So, I am not a completely heartless wench...  

Iwakura16Eyes 38F
603 posts
5/15/2006 8:28 pm

Last Read:
5/16/2006 10:57 am

So, I am not a completely heartless wench...

So, the second meetup I have had from this site in my three years of membership occurred this evening. I did something retarded--I invited him to my home. But, I just had this feeling. You ever get those...? (am I crazy?) I had talked to him enough to know that he was harmless (any of the other idiots--hell fuck no). he means well--very well. I could have easily fucked his brains out. I admit--I teased a bit, but nothing came of it. He got to feel my girls (and even that was all in fun) but nothing truly physical happened. We mostly talked--(yeah, that's still possible). He's extremely shy and several things contribute to this. I am quite sure that if anything came up between him and I that he would get too attached to me. (I have to admit this is a curse. Every guy I have ever dated seems to still have a big attachment to me---same with some of the guys I fucked--it's like I am the one that got away. And, dammit, I did...) I might be right, I might be wrong. BUT.. I will not the be the bitch--the catalyst in a situation of hurt. I wil not simply use someone and throw them away. I like to fuck, but I have a damn heart and a conscience.

In the meantime, I did make a friend. I also realized things about myself. I am not to be trapped--I will not commit to anything. I've tried--and it always blows up in my face. I think I have issues. He wants me to cuddle--cuddling freaks the fuck out of me. I hate being vulnerable anymore--this shit leaves me vulnerable (this entry makes me vulnerable) is there something wrong with me...? holy shit... and at the same time it scares me. I am afraid to be alone, too. I am aware that I can't have both... yes... and I am also aware that I am not getting any younger. fuck.

so, here I sit--watching High Fidelity (my favorite movie) and burying myself in my research... son.of.a... anyone says anything mean, you can fucking eat me.. goddammit...

rm_LoyalCumpany 47M
3204 posts
5/16/2006 12:31 am

Hmm.. a vulnerable yet hardened post. My God, lwakura16Eyes IS a woman! Knew I liked ya for a reason. Can I come over and get attached and make you feel really uncomforable tomorrow?

I am JoJo the Circus Boy!

willingandablexo 38M
2 posts
5/16/2006 1:18 am

No you’re not a wench or a slut, those are societies' labels, and catholic labels which I'm guessing was the religion you grew up in. A whole different issue there, so lets not get of track. One thing I have found in any relationships is; someone is a giver or a taker and one is into the other more then the other is into them. Which on are you! It changes constantly and can be tricky because you can start off being the taker and the one who doesn't want much more then a loosely based friend from someone who keeps his mouth shut and leaves when you’re done. A sort of unconditional love, like a pet! This can turn around and you'll find yourself giving more and becoming the one who is into the relationship more then the other.
It's truly ironic how people are, I'm as guilty as anyone don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly an angle. Once we've broken down all the insecurities and doubts about someone and let them in to our life’s and your finally comfortable with someone, all your needs are meet and you have your own time, like a pet at home who couldn't care if you left for a weekend, then Sunday night walking through that door all that matters is your home, even if it was just to grab an over night bag and gone again. It's tough and your not alone, it's the hardest thing in the world to do; communicating your thoughts, feelings and needs without sounding like all you care about is yourself. Who else is looking out for them!
I've found that being 100% honest, even brutally honest will clear your conscious or maybe help a little. Adults no by now everyone has their own shit to deal with, so I believe taking a few hours and honestly discussing with whomever, what’s to be expected, can clear a lot up from the get go. Call it a verbal contract, lol...
People have always been a hobby of mine; we are by far the most dysfunctional species on plant earth. We are also the only species that mates for fun, go figure, lol... Well hopefully something in there might have helped? If not fuck it, it’s just my opinion right?


Iwakura16Eyes 38F

5/16/2006 10:57 am

    Quoting rm_LoyalCumpany:
    Hmm.. a vulnerable yet hardened post. My God, lwakura16Eyes IS a woman! Knew I liked ya for a reason. Can I come over and get attached and make you feel really uncomforable tomorrow?
you get nothing but an evil look for that... bloody hell...

you look pissy in that pic, but it still made me giggle.

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