Reality and the Titmouse  

GetOffMyLawn 48M
31 posts
6/20/2006 6:43 am
Reality and the Titmouse

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that reality shows are stupid. I know you are thinking that quite a few people have said this before me, but I am out on a different limb, trust me. I think they are stupid for a completely different reason. That reason is ugliness. Reality shows feature an unusually high attractive to ugly ratio, which makes the "reality" a relative thing. My reality is populated by a large number of incredibly ugly people. You may have heard of the ugly stick, but I have the whole damn tree growing in my back yard and that thing is dropping ugly people like rotten apples in autumn. I'm not going to go so far as to say that everyone in my neighborhood is ugly while I am attractive in every way possible, but I will say that there are no major modeling agencies conducting interviews in Williamsport. And to be fair, the four women I live with are beautiful, but I keep them around as an artistic contrast to the ugly just outside my door.

So reality television does not feature enough ugly to be truly "real". These shows also lack reality in their basic premise. A bunch of people are trapped in a jungle where they try to survive while being egged on by some fancy pants host with perfect hair. How often does that really happen? The problem is this: reality is boring. Or rather your reality is boring to everyone else. Nobody wants to turn on the television and watch people debate what to have for breakfast or struggle to wipe their butt with the insanely cheap toilet paper their wife bought because it was on sale. You aren't likely to get high ratings with a show called "Some Guy Drives to Work" or "Bob Loves Knitting". Sadly, reality bores us all to such a degree that we are willing to look the other way when these networks assault us with what is clearly not reality and we nod happily when they call it reality. Just think about that for a minute. The evil television executives have gotten our brains to turn into just the right kind of mush required for them to be able to dictate reality to us. Some middle-aged idiot with a pony tail and a shiny suit is actually telling you what reality is and rather than stop and scream, "This is not my reality!" you just sit on your sofa with your mouth open and your eyes locked onto the glowing box in front of you. You make me sick, you stupid lemmings.

Lemmings don't actually watch a lot of television. They are rodents or something and they have a hard time holding down a job long enough to earn enough money to get a television and even if they did they have no use for them once the mass exodus to the sea begins. We could learn a lot about reality shows from lemmings. That might be the limit to the areas in which we could learn a lot from lemmings.

Another animal that could teach us a lot but rarely does is the Tufted Titmouse. The first thing I want to find out from the Titmouse is who the hell named it "titmouse". I mean, the critter is a bird not a rodent. There is no "tit" or "mouse" anywhere on this thing. I am convinced that those nature studying guys are the most perverted group of scientists on the face of the earth. Having said that, I still would not recommend a reality show based on guys who name birds, no matter how many different breast references they make. The only thing more idiotic would be to have that nut Monica Lewinsky rear her ugly head as the host of some new show or something. I think it is best to let a sleeping dog lie. Or sleep. Or if it is dead you should never ever touch it, not even with a long pole.

Speaking of Monica, stupid and ugly is a most unfortunate combination for any person. Beauty covers a whole multitude of moronic actions but the ugly are basically naked in the sense that they cannot hide their stupid under their good looks. Because they are not good looking. Which is why we call them ugly. They are not literally naked. They should never be literally naked. Please help the ugly to stay un-naked. I think we should start a fund to clothe the ugly and I know just where to start. The beaches of Europe. The Europeans are far too comfortable with their bodies for far too much of their lives. Their beaches are covered with old men in marble bags and hairy women in bikinis or worse, half of a bikini. For every gorgeous woman in a thong and every attractive guy - if you are into guys, which I am not but I am trying to make a point here - there are at least 500 ugly people. If you have ever wondered why I do not frequent the beaches of Europe in spite of the many invitations from cities all over the various coasts, now you know.

So, what have we learned today? Probably nothing.

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