LARK Program letter  

HardNhorneee 53M
127 posts
8/14/2005 7:59 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

LARK Program letter

I doubt that Rumsfield really sent this - but, he should have. It would be great to extend this program to each ACLU office. Might slow them down.

The LARK Program ....... A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment
of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters
seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in
Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns
of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the
Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal
detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under
heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed
Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure
that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest
serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks.
Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with
his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his
bowels (which he will do in your yard) -- but look on the bright
side.. No increase in the toilet paper bill. He generally bathes
quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he
washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water
bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that
hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice
attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"
will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are
correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert
at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household
products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in
your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons;
have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and
rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs.
He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more
than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our
job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a
good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of
federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place
of business soon, just to help you do your job better. Don't be
concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize
your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206
laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession.
They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the
proper way. That is what you wanted, right? Well, thank you for this
opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry.
You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.

Cordially...Your Buddy,

Don Rumsfeld

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