Always too little.. Too late  

Mackey05 40F
508 posts
4/15/2005 1:08 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Always too little.. Too late

I got an e-mail from a man I correspond with regularly asking me about my ex, the guy I had an affair with. Three weeks ago he called me and told me that he had broken his hand playing basketball and was getting ready to to on a week long vacation with his family. He said that when he got back he really wanted to work on our friendship and would call and e-mail me more because he misses having me in his life.

Yes, that was 3 weeks ago. Have I heard back from him since he got back from vacation? NOPE! I do get a little angry every day when I check one of my e-mail accounts ( I have a few and one is solely used for contact with him ) and find I have no messages waiting. I was devastated when he told me about his liver problems and that he was scared because he really didn't feel sick and things are so much easier to deal with when you feel something and it is real to you. I totally understand what he means and couldn't agree more. I was upset when he e-mailed me saying that he was upset that I hadn't asked how he was doing and was able to look at the message I had sent him to see I had asked multiple times through out the e-mail. When he called 3 weeks ago he said that he is sorry he accused me of not caring about him. He said he misses me and thinks about me all of the time. Thinking about that pisses me off!

If he truly cared and thinks about me why are all of promises empty? Why do I always feel like I am being played? Why do I put up with his shit when I won't put up with half as much with other men?

Oh yeah... History and love... The two things that so many of us wish we could erase. God knows I wish that I could make myself not care and not love him at all. I am not in love with him anymore and haven't been in so long. When people hurt you with their words and actions over and over again, apologize, then do the same things over again it builds distrust, pain, and a level of resentment. I can't help thinking that Saying he is sick is all B.S . It seems like anytime I stop pursing him or sending him e-mails when he doesn't respond he freaks out and gets all dramatic... I feel like I am dealing with a Drama King some days. I get angry when he pulls the typical, "You don't care anymore", "you gave up on us", "You don't want to be involved with me" shit.

Relationships go both ways and I've said that to him time and time again. I have told him flat out that I am sick of bearing the brunt of the relationship and being the one putting all of the effort into things and him sitting back doing nothing. I know relationships are never 50/50 and sometimes the balance is off and you don't really mind.... To make you understand where I am coming from imagine this....

You get into a disagreement with someone you have a history with and call them to smooth things over and say you are sorry and they don't return your phone call for a few days. You call and leave a message saying that you deserve to know if you were forgiven or if they want you to go to hell. You even tell them you'd be happy getting a 'fuck you' e-mail.. Even those 2 words would clear things up and you would know where you stood.... Nothing... 1 week passes.. 2 weeks... 3 weeks... 4... Okay, you think you got the hint and the person doesn't want you in their life.. NO! You are so wrong and stupid because out of the blue they call. In their voice you hear that they are happy to be talking to you and they act like nothing happened. You bring up the issue because you are one of those people who won't let things go unsolved because you know if you do, down the line they will be brought up again.. He says he has to rush off to a meeting and that he wants you to continue in an e-mail.... You totally pour your heart out, cry as you write it, bear your soul, ask questions, try to reconnect... NOTHING HAPPENS! A month goes by and you hear nothing back. You get more and more angry as the days go by. No, the anger doesn't consume you as you go about your life and are happy being yourself and living your life but the thought of him blowing you off or even existing, living and breathing nearly sets you off.

That is what it has deteriorated into the past 3 years. I don't know if he is really sick and his liver is really deteriorating and it angers me knowing the possibility that it was a lie and a way to make me feel sorry and suck me back in.

This past February he went to a convention and we had a long conversation beforehand about what this relationship means to us. Both of us brought up how we feel the distance is growing between us and he felt the best way to reconnect would be for us to spend a weekend in a hotel talking, having sex, and just being around each other. I was excited! Every day leading up to that weekend I got 2-3 e-mails a day. It felt real and that things would work and I was so happy about being with him. We planned out some kinky activities and had fun sending fantasies back and forth and giving each other links to sex toy sites. We agreed on what toys we wanted and the day before we were going to get together I was going to but all the props we needed. It was not to be.... The day before he e-mails me saying that a college football buddy was coming to the conference last minute and his wife had told him that he had a room alone and could stay. There was no way for him and I to be alone because the hotel was completely booked and he would spend the whole weekend with his friend. I was upset and crushed and he called me and I could tell in his voice he was really disappointed and felt bad. I don't know why, but I thought he'd try to make it up... Find another time for us to be together because his schedule is very rigid and mine is fairly flexible and I told him to give me a time and a place and I would be there. Time goes on and on and nothing is done..... Seems like that is how things will be with him... As much as he says he cares I don't believe it.... I feel I am being lied to and this is a game. How he could do this to me after everything we've been through kills me deep inside.

Lately I've been considering shutting down the e-mail account he uses to contact me as well as changing my cell phone number. Part of me wants to leave him a way to contact me... He knows where I live and has been here so many times.... If I cut off all other means he'll have to put forth a great deal of effort and see me face to face... He's no longer the man I fell in love with and respected.. I don't know this man... Maybe he is in there and we can be friends.. I WILL NOT be pulled back into having sex with him. Everything with him is too little too late.

AlanShore63 94M

4/15/2005 2:43 pm

Mackey: As the old saying goes, no matter how pretty/smart, she/he is, somebody, somewhere is sick of their shit! Remember as well my dear that, "You get what you pay for."

For example: Starting in Nov. of 2003, I met a young lady via the net, who was strikingly lovely and intelligent. I had not be "emotionally" involved with anyone for 11 years before her because the girl who CAME 11 yrs. hence, was quite the show stopper. A truly tough act to follow. However, Ignoring my own best advice, I fgiured I could play with fire and not get burned. - This new young lady and I shared many things in common in as much as the way we viewed life and people and the world around us at large. And to boot, we were very emotionally and physically attracted to each other. And in fact, "IRL" was AS intense if not moreso that via phone and the internet. SO many things in common. So many, save one: life experience. - Our age difference was greater than her actual age. Needless to say, (and sparing you the gorey details), the rollercoaster ride, while being an "E" ticket at a Disney theme park, has ALSO been the kind of rollercoaster ride that you repeatedly throw up on after having woofed down a greasy buger and some cold, greasy french fries, washed down by a luke-warm, watered down fountain coke. - When we met and chatted online, it was by shear chance. I was 40. She was 18. --- The last year and a half has been nothing but shear hell in dealing with her, and what's worse, in falling in love with someone with such little life experience.

So, back to the bottom line: You get what you pay for.

You "friend", has other obligations. No matter what you have shared or feel you have or have had, in the end, he is STILL "Married" to someone else who is not you. No matter what line he feeds you today, he will do as he wishes. And when you refuse to come back for more, and when all of his lines and his get out of jail free cards no longer work, he will move on. Surely to someone else. Maybe someone younger or prettier than you. (Who knows WHAT a man will do!? - To quote Robin Morgan: "Never give rides to strange men. - And remember, ALL MEN are 'strange'!")

No my dear Mackey, in this instance, you get what you pay for. As do I. - The book of Proverbs, Chapter 26, verse 11 says: "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." - Proverbs 12:15 says: "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice."

So, consider what I am saying. But do NOT think of it as an indictment. Given MY situation, I am in no position, (and in no mood) to cast the first stone. - However, I am always here if you wish to talk about it. *soft smile*

AlanShore63 94M

4/15/2005 2:49 pm

Addendum: Just to qulify the "younger/prettier" comment: all men like to feel like they are trading up in some way. This was in no way meant to slight you in anyway, be it looks or intelligence. To many guys, tarding "up" would merely be tarding in what one has had for a newer model that he might control easier. You dear are no longer as "malleable". Or so it would seem.....

TakesTeatsStood 51M
505 posts
4/16/2005 11:48 am

Mackey, I have posted a comment twice and twice it has vanished, I don't want to annoy you with posting it a 3rd time in case this isn't AdultFriendFinder's doing. Can you let me know if this is you or AdultFriendFinder deleting it? Thanks

TakesTeatsStood 51M
505 posts
4/17/2005 11:13 am

Ok, here goes try # 3 - lol - I will double check to see if there is anything that the AdultFriendFinder folks would not approve of....

Mackey, sorry to hear what you have been going through. I can say I have been in a similar situation so a lot of what you said hit home for me.

Actually, skipping over a lot of the BS, I did finally get the 'fuck you' email and decided not to reply and leave it at that. This was a couple months ago. What actually led up to that mail was several long messages from me sent to her (or left on her voicemail) with her responding with very little - but occasionally throwing in the "I don't feel you really care about me anymore" line. To me that is the biggest line of crap, fine you say it ONCE and your point is made, you start tossing it out in every other e-mail and all you are trying to do is lay a guilt trip on the other person and play some kind of screwed up mind game.

So it had been a couple months since the 'fuck you' mail and I turned on XXX (my oldest IM program that I haven't used forever - maybe the name was getting the post axed) at the request of a long ago friend that looked me up (see my 3rd post on April 11th for reference if you like). In the course of chatting I notice the person that told me to take a hike was still on XXX as well. I didn't message her, figguring she had deleted me long ago from her list.

After a day or two she suddenly messaged me actually saying 'long time no fight' or some such thing. Again keeping things short I pretty much told her I didn't have anything to say, she in turn again tried to lay on a guilt trip and I just said I wasn't going there and blocked her shortly after. I can tell you that I was honestly in love with this woman and I still do care deeply about her and want her to have a happy life. But I also know that she does not share the same feelings for me, or is incapable of doing so, so after 8, yes 8 years as far as I am concerned I do not need to communicate with her anymore.

It sucks when a relationship reaches that point but you do need to cut your losses sooner or later.

From what I have read of your blogs, especially this post, you are in a somewhat similar spot. Don't let him toy with your heart anymore, if you can touch bases from time to time without getting sucked back in then you are doing well. I tried it but the "you don't care anymore" bullshit just became too much to handle.

Good luck and hang in there.

LickMe5X 53F
41 posts
4/18/2005 3:49 am

Better not to spennd TOO much time emailing...go for what your gut tells you

sportyfun56 107M

4/19/2005 9:33 am

Mackey dear,
What you are describing is a hard place to be in. I've never been there myself so I don't have any past experience to share with you on this. I just have people experience to fall back on.
I think the best thing to do is to make it plain to him that you will not have any further contact with him and make a clean break for good with him. He has proven to be more high maintenace than he is worth and won't meet you halfway. You CAN do better. If you have already broken with him. Then closing your account and changing your phone no. may be a smart thing to do. It will certainly send a message to him.

wishing you the best

LickMe5X 53F
41 posts
4/24/2005 5:59 am

Yes.... there seems to be some kind of "AdultFriendFinder" flu that goes around.. also an "AdultFriendFinder" curse. Many peoplewho afree to meet come down with th e "flu", crash their automobilesor have a death in the family...

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