How do you choose?  

JuicyBBW1001 56F
2166 posts
8/13/2006 6:06 am

Last Read:
10/1/2006 1:14 pm

How do you choose?

As most of you know I am re reading a book I read sometime ago called The Power of Unconditional Love by Ken Keyes

There is a whole chapter devoted to the fact that simply falling in love with another is NOT a basis for commitment.
I happen to agree with this statement. Mainly because so many people seem to fall out of love almost as quickly as they fall in love.
One statement in particular stood out to me and it goes something like this : The problem is that most of us operate from a great deficieny of love. We often didn't experience enough love in our childhood, and our hearts hunger for this satisfying feeling. We are on the lookout for people who seem to accept and love us. And when we find a person who appears to feel some love for us, it is a tremedous event. We believe that love is so scarce we have to do something about it. Cage it. Tie it up. Don't let it get away! Marry it!.
I guess I operate from a great deficiency of love to a point. However, I would never marry someone or try to tie them down unless they wanted to marry me warts and all. I would not even make a big deal out of it. You see I am still learning to love all of me and until I can love all of me I am not choosing anyone. But this book does make some good points about how to choose someone.

{i] If we don't use love as a basis for commitment, what do we use? There are over 5 billion people on earth. It is important to carefully select a partner with whom you can create the higher levels of communication, caring and commitment.
This book lists three criteria

1. Do you like just being with her or him? You may be so busy entertaining yourselves doing things together that neither of you knows if you just like being with each other. Try going on a camping trip for a week with no one else around. Do you really enjoy being near each other? Continuously? Do you like them as human being-or as a human doing?

2. Are you willing to live with the other person's programming (addictive, "injured child" and otherwise), and is that person willing to live with yours? Emotional honesty during dating lets a prospective partner really get to experience your programming as much as possible, and vice versa. The game is not just to get into a committed relationship-it's to live happily ever after.
Can your prospective partner emotionally accept your moods and attitudes? Does this person explode or sulk or cower when you are irritated or upset? Are you addicted if they respond this way? Can you handle it if both of you start bouncing off each other's demands? Can you usually feel compassion instead of threat if they blow up?

3. Do you like to do many things together? Or do your egos clash or compete as you try to cooperate? Are your interests, goals, values, tastes and philosophies sufficiently similar so that you enjoy creating the adventure of life together?

I realize this is a sex site and alot of people men and women alike have that ability to separate sex and love and just fuck one another like rabbits. But I am not a rabbit and while I have alot of growing to do still in my life I do know this much I would rather be alone then to be with someone whom I could not be me with and I mean all of me warts and all.

So my questions for the day are:

1. How do you or have you chosen the one or ones you love?

2. Do you think there is a such thing as unconditional love for another human being besides yourself?

3. Do you have the ability to separate sex from love? Can you have sex for the sake of having sex or does there have to be some kind of connection between you and your lover besides sex?


Imchickrock 52F

8/13/2006 7:09 am

Personally, I guess that's all you answer from!!! I don't feel I have chosen the ones I Love or have Loved, it has been something that has evolved. I am not saying I have never had a one nighter, but those were long ago and that is not the same person I am today. I do believe in unconditional love, at times it is wonderful, when you get really hurts. I cannot seperate sex from love, sex is an expression of my caring and trust for another and that does not come easily from me.

JuicyBBW1001 replies on 8/13/2006 7:18 am:
I would agree with your last statement about sex being an expression of your caring and trust. Welcome to my blog and the chaos in my mind. Come back anytime.

AstirRelicLatah 66M
1993 posts
8/13/2006 7:18 am

I have this concept I call the independent/dependent relationship. I choose my wife and she choose me based on this concept. Basically it means that we have a life together and we have a life that is separate. We do things together and we things separately. We don't have to be joined at the hip and are allowed to have different likes and dislikes. Our commonality is our belief system about the world. That we're very much in consort.

I don't think there is such a thing as unconditional love. That connotes a lack of personal responsibility from the person you love...I can't think of any situation where there isn't something that people I love could do that would force me to stop loving them...difficult for some people, but certainly possible.

I do have the ability to have sex free from love...but not free from an intense feeling towards the other person I'm having sex with. On the other hand, I have no interest whatsoever of having sex with someone I don't have a strong mental connection with...I believe the largest sex organ is the brain and it needs to be attached and working for sex to have any interest or value for me...Otherwise masturbation is way more satisfying...At least I can make up my own stories.

Nice post. Thanks.

JuicyBBW1001 replies on 8/13/2006 7:22 am:
Your welcome and thanks for your take on things I am always curious as you know about how people see things.

angelofmercy5 60F
17881 posts
8/13/2006 7:27 am

Great post. I do believe in uncondtional love. I have that......from my dog! lol But I don't think I can separate sex from love. I have really only ever had sex with someone I loved. I do enjoy being with my mate....but I also value highly my alone time. We are not joined at the hip....and do have separate interests. But I can enjoy hearing about those interests as well as he does mine.

JuicyBBW1001 replies on 8/13/2006 7:30 am:
My friend from Jupiter and I are sort of like that. It has to be that way because of the distance thing. But when we have the chance to see one another it is always good.

sexyariesgirl 58F

8/13/2006 9:54 am

I do believe in unconditional love. To me unconditional love is being loved completely...all faults included. That doesn't mean that person necessarily loves everything about me...but they don't push me away because of the faults...they are accepted as a part of me. I've found that...and consider myself so very fortunate.

I agree with looking19632008 that sex without feelings leaves you empty inside....been there done that. I much prefer what I have now.

As for how I have chosen the one(s) I love....that's a tough one! Usually it's a feeling of being drawn to that person. I don't always know why. A combination of many things I'm sure. For me, the actual love evolves over a period of time....of getting to know that person....not love at first sight....but a realization over time that this is the person for me.

Power To FOK

JuicyBBW1001 replies on 8/13/2006 10:05 am:
I believe unconditional love is possible but until I love me unconditionally I guess I will have conditions attached to mine.

BillTheBillder 54M
1898 posts
9/30/2006 8:51 pm

1. Not as well as I could have. Looked at partners through rose tinted glasses at times. Needed to be loved.

2. No. I don't unconditionally love myself. I would hope that I could love someone with all my heart and mind, but on past experience that's an optimistic view at best.

3. Yes. Sex is just fucking. I try not to do this. I prefer an emotional attachment, a feeling for my partner. It's wrong to say I need to be in love though. And sometimes I have confused lust with love.

You know when you've been Billdoed
If you all stopped having a go at me I wouldn't be so fucking paranoid

JuicyBBW1001 replies on 10/1/2006 4:50 am:
I too have put the rose colored glasses on a time or two and in so doing it blinded me from seeing all the red flags.
You have to accept you and work on loving you every day in order to find ultimate fulfillment. Being with someone else is a good thing but to feel fulfilled you have to love you too and take care of you too.
I think everyone has confused lust for love a time or two or three in their lives. Hurts like hell to find out it was lust after all though.

BillTheBillder 54M
1898 posts
10/1/2006 1:08 pm

A track for you to listen to. Warning signs by Coldplay.

I keep trying.


You know when you've been Billdoed
If you all stopped having a go at me I wouldn't be so fucking paranoid

JuicyBBW1001 replies on 10/1/2006 1:16 pm:
I will look it up on my Music Service. And all you can do it keep trying.

Become a member to create a blog