MsLoveRose 34F  
2019 posts
2/7/2006 4:36 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm


i found this article a few weeks ago in an online magazine and i wanted to share my thoughts about it. I have a friend who in some eyes of society.."did the right thing" and settled for a woman just because he didnt have one. i shared this with him. He asked me of i know when to settle down or will i hold out forever...(gotta read inside for more....

DON’T settle by Nathan Hulette

A big problem that many people have is settling for what they don't want. When it comes to relationships, this can be a very harmful act. By settling for someone you don't want, you will create future frustration, and more than likely, resentment of your future partner. Taking the time to find someone you will really love, however, can also be a tedious task. But, if you have ever felt or known real love you know it is worth the wait. So... how do you avoid playing the "settling" game?

First, realize how it starts. One thing that leads people to settle for someone is dating people they are not interested in just because they feel it's better than being alone. If you are not interested in someone then why date them? Even if they are interested in you, it doesn't mean you should date them. Accept the situation as flattering, and let them know you are not interested.

Second, don't do things to bring the attention of someone you're not seriously interested in. Flirting is a major contributor to this and is commonly abused by both genders. It can cause major problems if you aren't interested in the people you are flirting with, and you might find yourself in a situation where you feel obligated to date them if they ask you out. Basically, don't flirt unless you are really interested in the person you're flirting with, otherwise you will have to choose between dating someone you don't like or hurting their feelings.

Lastly, realize you will find that special someone. If you settle you ruin any chances of finding real love. You will also create a situation of low self-worth. There is somebody for everybody so don't put yourself down and settle for less than what you want.
So, the next time you're thinking about being with someone, make sure they are who you want. Or, you might find yourself in a very unhappy and uncomfortable position.

live more, laugh often, love much

Kaliedascope61 43M
4084 posts
2/7/2006 5:32 pm

I hope that article gets around, do you mind if I link to it on my blog?

49AK 56M
1823 posts
2/7/2006 5:48 pm

I don't really agree with the article, because it makes it sound like dating (which is an outcome of flirting) is something you shouldn't do if you're not interested in someone. However, how is it you find out if you're interested unless you spend some time with them?

Seems to me that flirting and dating don't have to ultimately result in a life partner.

I think the issue is being lonely and not wanting that... Wanting to be with someone... anyone... I have felt that before, and I know it is a powerful force, but it leads one to make mistakes... to settle, so to speak.

Unfortunately, I don't know that I feel qualified to identify a life partner anymore, but that doesn't mean that I don't get in the game. Harrison Ford was on David Letterman last night, and Ford said that he enjoys tennis, but he never plays a match. For him, batting the ball around is enough sometimes.

rm_emerald6912 50M
545 posts
2/7/2006 6:21 pm

Id say that if you have loved once and are single again, then yes go out meet people and be selective. If you know what you like and from that perhaps what you need, id say it is there to be found.

The if, is the hard one.

rm_art_persists 53M
1789 posts
2/7/2006 6:33 pm

I have a problem with the idea of "settling" in that it means you are somehow better than the other. I believe that we should choose our significant others and accept their imperfections.

pet_humility 50F

2/7/2006 7:52 pm

That article rings true.
I have to say though that fate is what it is.

rm_4yousexyeyes 107F
307 posts
2/7/2006 8:10 pm

I love this! I often wonder if I will ever find him. I have contemplated settling but come to my sense. Mainly becaause I know how difficult I could be to live with but I also know how loving I am to the right person.

rm_FreeLove999 47F
16127 posts
2/7/2006 9:42 pm

you make me cry...

[blog freelove999]

pASSionwantd2 51M
1316 posts
2/7/2006 10:01 pm

*Yeah's* *Clap's* *Whistles* *Cheer's* on this post.Great one "S"!

I will never settle for settlin' when it Cummmmmm's too Settling!So that settle's that!

ArgosPlumyKooky 46F
3902 posts
2/7/2006 11:37 pm

i like what art persists says. i never thought of it that way. btw, freelove999 sent me. . . .

MsLoveRose 34F  
2432 posts
2/7/2006 11:39 pm

thanks katey

please do Kaliedascope61!!! the more the merrier!!!!

49 life is about taking what you can from it!!! thanks for commenting!!!

emarald...the if is hard!!!

art i think you are right!!!

sexy.....i do too and i didnt know it was a big problem until recently!!!

pet welcome to pleasant sensation!! and FATE IS WHAT IT IS!!! thanks for saying that!!!!

4you...thats good that you have that ability...some dont!!!
i have never had the thought to just settle...or take something just because NOTHING else is there!!! thank you for the visit!!

free....sunrise loves ya...i just commented on yours and copied my response for here!! thanks

passion YOU are right!!! thats settles that!!

live more, laugh often, love much

MsLoveRose 34F  
2432 posts
2/7/2006 11:41 pm


i am on the way to clarify...and point out the good part of the article....

what i found is that...with all the harmless flirting that i do can be taken a bit tooo seriously...

there is a gentleman that had taken such flirting to heart. the kiss or a big hug message...or the aweeeee and the messages he took that as a sign that i wanted him... the truth of the matter....i appreciated what he said...or i found a piece of art he had worth while, intentions were not to wooo him...he lived like at least 1000 miles away....needless to say, he wanted to get personal...and to become serious....BUT I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HIS REAL NAME!!!!

I DIDNT KNOW ANYTHING about him outside the messages he leaves here...and in the user groups...he dont even have afriggin blog!!! so it became clear to me that i neeed clarity.... it sucks to be misunderstood...but when i say to you awweee big hugs or kisses...that means...i appreciate you...thank you for showing you care...or WOW you have touched something deeep....

another reason i posted that bestfriend ...thought he got someone pregnant..and decided to try to be with her, turns out 4 years later the kid isnt his, he walked away from a lot because he was pressured to be with her...he was trapped by her flirting...she would always make a pass...and compliment him she was clearly interested. he really wasnt...but "hooked up" with her...(maybe for pity maybe just because) and they never really had a connection...til one day she said..youre gonna be a dad..he knew the hook up was there so he decided to be responsible..besides she wasnt that bad of a she seemed....until the boy was sick and it was clear that he couldnt give blood...didnt match...he then left her...soooooooo thats flirting THE BAD WAY!!!!!

when i flirt with intent...i make it obvious....but only after it has been made clear that the feelings could be mutual!!! when i know they are one sided...i just say big kisses anyway.....let my fantasy run wild!! why would I LET ANYONE take that from me....when someone flirts with intent and i am not interested...i simply point out the obvious...the chemistry isnt there or he is being might shallow with the flirting.

YOU WOULD THINK....that you wouldnt have to provide such clarity but thanks though

the intent of the article was to stress the settling part...when does someone know they are settling...there are signs...

>>you are doing something...just because....

>>you really arent interested...they are just you work with that

>>you have given up on reaching the heights you want and figure its a good thing to do

>> you rather have something...rather than nothing....

NOW with me...i rather have nothing than something i cant agree with...someone that i have to change my morals, my values...when i have to lose character strong points and go for whats right here right now. am i waiting for the knight in shining armor...NOPE...i could argue and say i wasnt waiting at all. IM JUST HERE!!!! and if i sooo happen to get a good love...then it will be good...if it last all but a quick minute...good if its more lasting...good...if i dont find it ...good!! i have seen it, tasted love, enjoyed it. NO regrets!!!

someone commented about not settling just accepting..TWO totally different concepts. i can accept things i cannot change...MEN(read the article havent been able to post yet free...)i am able to see a person for face value and appreciate all that they are!!!! thats not settling. if i see someone, i want them, no mask, no mirrors, no cover ups, i want purity, i want them!! that can be hard, and even harder on the person if they have never really had such acceptance. i have grown to know that for some to be themselves it means to show everything flaws and all. For someone that isn’t strong or has judgmental issues then it can prove to be even harder. That is the bad cycle I think they fall in. so they build these mask, these walls and the truth gets distorted and the whole thing is bad….*SIGH*

Ok I think I vented enough!!

live more, laugh often, love much

barbiebunny 37F
5597 posts
2/7/2006 11:56 pm

Never settle and learn to love your own company.....and surround yourself with great friends in the meantime

Great post sunshine!

Its good to be...ME

Cowboy_Deluxe 39M

2/8/2006 5:06 am

I have had this discussion with lots of lady friends, and a cousin who's marraige went bad. He was in his early forties, she was in her early twenties, he married her, lasted 5 years, then he came to me for advice before the divorce. I wander sometimes, I ain't never been married, my longest relationship lasted just past a year. I told him he "settled" I explained to him that when a pretty woman came to him, and he was the age he was at you just went for it. So yeah settling doesn't work. Now he is more conservative than me, but I know I left a impact as I told him about online searching. I'm probably slower than he is because I've done this online thing for a couple of years and haven't gotten anywhere.

Anyways flirting should be what it is, it really shouldn't have strings attatched, I think it shows interest and shows their interest or dislike..
Aww to flirt or not to flirt! That is the question!


pet_humility 50F

2/8/2006 5:16 am

This all reminds of someone I respect. I have always flirted with guys, hell haven't we all. And they all respond to it. Married, single, with someone, it don't matter to them, they just know a chick is flirting and go with it. Never once until now, have I ever run across a man that laid it out on the table that he likes the flirting but it wont go any further then that, cause he is deeply in love with someone.
I have to say I then felt bad for flirting. Of course I didn't know at the time that he was spoken for. But it just touched my heart that here is a man that spoke out that this will never go any further then simple friend flirting. I have such respect for him now as a friend and as a man.
I wish more people were honest like that. It would save alot of heart ache, wishful thinking, and time.

dasher121 37M

2/8/2006 8:20 am

couldnt be truer! i agree, many many people make the HUGE mistake of settling for whats just convienient. And thats not cool, to yourself or to the other person.

After a long term relationship ended for me, I found myself latching to others. And a week or two into it Id wake up and say "What the hell am I doing with this person?!!" So I decided to take some time to myself. Took a year off of dating, and focused on me and what i need. Then just casually dated for a time.

Never led anyone on, and was upfront about what I wanted or didnt want. Didnt even sleep with anyone if I knew they wanted more than I did (thats a huge problem waiting to happen if you fall into that!). I agree with the article, there is someone for everyone. You just have to be patient, and wait.

rm_corezon 54F
3376 posts
2/8/2006 9:34 am

Yep I'm here from Freelove's recommendation and agree wholeheartedly with the post. And I've been where Dasher has been...and like you mentioned yourself, people can mistake light hearted flirting for real interest which can get you into a pickle so I'm more reserved than I used to be because I don't want anymore rebound relationships or to be guilted into a relationship that I really am not interested in...

Someone said how will you know if you want to be involved unless you spend time with that person?...well, most people you flirt with aren't complete strangers, you interact with them from time to time...

and it is certainly possible to know whether or not there's interpersonal mental chemistry for YOU before you actually start dating or sleeping with them...and you will know whether or not you find them physically attractive...

there are a lot of people out there; you can't possibly date them all and THEIR interest shouldn't dictate YOUR decision to date them or not...just because THEY are interested doesn't mean I should take them for a spin to see if THEIR interest can override MY lack of it... and I have always regretted it when I didn't go with my first gut instinct...

redswallow777 49M
6811 posts
2/8/2006 11:54 am

A lot of wisdom here already....not sure I have anything more to add except to simply say....don't settle! But then I know you know that already.

MsLoveRose 34F  
2432 posts
2/8/2006 8:15 pm

thanks snatch...i didnt want to overlook your comment!!!

always good to see you here bunny!!

cowboy...i SAY FLIRT!!!!

pet that is the truth!!! i would think it takes less effort to be yourself...and to be honest...who needs drama!!!

dasher you are right!!!!

corezon...thank you so much for the visit and the heartfelt reply!! free is awesome right??? you have made a solid case thanks for the visit!!!

red you know you are welcome here anytime!!!

live more, laugh often, love much

caressmewell 54F

2/8/2006 8:57 pm

Great post!

cobra70118 106M

2/8/2006 10:49 pm

Very nice article LadySunrise.. I agree as a professional dater or somthin. At least what I feel like sometimes. Cause I neversettled or it was a matter of timing.

Though, I believe every relationship we have are successful, in some way, even the ones we think failed.

So your 22 eh... That's what I'm finding these days. Totally awesome, wise, head and heart together, ladies and people in their twenties.

hooks1952 65M

2/9/2006 6:56 am

Been there done that and burnt. Thanks doll.


ilsgicemru 73M
2822 posts
2/9/2006 8:03 am

Great post Sunrise ....... I want to come back and read all of the comments .. especially the long one you left !!!


MsLoveRose 34F  
2432 posts
2/9/2006 8:28 am

caress thanks for the visit!!

fly...ohhh there are plenty things i wish i coulda did earlier... *sigh* you say...better late than never!! thanks for visiting!!

cobra... welcome to pleasant sensations!!! thanks for the visit and the comment they are both appreciated!!! IM 22 all of it!! and thanks for the compliment!!

hooks i understand!

G thank you!!!! sometimes i can be toooo long winded!! LOL

live more, laugh often, love much

tillerbabe 57F

2/9/2006 7:15 pm

The "societal gottogetmarried" thing has never phased me. If it happens, then it does, if it doesn't then it doesn't. I like me and I don't need society's rules to determine my happiness. I've never settled for anything! Not a job...not friends and never a man! Guess what? I'm very VERY happy.

RoyalPurpleRose 53F

2/10/2006 6:51 am

For the sake of argument, I looked up FLIRT:a: to behave amorously without serious intent b: to show superficial or casual interest or liking

I 'flirt' all the time ... not just on AdultFriendFinder. I think flirting is in the blood or something. But I am not taking myself seriously or anyone else. I tend to be rather blunt too, and have to make myself really consider what will come out of my mouth ... or typed out in words. If I like you, something you wrote, something that comes from your heart ... I want to tell you, because you deserved the compliment. Taking life too seriously can lead to major disappointment.

I live by the saying 'Do unto others, ONLY as you would have them do unto you'. So I THINK about how I am treating others. I have a problem with being rude. I believe that a SMILE is the best gift you can give ... and you can give it to ANYONE ... even a stranger on the street.

Making choices is a gamble. Like the line from Forest Gump 'Life is like a box of chocolates .. you never know what you're gonna get'. That is true. No one can see into the future. We can only make what we hope is an educated guess (at best). And if it doesn't work out ... we dust ourselves off ... leave it all behind ... and start out again.

~Kisses, RPR

rm_Kissmystuff 62F
1435 posts
2/10/2006 8:56 am

Most people have not really thought seriously about what they want in a mate. You attract to yourself what you constantly focus on. If your thoughts are confused...unsure...that's what you will attract. I say look at your needs and your assets...what can you offer to a mate.

There is also the fact that if you approach the issue with the attitude you HAVE to find someone because that's what's're pleasing others rather than yourself. You're the one that has to live with that person.

I agree with those who say you get to know people by dating them...or at least being in their company...whether in a group setting or one on one. Doesn't have to be hot and heavy.

I also say it doesn't hurt to flirt. This is not a commitment...and doesn't have to go any further than that.


MsLoveRose 34F  
2432 posts
2/13/2006 5:05 pm

im happy tooo tiller thanks!!

thanks goldmember

RPR you got a point there!! thanks for the visit!

kiss...thats the truth!!!!

live more, laugh often, love much

Become a member to create a blog