closer and my senior year I asked him to leave his wife and marry me. He agreed. The engagement lasted a year and he separated before going back to her and ending the engagement with me.

The affair continued and the sex became less and less frequent. I felt less and less for him and he freaked out and said he wanted to rebuild things but never put forth the effort. We planned an amazing weekend together earlier this month and it fell through. I called him after I got back from the hospital and talked for a bit. He was upset that I got so sick and said he'd call the next day... Haven't heard from him since that call.

This eats at me.. I still have some feelings and don't want to. It angers me... It makes me sad.. It eats me up and tears me apart some times. Some men get offended when I say I will not get involved with them because they are married. If that is the way you want to live that's fine by me. I won't be a part of it because it has hurt me enough already. I also mistakenly got involved with a married man and had to help his wife through it.

Don't play the "Because you are on a sex site you have no morals so get off your high horse" game.... As a married person you took vows to be faithful, love, and cherish someone else. I never did. I will never cheat on someone and I always honor my promises. If you have an open marriage then go for it. Make yourself happy and enjoy For me, I can't do it.

rm_sapphire71 46F
53 posts
2/25/2005 7:48 pm

I feel your pain. I truly do.

I too, mad the mistake of getting involved with a married man. We started out as friends. Great friends. We could tell each other anything. Eventually flirting started, and I gave in. Our first night together was beautiful. A night that I will never forget. In the year or so that we were romantically involved, we only slept together twice. Our relationship was so much deeper than the sex. Time passed, and things got werid. He then decided that he didn't want to sleep together anymore. He had come to a decision that he needed to focus on his family. Now...the friendship is only a fraction (if that) of what it once was, and that is the most upsetting thing of all. It breaks my heart that we don't talk like we used to. All I can say is....my involvement with a married man has been the single most upsetting and painful experience of my life. But....I have no one to blame but myself. Sometimes I don't think I'll ever get over him. In fact.....I am tearing up at this very moment, just writing about him.

I know your pain.


rm_sapphire71 46F
53 posts
2/25/2005 7:50 pm

Dammit! Now the flood gates have opened.


SigEp4U 44M

2/26/2005 7:12 am

Mackey... Well I am glad that something that I wrote helped you to open up. There is a lot more that I would like to say... but I don't know if I can put it into words and not come across as if I am coming on to you. Besides I don't know if this is the place for it. Just know... I believe you when you say... "and even though I did it it is not a reflection of who I really am."

That's how I feel about my wife...

I remember who my wife was... and who she is now is not that person... I still believe that the kind, caring person that I married is still there... there is just so much emotional/mental garbage in the way now... that she forgets who she is... that's my opinion. My wife may feel completely different about the situation.

sapphire71... when you wrote, "Sometimes I don't think I'll ever get over him." it triggered one of the demons that I fight. I wonder if my wife will ever get over the guy she had the affair with. It's not an easy feeling to deal with... but that's life. I hope that you are able to let go someday and heal.

SigEp4U


MegaManIllinois 56M
1 post
2/28/2005 1:17 pm

Dear Mackey05:
I have no idea how I wound up in your blog... in general i just skim them. Yours.. this thread... stopped me. I read the entire subject and re-read portions of it. It was amazing to see how you worked out some of your feelings just by writing them down.
I'd like to share some feelings/thoughts from the 'other side' if I may. I am a 42 year old married for 13 years man. It is my 1st marriage. I finally 'found' her when I was 28. Sadly, we are now 3 days seperated. Sadly is not the right word.. It is a freakin tragedy. Not what we set out to do. All I know is that we have grown..... apart. Now here's the thing; the seperation happened not because of another woman or man. It happened because we both realized that staying together was detrimental to our individual selfs. Where I am trying to go with this is, you would not be today if you had not lived, and learned from your life. If we did not make mistakes, and learn from them... what would life be anyway? BORING.

geez, I just read what I wrote... I am still not getting out what I am trying to say.. so let's try another angle. That angle is... Did I have an affair? Yes. Does she know? No, how would that help? Why did the affair end? Because I was being unfair to myself and my marriage. I learned that by having an affair there is a problem with your marriage. So, I tried a new approach to our relationship 4 years ago. Despite that, looked what has happened. And you know what? She IM'ed me a short time ago today telling me that she is feeling better about herself already. Go figure, she is feeling better and I am not. I feel responsible in that there must have been SOMETHING I could have done to prevent this from happening. Awwww -- look at me -- starting up my own little pity party --- Grrrrrr --- I think not. My point is, despite the best layed plans, things change. Constant change is here to stay. It is important to not forget that. It is important to take the good out of each day, learn from mistakes made by you or anything around you, and leave the bad behind in the past --- where it belongs.

I am gonna run. I hope and pray that you find everything you are looking for in your life. We are here one time, and this is not a dress rehersal. It's the real thing. It's not about the fact that 'life is short' - it is the realization that 'death is sooooo damn long'. So... HAVE FUN.

I'd like to close this with song lyrics from one of my fav bands.. Entitled "Lessons".
(I hope the line breaks post up correctly).

Sweet memories
Flashing very quickly by
Reminding me
And giving me a reason why
I know that
My goal is more than a thought
I'll be there
When I teach what I've been taught
And I've been taught...

You know we've told you before
But you didn't hear us then
So you still question why
No! You didn't listen again
You didn't listen again

Sweet memories
I never thought it would be like this
Reminding me
Just how close I came to missing
I know that
This is the way for me to go
You'll be there
When you know what I know
And I know...

You know we've told you before
But you didn't hear us then
So you still question why
No! You didn't listen again
You didn't listen again


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