stream of conciousness  

IAmSynn 46M
13 posts
6/5/2006 3:32 pm
stream of conciousness

No one sees what is in my head the moon the mountain me howling my rage fury and pain from its peak as if I was some sort of animal and I hide it so well so few people are allowed to see it because it is mine and it is me and I don’t want to share it and maybe I can’t share it in realspace and maybe it doesn’t matter only one person ever saw it and we loved but she is gone adding to the storm that is my head that is my mind that makes me scream and cry and curse the sky and tear at my flesh and wish I could just bleed bleed bleed the pain away in great clotting chunks in rivulets of poisoned blood running down my arms my chest my legs I write your name in blood I write my soul in blood I offer myself as a sacrifice to your well being and to hell with me I don’t care I don’t matter my life is little enough without you as reason to live it in the face of everything that is and that was I have become an animal feral cunning bent only on survival unable to interact even with my own kind skulking in the shadows wanting nothing more than comfort from the hands that I fear so badly because they are not her touch not THE touch that sent sparks through my soul and made me alive for the first time in my life but they no longer reach for me no longer try to smooth my matted fur no longer try to touch and calm the beast that lives in me that takes a little bit more of mind with every rising moon and I roar as I dance in the tall grass heedless of the cold or wet or burning heat I burn I am burning from the inside my heart is white heat turning me into a star the sun the moon something more than I am now because it transcends the human pain if I can only be released to freely dance on the wind arm in arm with the stars as my partners mountains and valleys and forests pass beneath my feet as they move and I move as I bleed my dance into the night helplessly convulsing in my corner in my filth in my hatred and self loathing in my own little corner of the world bound chained tearing at my flesh trying to be free to find those hands that soothe even though I know I know I know that it may never ever be again…

Except that within the beast is hope… and that hope will kill me…

Become a member to create a blog