I'm actually a good lover  

GoatWomanDances 62F
4 posts
2/15/2006 7:36 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

I'm actually a good lover

It's not the topic of this post, but Ma has special, physical considerations that affect her sexuality. I've been very accomodating. I wasn't judgmental nor turned off by her physicality. In fact, I researched it: both on the 'net, and by joining a local group with people similar to her in it.

Nobody's quite like Ma, physically.

But I was a caring lover to her. I encouraged feedback; I wanted to know if what I was doing was pleasurable or uncomfortable.

The lovemaking Ma needs requires strenuous activity on my part. I'm not very strong, but I did it. I even excersized, to build up my upper body strength and my legs.

She often said I was the best lover she'd ever had. I don't know if she was saying that to flatter me, or if she meant it.

I am Ma's first female lover. The men she was with before sound like they were all about their own pleasure. Of the (only) three men she'd ever been with, one NEVER accomodated her physicality, one never had conventional intercourse with her and the other left her as soon as he found out she could never have children.

Basically, I think Ma's self esteem was so low, she'd accept anybody who might show any interest in her. This MUST include me.

Very quickly, though, she let the demands of her job and school override our intimacy. It was a series of unfortunate circumstances, really, that built into a habit of celibacy.

First, she underwent some radical, reconstructive surgery a year ago. Basically, a doctor tore off her face, ground her bones, snipped muscles, etc. It took nearly six months for her to heal enough to be physically active.

This was followed by increased demands at work and a long resperatory illness, probably brought on by the stress.

So, I stopped initiating. I stopped even suggesting.

She cut short our Valentine's Day date last night. First of all, "Rent" isn't playing on campus 'til next week. So, after supper, we walked back to campus and she checked her email. She had complained about work all through dinner, or complained how the time we were taking for dinner was keeping her from working. I was pretty demoralized, but it was no surprise.

Then, she announced that she'd be going back to her office for a few hours. So, I took the bus home, alone.

Actually, I've had a change of mind. I WILL explain why Ma is so different: She's a M to F transexual. She was born with "abnormal" genitalia; either her "penis" was very small, or her "clitoris" was very large. She castrated HERSELF at the age of 14 years. She had SRS thirty years ago, when it was pretty primative. And they had NO idea how to deal with her special circumstances. They pretty much mutilated her. Sensation is a real problem. She doesn't orgasm in a conventional way.

I wasn't out to find some "freak" to add to my collection. I was genuinely attracted to her. In fact, until she dropped a barrage of hints, I'd had NO IDEA she was transexual! She looks and sounds like pretty much any other woman.

But she's worked her ass off, endured horrible pain, to be a woman.

So, it's not so easy, just to cast all that aside and go looking for a replacement.

I think she's very brave. I know she's very strong. But she has always avoided people, in order to survive. And I think she regrets having exposed herself, become intimate, with me. It's not about me; she'd withdraw and hide from ANYONE, if he or she tried to penetrate that wall.

If I let her go, I'll be letting go one of the most worthy friends I've ever had. Yeah, she's treating me pretty shabbily right now, and has been for months. And I'm angry and hurt. And I'm alone; I can't TALK about this with ANYONE!

I've put aside my own needs, trying to accomodate her special circumstances.

But it's getting to the point where I'm starting to feel ugly, unworthy and unloveable. And, let's face it, I ain't gettin' any younger, in a youth-obsessed culture.

So, when I say I'm exploring my options, I really MEAN it. This is a big risk, for many reasons, not the least of which is the potential to be by some psychopath.

But I'm clear on one thing: whatever happens between Ma and myself, I need to nurture myself. And human touch has a lot to do with that.

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