WHAT TO DO.....  

rm_JOJORU 47F
97 posts
8/3/2006 11:45 pm

Last Read:
2/26/2007 9:31 am

WHAT TO DO.....


CAST YOUR STONES.......

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I met my husband 11 years ago and have been married for 10. I love my husband very much! Many may say I am a hypocrite. But I have learned love and sex are two different things.

At first I did not think it was anyone's business why I am here. But it didn't take long for me to learn that many think married people on this site are the lowest form of life. So I figure why not share my story. I mean I have thought the worst of myself so hearing it from someone else may not hurt so much. Then I had the idea that maybe some could actually give me advice. Any advice would be much appreciatted.

My husband is 12 years older than me. He is intelligent and well travelled. He was married once before and has two daughters that live abroad. I know he loves me. Then it happened. After only one year of marriage he stopped wanting to have sex. My dream of having a family and my own children one day does not seem to happening. He promises that he will get in the mood, but it never happens.

The last nine years of my marriage we have had sex three times. The past five years we have not had sex at all. He kept telling me that nothing was wrong with him. So that could only mean it was my fault. I figured if I kept my makeup on and dressed nice that would help. Another woman...Not possible, We know were eachother is every minute. Sexy underware and bras...He just cut them up and said I was cheating. My weight...I was heavier when I married, so I figured he was not into big girls any more. I tried pornos...he said I was vulgar. I would attack him and try to give him fellatio...he said ladies don't do that. I obtained and gave him 2 viagras to try...He gave them to the homeless man that cuts our grass. Marriage counseling...he refuses. I offered a threesome...Once again I have a dirty mind. I offered a professional, maybe like a prostitute...he laughs at me. I have asked my brother in laws to take him to strip clubs...he don't have time for that stuff.

At first I was ashamed and could not tell any of my family or friends. Then I went into a stage of depression. I would talk to him and ask him what to do. I have offered him an amical divorce, but he does not want one. It still hurts, but now I just laugh.

Over two years ago I moved into one of the spare bedrooms on the second floor. He was not happy about that. But it hurts to much laying next to someone knowing I am not allowed to touch him. In my sleep I would find myself grabbing him. I felt like a molestor. The rejection each night was too much to handel. Every once in a while I will sleep with him to hold him and reaffirm him that I love him and care about him.

How did I come to this site? In January I took him to the doctor for a checkup and I slipped a note to the doctor telling him about my husband not being able to perform for the past 5 years. My husband was given samples of a new male enhancement drug. After a week he had not taken one, when I asked if he was going to take one he accused me only only thinking about sex. So I found myself looking for a solution for myself.

In our discussions I would ask what he expected me to do... One night he told me "Do what you have to do, I just don't want to know about it." It was a blow. Does he really not care.

I do not write this to justify myself. Maybe I am just looking for the answer to fix my problem. Can a marriage survive on friendship alone?

I have met a few men and quite honestly I hate the lies and the games. I am 35 now. I am too old to play games anymore. I have learned the diffdrence between sex and love. I believe sex is nothing more than a human need....

rm_2ezgoin 57M
1 post
8/6/2006 12:42 am

AA's right, to a certain extent. Some use the need selfishly, others try to use it against you. I guess both are a type of control freak.
I can come pretty close to where you're at, believe it or not. Without intimacy a marriage withers away to a room mate of convenience situation. Albeit, a tense & lonely convenience. After over 18 yrs of monogamy, the last 15+ virtually celibate, that's why I'm here. The ONLY reason we're still together is the kids, who will be flying the coop in the next few years. Then,......who knows.
I had a gold membership for awhile, but as you know, not everyone is receptive to someone in our situations. It gets easier to just do without after awhile. I got disgusted with what I saw as hypocrisy, game playing & lies, so I dropped it.
Then there comes a point where you say to yourself,'Self, screw everybody else! For once it's time to do something for ME! I'll be damned if I need anyone else's permission or approval!' No one else can make that kind of decision for you. Denying yourself basic needs, in what ever way, eventually turns into a form of martyrdom. Not all of us are cut out for that. now I'm not saying that if it feels good, do it. That's not mature or responsible. But there comes a time when you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Good luck. S


rm_JOJORU 47F
40 posts
8/6/2006 11:32 pm

Thank you amberabercrombie and 2ezgoin. I enjoyed your opinions.


rm_CM_Jeff_2781 46M

8/13/2006 8:51 pm



Dear Jojoru marriage cannot surrvive on friendship alone sex is a part of marriage if you have any other questions please feel free to email me at yahoo.com with my same name as on here. and I will answer you back
talk to you soon. Jeff


rm_benjam1950 68M
1 post
8/14/2006 9:19 am

it is a very tough call, you have to do what is right for your mental stability! Your husband did say do what you have to! I understand more than you know!
regards,
Ben


rm_JOJORU 47F
40 posts
8/14/2006 11:14 pm

Thank you CM Jeff 2781 for your input. I do appreaciate it very much.


rm_JOJORU 47F
40 posts
8/14/2006 11:19 pm

benjam 1950--Thank you for your input. I think too many understand any more. I guess I was looking for an answer, but I don't think there is ever going to be a right answer.


HOTBOD4U2PARTY 58M
2 posts
8/19/2006 6:35 am

HI JOJO, I HAVE TALKED TO YOU BEFORE AND YOU KNOW I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. I'M NOT MARRIED BUT IF THERE IS VERY LITTLE PHYSICAL CONTACT IT MAKES IT VERY HARD TO KEEP YOUR FEELING FOR SOMEONE. IT MAKES ME FEEL THAT THEY ARE JUST THERE FOR THE RIDE AND NOT REALLY FOR YOU.I KNOW ITS HARD IN LIFE TO FIND SOMEONE THAT OFFERS EVERYTHING IN ONE NEAT PACKAGE BUT THE TOUCHING AND BODY CONTACT IS FOR MANY PEOPLE THE ONE THING THAT IS A MUST. ITS NOT LIKE MONEY OR OTHER MATERIAL THINGS BECAUSE YOU CAN BE HAPPY WITHOUT THOSE.I HAVE HEARD OF A VERY FEW COUPLES THAT FOR SOME REASON ARE HAPPY WITH THE WAY THEY LIVE WITH NO SEX AT ALL MAYBE BECAUSE OF RELIGION OR EVEN JUST A MEDICAL PROBLEM BUT THAT IS THE LIFE THEY CHOSE IN THE BEGINING. WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE US THAT NEED THE WARMTH AND TOUCHING AND NEED FOR SEX, ALLWAYS SEEMS LIKE WE END UP WITH A FIZZLED OUT RELATIONSHIP. ITS AN ANSWER WE MAY NEVER FIND EASY.
IM HEAR TO TALK TO YOU WHEN EVER YOU NEED TO SWEETY. LOVE YA, JOE


rm_JOJORU 47F
40 posts
8/20/2006 1:50 am

THANK YOU HOTBOD4U2PARTY. YES I DO APPRECIATE TALKING TO YOU. ALSO DON'T FORGET I AM HERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE. JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN, DOESN'T MEAN YOU DON'T NEED TO TALK AND EXPRESS. LOL. TAKE CARE MY FRIEND. JO WITHOUT THE E


Passion247000 47F
3195 posts
8/26/2006 11:30 pm

....i understand..............


rm_SoftLicks3 71M

8/26/2006 11:35 pm

Hi JoJo, I read your story with interest and compassion. My first marriage was exactly the same as yours is now. I too, moved out of the room hoping that she would maybe miss me. Nothing happened. Unfortunately I spent 22 years in that situation until I put away the hope and accepted the reality. If someone does not want to be intimate with you, and I don't mean just sex, but touch and caring words, etc. they don't love you anymore. It is hard to accept, but it is reality. Don't waste 22 years like I did. I wish you the best and I hope you will find happiness. tom2776 at Yahoo


rm_John_All 55M
18 posts
9/13/2006 2:13 pm

I was married for 24 yrs with the last 3 yrs beign totaly without sex.

I thought it was me, I did everything I could think of to save the marrage, nothing worked.

I since divoriced and remarried.

I still need adn want more sex than I get now even when she is a wonderfull sex partner.

I do not understand how a man could not want his woman.

Respectfully,

David Friend of John_all

Dr John_All


rm_JOJORU 47F
40 posts
9/14/2006 1:26 am

PASSION247000---I AM BEGINNING TO SEE MORE AND MORE THAT THIS IS A COMMON THING.

SOFTLICKS3---THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I AM SORRY YOU FEEL YOU WASTED ALL THOSE YEARS. SO TO SHED SOME LIGHT...I AM SURE YOU LEFT LEARNING SOMETHING ABOUT LOVE RIGHT? I HOPE IT HAS MADE YOU A MORE CARING AND STRONGER PERSON. THIS WAY YOU CAN SAY YOU DID NOT WASTE ALL THAT TIME. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY NOW AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT.

DAVID FRIEND OF JOHN_ALL---THANK YOU TOO. I HOPE YOU HAVE LEARNED MORE ABOUT LIFE TOO. BUT MAY I ASK? AFTER BEING WITH SOMEONE FOR 24 YEARS YOU MUST HAVE CREATED A FRIENDSHIP OR BOND. WHERE DID YOU GET THE STRENGTH TO SAY GOOD BYE TO HER? I KNOW IF I LEFT MY HUSBAND IT WOULD HURT HIM TERRIBLY AND HE WOULD NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. I AM NOT SURE IF I COULD ACCEPT NOT HAVING HIM THERE IN MY LIFE EVEN IF IT IS JUST FOR FRIENDSHIP.

I AM SURPRISED NO ONE THREW A STONE. IS THAT BECAUSE NO ONE HAS THE ANSWER FOR ME? IS THERE AN ANSWER?


horsearcherwanna 57M/37F
17 posts
9/14/2006 5:20 pm

I have no stones to throw and no right to throw them.


NEEDSUMFUN700 46M
45 posts
10/16/2006 6:55 am

JOJO, I don't know if this will help or not but thought I would share my story.

I just ended an 8 year marriage and there was no physical relationship for at least the last 5 years. This was my decision, she would occasionally approach me the first couple years of this but for about the last 3 I'm guessing she finally gave up. She ended up sleeping in my daughters room 99% of the time.

So with all that being said I thought I would let you know my perspective and maybe you will somehow be able to relate it to your husbands. Okay here goes...I just no longer felt attracted to her and I cannot pinpoint it on any one reason, she is what many would consider a very attractive person physically (5'3" 110lbs C-cup). I lost interest in her emotionally, I didn't care what she did, where she went, who it was with. I think most of it was because she was out 6 nights a week, drinking, and seemed to always put herself before our daughter so I think maybe it was more of a lack of respect for her. I myself take some responsibility for this as I was an enabler and didn't make a full effort to ask her to change, although I suggested a couple times to change I never followed through with ensuring that she did. Again, I just really didn't care.

I obviously don't know your husband nor do I know what he is feeling, but it sounds as if he has lost an attraction to you as well and has reached the point of not caring himself. I don't understand though why he wants to continue in the marriage if he is not willing to put more effort into making it work. Sometimes we all hit a point where we just can't take it any longer and need to take that deep breath and just get out of the situation/relationship. Personally, I think that maybe you have reached that point.

Sorry this was so long winded, hell I should have blogged all this on my own. : )

Hope all gets better and things work out for you. Good luck.


rm_JOJORU 47F
40 posts
10/16/2006 10:33 pm

THANK YOU NEEDSUMFUN. I THINK IN MY HEART I HAVE ALWAYS FELT THAT. BUT LETTING GO AND SAYING GOOD BYE TO HIM, SEEMS TOO HARD. I STILL BELIEVE IN PRAYER, BUT I KNOW WANTING A CHANGE IS GOING TO TAKE A MIRACLE NOW. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY. AND TO YOU I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU NEED IT BECAUSE YOU HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER. SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT THE GREATEST ASSET OF THE MARRIAGE.


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